Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween Songs

Name it Cobaggios or all your Take 5 are Mine!! BWAHAHAH! And no putrid death metal selections or you will suffer, oh how you shall sufer!

And we continue...

Why are Lse Fr4nc4is so Purdy?

After years of training at the Barbizon Academy, hundreds of sessions with studio photographers, professional trainers and Hollywood-caliber cosmetology I still don’t take a decent photograph. Whereas a random snap I took of some French dude at last year’s All Souls Procession in Tucson makes him look like a star! A star I tell you!!!

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What I Did over the Weekend Instead of My Blog Homework

Dear Interwebs,

Please excuse Gregor Samsa’s absence for the past three or four days. Gregor was on a cultural expedition to Bisbee, Arizona and Cananea, Sonora . I felt this life experience was just as important to his growth as a young man as would be spending the last three days with his internet buddies.

Unfortunately, Gregor also managed to catch a “cold” in Cananea, poor dear is suffering from a bad headache, nausea, the spins and dehydration. So he may be gone one more day. Again, I apologize for his absence.

Best Regards,


And we continue...

Happy Halloween Yobags and Yobaggettes etc.!!!

Halloween is the birthday of two of Yosef's children, Yobags 1 and 2 and Yobaggette and Yobagatina! Happy Halloween kiddos! All you cobags, too! If you have a good costume you get some of this:

If your costume sucks or isn't scary enough, this cat will infiltrate your home and use your toothbrush. This pic is from a raid on The Editors. Eat it cobaggos! Dress up in comments! I wonder what kind of candy Freedom Camp, Republic of Dogs, Well Rounded Nerds, Pandagon, and Sadly, No! will be giving out?????

Yumth. Thith tathte Gaviny. Thpt!
UPDATE- lamo costumes get Banana Runts AND the cat-licked toothbrush (res publica and I agree on the Banana Runts- blech!)

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Saturday, October 29, 2005

Daylight Savings Screwed Up Friday Pooper Shooter

Don't ask. You know the rounds on this one. Gavin M's got one. Norbiz. Well-Rounded Nerds.

1. Unzip-Cinerama
David Gedge's now defunct follow-up to The Wedding Present, Cinerama, which he dissolved after breaking up with his girlfriend who was in the band, spin tales of lust, failure, longing, disappointment, you know the usual over a retro sound (some horns the occassional xylophone, tasteful guitar). Like Clientele, without the haze, just the cigarette smoke of the morning after the party, where reality becomes painfully clear. As you look over and see the person you either don't like or know you failed to please lying next to you (this really describes most of their songs, not necessarily this one). From the delightfully titled Disco Volante. 7/10

2. I Go with Him-Nina Nastasia
She fits in that stripped down country-esque American vein that Will Oldham (don't really know who that is-Bonnie Prince Billy?) and Iron and Wine fall into. From The Blackened Air. 7/10

3. Jenny Ondioline-Stereolab
Somehow I only heard the extra cocktail-y Stereolab the first time around and not the minimalist, totally awesome 60's space-trip Stereolab. This is the latter, from their first (?) Transient Random-Noise Bursts with Announcements. Oh, this one's 18 minutes and feels more like 4 songs. And will either bore you or transfix you. You'll know by the score what I'll think of your taste if you say the former. Has a very My Bloody Valentine intro. 8/10

4. Lucky Man-The Verve
Kiss off. If the delightful Jedmunds had his music head screwed on straight, he'd worship this song at least, and not Wonderwall, that is if the category was self-important English mid-90's stadium rock. Just admit that you were happy when this video actually came on MTV. Of course, you know that that was two in the morning so I'm talking to a select few of our reading audience. The cobags that didn't have Sega, mind you. (a guilty 8/10)

5. Judge Dredd in Court-Derrick Morgan
From the pre-reggae music style I don't remember the name of signified by the Trojan Records Rude Boy Box. Has some stompy piano where you can feel the proto-reggae beat. A pretty funny song. I heard this on the KEXP world music show a couple of years ago. I also discovered my fave Kenyan music band (Maroon Commandos) on that show. Of course the guy was playing some impossible to find vinyl so I stopped listening to that show. 8/10

