Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Poopin' and Shootin'

Ten songs heard at the party or in my mind.

1. The Wanton Song- Led Zeppelin
So Bobby Lightfoot was gonna be the Three Bulls! house band for the party night. He was really stopping by to borrow Uncanny's Apple Venus vol. 2 or some such Andy Partridge thingy, but the masses clamored for some music, so traveling in a van full of rockdog accoutrements, Bobby L. decided to drop something from the Zep's secretly funky phase on the assembled cobags. Halfway through laying slabs of unrefined sludge that Page crapped out sleepwalking on junk he was just starting to feel the chunky greatness, really sellin' it to the kids, when AG just started crying out for her fave Zep cover cover, Whitesnake's "Still of the Night". Having just dispatched the pony with Chuckles, she's in no mood to be turned down. Bobby L backs down for the one and only time in his life, realizing this was worse than the Gallaghers and Diller combined. Song ends halfway through. AG pulls a camo iPod nano from God knows where, hooks up to the PA and drops...

2. Still of the Night-Whitesnake
David Coverdale reimagines "Whole Lotta Love" as..."Whole Lotta Love" with a sexually unsatisfiable harpy, forcing Dave to roll out his Whitesnake time and time again, never to be satisfied, and in what seems like the 7th minute of the song he moodily moans about not be able to get away from having unending sex with a beautiful woman. Well, conjuring the other side of Tawny Kitaen, and having spoken with Chuck Finley, we're gonna cut you a little slack. AG then passes out in the onion dip. Poor AG.

3. Head Over Heals-Tears for Fears
fulsome, locked in the guest bedroom bemoans his fate. Unable to slip out, his attempts at killing the party with Death Cab for Cutie and Pictionary are to no avail. The rabble will not be soothed, nay, they clamor for blood. Saddened by his plight, he breaks out his treasure. A duct-taped Sony Sports Walkman with Auto-reverse (natch) and a mix tape from her- you know, the one with slightly mainstream but great taste, she who knew what a B-side was- she knew that fulsome would appreciate this, the third single from Songs from The Big Chair, and appreciate it unironically. See, she knew he thought of the video, placing himself in the role of the shy library patron unable to get up his courage. Little did Fulsome know the librarian was really teh l4m3, but little did fulsome's crush know he secretly thought of the monkey.

4. 100% Electro-Dsico
This reimagining of Sonic Youth's 100%, originally ode to a fallen friend, disguised as distant hipster angst by a Spike Jonze video of skateboarding wipeouts (really, only to piss off Henry Rollins) soundtracks the first fight of the night. Now, it's a robotic come on and threat wrapped in some digital insta-funk. See, MJ' had been promising everyone she'd pray for them, and promisees were calling in their markers. popren decides he's gonna mess up Guinness Guy with an empty keg, but he screws up and grabs a Heineken keg can. It bounces off GG like a harmless little cheerio, and then GG starts going to town on popren's face, leaving him with ridiculous lamb chops. MJ' flees the scene, only to be horrified by the goings on outside....

5. Strict Machine-Goldfrapp
res publica and teh l4m3 are choreographing their S/M fashion show for Texas Public Access Channel 74. They come on between Klan hour and Apologetics for Leviticus "God doesn't really hate oysters, just homos" hour. It's the definition of a tough time slot. Luckily, they always hang with the producers of those other shows down at The Closet. Anyway, teh's smacking res's full moon with a handful of al dente linguini in time to the electro handclaps of this space disco masterpiece. He's also sashaying too close to the edge of the Ketel One hot tub in his chain mail. They'd just got done putting the right amount of cocktail onions in and had turned on the jets for proper mixing. Teh falls in, and not having remembered he'd recently exfoliated with St. Ives Apricot Scrub, his playful grin is replaced by a look of horror as the 151 hot tub stings his microabraded skin. He immediately jumps out but at that very moment Chuckles sparks his Charles Bukowski Zippo for MomH to light up and teh goes up in flames. He flamers through the party, not so much like Princess Ardala, but like a hellbound flaming Valkyrie of vengeance.

6. Renegade-Styx
Chuckles has found Gregor's mothballed karaoke machine and it's not pretty. Pantsless, he prances, and Dennis DeYoung is summoned, a Canadian demon to torment the tormented. His shriveled bits bounce with urgency, decayed by years of denial and unwise overuse of Enzyte. "The jig is up." Indeed, cobags, indeed.

7. Harmony in My Head-The Buzzcocks
Gregor, unable to control the shambles of the evening takes control of the PA, hoping the urgency of this punk rock classic might unleash a wave of nihlistic stupor upon the little Neros, fiddling and diddling as Three Bulls! did burn.

8. Super Bon Bon-Soul Coughing
Mike Doughty's nonsense choreographs a bizarre ritual of feint and retreat that is the courtship of Chuckles and AG. He, now bepanted and with the scent of the chase flaring in his nostrils, she down to her Spongebob B/P set, and circling each other, together they spiral out of control, obliterating any sense of subtelty or sophistication with their calamity of Jovan Musk and baby powder.

9. Time/The End of Time-The Chameleons UK
fulsome, thinking he's done for, cues up this reverb drenched bit of 80s England. Just as the door is incinerated, and Chuckles cape swirles about himself as he strides through the smokey opening, fulsome is snatched from his grasp. Gavin M., having heard the Chameleons from his happenstancedly passing Justice Helicopter, rescues fulsome from the hellbound gathering.

10. Suffer the Children-Tears for Fears
As Yosef's chilluns are forced to clean up what should be a Superfund site the next morning, we hear this warm-hearted yet synth driven offering from The Hurting. Little do they know they will soon be within the clutches of demon rum, as Asshat did not hide the secret stash very well. And we think of them now, and all the children of the world.

Bonus 11!

Weird Science-Oingo Boingo
Our entire cast of crazies led by MJ' does a "Thriller" like line dance through the destroyed street to this relic, Elfman takes us out through the closing credits as our zombie like protagonists dance their mysterious dance, boys and girls alike hoping for a visit from Kelly LeBrock, ca. 1985, to no avail.

And finally, the party buzz kill we all so desperately need:
Consider the seriousness discussed by res and teh (from dKos here) on the children of Iraq, and we dismiss thoughts of the party from our mind.