Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Three Bulls! has received a leaked document that finally quashes all rumors regarding God's actions and his Hurricane Katrina. His motives, however, with Hurricane Wilma (Deering?) are obscure. Always in motion is the future. Our source, code-named THOME (pronounced Tee-homey or Tome-ee, readers preference), has provided us with a decoding of the motives of the Lord, and they are startling. For once the gays have been absolved. Their responsibility for Katrina has been debunked, yet they do remain under suspicion for Glade Plug-Ins. The document:
Flavor Crystals caused Katrina

Is there any doubt that flavor crystals represent the ultimate in man-against-God hubris? You assume that God is incapable of making a flavorful cup or coffee or delicious stick of chewing gum? You think that only man in his atheistic pursuit of ever more delicious foods could produce delectable tastes. But are these fleeting moments of unnatural pleasure worth the destruction that has been wrought upon our fair shores?

Oh, I know many of you will say, flavor crystals have been around for so long, how could you think that Katrina could be God?s response to flavor crystals? Well, have you ever asked yourself if a rainbow is beautiful? Or would you save a baby if you were walking by and saw it drowning? Well, would you?
Now those arguments might not be enough for some skeptics, but to all you baby-killing-rainbow-haters, I will explain it in simple terms. As old earth creationists have soundly explained God days and people days are not the same. God days can last billions of years, and though it was the acquisition of Folgers by Proctor and Gamble some 50 years ago that led to the unholy alliance that first brought us flavor crystals, those 50 years in "god-time" is like a nanosecond, maybe even less. So from God's point of view he is responding instantly to this abomination. Do you think it is mere chance that New Orleans was the sight of one of Folgers's many offices? I think not.

The decadent symbol of New Orleans was the embodiment of the unnatural flavor crystals. And this is God's response JUST to flavor crystals in coffee. When "god-time" catches up to the likes of Cinnaburst gum and Crystal Light beverages, I fear what wrath will be wrought upon man.

I plead with all food researchers, abandon your artificial flavor research and do not condense those flavors into distilled packets of pleasure. Your pursuit of gluttony and greed may doom us all, but if we turn back now there still may be hope for mankind.
Another tale of flavor crystal woe, and caution be to you of the crystalled flavor. And the debate has raged and woe to those on the other side for what hath they wrought? They hath wrought exactly, cobags, exactly.

The un-Godly duo.

And the completer of the Unholy Trinity, now with Aroma-Seal-Your Doom. Repent, Cobaggos, repent!

UPDATE Pamdagon hammers some gay-baiting, we'd like to point out they have been ABSOLVED of the flavor crystal issue. The case is closed on flavor crystals.