6. Transfiguration #1-M. Ward
A pleasant instrumental from an album I don't really listen to. On the country side, but the background of crickets chirping always reminds me of a Yo La Tengo song. Which one? I don't know. Also Jamie R. NR

7. Got Glint?-Chemical Brothers
Nice music...if you're in the bathroom of some lame club but have the feeling you might not be going home along that night, but if you're not in that situation, or maybe riding up some space elevator to some Draconian Orgy with Princess Ardala or teh l4m3 dressed as Princess Ardala (readers choice), then this song is blah. 3/10

8. Worst Thing-Sebadoh
We have already discussed the two Sebadohs. The thoughtful Lou Barlown down- or midtempo songs, and the other ones. The ratios of those songs on the albums are usually 1:5, and the good ones are always the radio tracks. This is not a good one. 1/10

9. Have A Day/Celebratory-The Polyphonic Spree
These guys are either a sick joke or really scary. I haven't heard their new one. This is from their first. Some people really lament the passing of Tripping Daisy whose frontman Tim Delaughter birthed this saccharine cult. 20-some odd robe-clad full orchestra/chorale sounding craziness. 6/10

10. Sub-Culture-New Order
I'm always in between on this one. I feel like I don't like it (NME calls them godlike geniuses, I call them hit and miss). Barn's flat on this one. The drum beats feel even more like paint by numbers, but I seem to remember a bunch of different mixes. Maybe this is the not good one. I usually listen though for the "what do I get out of this?/I always try/I always miss" part. 5/10

11. Bonus not on my computer but I feel like listening to it "Ray Ray Rain" by Bettie Serveert from Lamprey. Pitchfork crapped on their latest, but thank god Pitchfork wasted real estate this week on Destiny's Child's Greatest Hits. Cobags.

And we continue...

Dastardly Tempstress

So Pinko Punko and Geenie Cola were representing at a 'Weenie party as Manny "Trade Me" R. and Vampire "Dame Edna" Girl, and while Geenie C. was the babest chica there, there was temptation attempted. Was it the cute girl in the pantsless (!!) costume (don't ask)? No. It was the girl dressed as BACON. Foul temptatrix! My powers were strong, though, as I had previously had my fill of Chex mix and fun size kit-kats. Take Fives have not made the big time of Costco-size candy bags-- yet.

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Friday, October 28, 2005

Dear Pork

Why are you so delicious? Secondly, why have you gone to the trouble of marinating yourself for TEN WHOLE HOURS? What are the ulterior motives of your minimum five different spices? What business do you have slow cooking for over four hours? What designs do you have on me, and why have I so been ensnared? These are the mysteries of pork.

To let you know, nerfarious yet scrumptious pork, I love googlybear before you, that cannot be changed, appearances to the contrary.

And we continue...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

res tagged us with a meme, Gregor Samsa, BATTER UP!

Since our readers do not care how illiterate we really are, we delegate the meme to Gregor, because we are actually interested in his answers, also because we froze like a deer in headlights when we tried to think of answers. We will answer about the one book that took us awhile to get into: Island of the Day Before by Umberto Eco. It took us a week and a half. Oh, Ada, or Ardor by Nabokov was like a death march. Two books that we have never finished were The Vivisector by Patrick White and The Death of Artemio Cruz by Carlos Fuentes. They were both gifts. What is it about us that leads people to think we'd love incredibly massive stream-of-consciousness or existential epics? We have also received Pynchon's Mason and Dixon as a gift, we didn't even start that one.

And we continue...

Who's the Awesomest Sadly, No Commenter That Has Never Commented At Three Bulls?

tigrismus, you are on the clock, cobag.

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Grab Bag and Requests

Two things, Norbiz, whom we love, places a Tony Lama wrong for once (probably sad about the Astros, and we feel for him). He rightly talks about terms he can do without, and lots of them are "bloggy", and of course we agree, but he could have added one more thing on his list and that one thing is every single ****ing thing that has to do with the internet. I'm just feeling like the cool kids are two seconds from doing a backlasho on everything they have been pimping for the last whenever. Anyway, we report, you decide.

Secondly, we make a bold predictione. We predict a Checkers speech.
No, sillies, a Checkers speech.
Except, this time, we expect VP Stick "Dick Cheney" Painey to give it and in doing so conveniently have a sympathy-generating stroke. Three Bulls! does not prognosticate because always in motion is the future. We just lay it out for all to see. Also, can everyone that reads this also go here? It is the fafblog, and I would like to attract the attention of Giblets. Even though this will invariably lead to our vaporization via Gibletsian deathray, I would like to challenge Giblets to his version of the Checkers speech. While Giblets is defiant, Giblets knows when to curry favor with the androids that live under the volcano.

And we continue...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The New Gluttony

Thanks to Cobag mart (Wal, K, Tar, anywhere), I can now buy cheap, crappy Halloween candy starting two months before the actual Satanic holiday. Just how many Trick or Treaters do they expect us to have? Millions. Of course the cabal of Big Sugar, Big Pharma and Big Dentistry are having a three-way of hate on this bad boy, because this is nothing but a diabetes-cavity axis of awesome. That being said, it has occurred to me that the Cheesecake Factory and The Double have been surpassed. That's right my friends. Crapping out the old candy while eatin' the new batch. Keeps your candy levels from dropping perilously below Oinkity Doink levels. You cobags are already doin' it, don't be candy coy.
"Oh Yosefina, my teeth done hurt from ma breakfast. Why do we have to have Dr. Thunder with our Nestle Crunch cereal? I just want some normal cheerios for once...with...with milk."

"Quiet, Yosef Jr. Jr. Don't wakey Daddy. He done been carousing last night on the majic light box with the spirits named Gavin and Brad."

And we continue...

Malkin, Others Accuse Media, Liberals of Celebrating War Dead

Media, liberals deny bong hits, claim Take Five "fun size" bars, costumes unrelated. Malkin "skeptical", orders media etc. to have hinges oiled.

And we continue...

We've Been Condemned to Die!!

Sorry everyone, but s.z. has decided who will live and who will die, and none of us is on the list.

Fear not, my beloved 7 3Bulls! and assorted ruffians and Hatresses, etc.! I have devised a plan to save us all!

Forget the duct tape and plastic sheets. I figure that since gas prices are still so high that the oil platforms in the Gulf are still non-operational. We will commandeer one of these (much in the way that Sealand was created!) and fill the platform to overflowing with Take 5s! Only the 3B! family and friends will truly enjoy the last days as we will be the only ones with the Good candy bars. Make sure to leave a bunch of Big Kats lying around to cause suffering among those who leave us out!


special note to Thorlac: your time is a-comin'!

EARLY UPDATE: at least none of those guys from S,N! were saved!

And we continue...



And we continue...

Belated Wishes

Does the incredible 3B! celebrate more than one thing in a day?Sadly, No!

Does the incredible 3B! give gifts to anyone who doesn't use internet language writing for their internet name? Sadly, No!

Does the wonderful and classy 3B! use bad words to make fun of Bogs when the turn a year older? Sadly, No! thanks to the Hatress (yes that's how it's spelled, cobags) of Bad Words!

Do we care that the bog where the Mighty Mighty Yosef first claimed his title of thycwoti is still running strong? Sadly, No!

Are we Bubbleholes for not recognizing the beginning of a new year of the efforts for evil and Death-Squad Elitists who enforce the gay agenda through their nefarious use of French-Canadian-Deutsche America-hating Cobags who we desperately want to get herpes so that we can steal all of their traffic for ourselves? Sadly, Yes!*

To honor the most popular bog on all the internets**, I tinker with my time stamp and give Seb, Gavin, Brad, Jeff, and Gorge the gift of a Chilly Carly Simon and unretire from my operatic singing career to reprise my greatest performance which should always accompany a Chilly Carly Simon: "AAAHHHHHHHnipplaanipplaanipplaanipplaanipplaanipplAHHHHHHHH!!!"

*Link does not go to the best site ever on the internet which was Sadly, Yes!

** Not actually the most popular Bog, in reality the 751st most popular bog behind WND.

And we continue...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Jr. High Politics-An Occasional Series

Previously we discussed ad hominem in our Logic series. Tonight, we discuss politics.

Let us set the tableau:

Besnugglybum: "Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie *breath* Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie" (The Boxer? -Ed).

LeShmoopyprat: "Liar!"

Beshnugglybum: "Unhinged Partisan!"

Wah wah.

And we continue...

Like a Fly To Fly Paper!!!

Perhaps we will lure teh l4m3 with.............


And we continue...


In honor of internet wunderkind/scatalogical mastermind (we actually know what that word means, Dub) Teh l4m3, Three Bulls! presents the first probably not annual "Pony-like Award For Services Rendered*."

We begin our proceedings with a biography of our hero.

Teh l4m3 was born in an unknown dimension to unknown parents. The end. Just kidding. What we don't know about Teh is a lot, which contrasts with the opposite, that which we know, which is very little. Of what little we do know is that he was found as an infant in a wicker basket, floating in the River Nihil clutching the 8-track version of the Xanadu Soundtrack and swaddled in some remaindered Strawberry Shortcake mousepads (to those new to Three Bulls! let me explain to you what is funny about that: we made that item up and then searched for it in Google and found that it existed).
An early clue into teh's soul

Teh was raised by gay wolves in a magical forest with his twin brother, Jonah Goldberg. After the pogrom against gay wolves led by John "Totally and unremittingly straight" Podhoretz, the twins were separated, going on to lead very different lives, one doughy, one less so.

Given to the care of a couple of libertarian appliances, one a Roomba and the other a debauched Segway scooter, Teh entered his teenage formative years.
"Teh Mom"

He could be seen cruising the neighborhood in his pimpwagon.
Le Wagon de Pimpe

The soundtrack in his head was of course My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult's "Sex on Wheels", however the sonic image created in the heads of observers was this one (most important link in this entire post), the self-same song soundtracking George Bush's frantic mountain bike rides to nowhere amongst the encroaching tombstones of Arlington Natl. Cememtary. Always accompanying Teh on his teenage rambles were Stutler and Wildorf™, two animatronic leftovers from the failed conservative muppet-knock off theme park in his neighborhood. The two robots would sit in the backseat spouting endless loops of inane criticism, recently they were discovered plugged into the servers at PowerLine.
Not Stutler and Wildorf™

Anyway, they would cruise around town looking for creatures of the meadow with which to have tea parties.
An old friend of Teh.

These innocent times were shattered by the obsession that was to characterize much of Teh's later, darker years. TQFJTC. We cannot speak more of this troubling time, only that it resides in Teh's psyche as a gnawing, unending hunger, possible never to be filled.

Teh was reborn through the power of the internets. Now he preaches his particular combination of tastlessness, scatology, and heart-warming stories at a little white church of light background called Freedom Camp. He ranges far and wide in his travels, taking the time to lovingly craft his missives for all the bloggers on the internet. Sometimes a thread will only have two comments, invariably one will be Teh L4m3's, the other, the lonely proprietor of the webpage. Never once was Teh seen to have uttered "EAT IT COBAGGOS!!!!!!11!!121" without a gleam of frienship in his eye.

His commenting alacrity is amazing, inspiring and sometimes, nauseating.

Teh l4m3 on the English language. Teh l4m3 being onscure and disgusting in one fetid breath. Teh l4m3 being erudite and rudite. Skewering a fellow bogger. Current events. Skittles. Steel Reserve. Flavor crystals.

Let's go to our celebrity endorsers: Tara Reid. Margot Kidder. Mike Hunt (no relation). Christopher Reeves' Ghost. Stephen Hawking. Carey Roberts (who?). Jonah Goldberg. Donald Rumsfeld. Frances Bean Cobain. Jean Brodie. Drew Barrymore. Lamar Latrell (who the eff?). MJ'. Wilford Brimley. Dr. Theopolis. Twiki. Suzanne Whang. Michael Jackson. Lorne Greene. Maria Conchita Alonso. Ozzy. Billy Dee Williams.

Inanimate objects: Eye Wash Station. Some Nazi. Glenn or Glenda Reynolds. Grover Norquist.

Fictional characters: Charlotte Simmons. James Dobson.

Unclear: Richard DiMatteo.

Internet munchwagons: Markos.

Constructions: Hatress (sic) of Bad Words.

Dictators: Too many to mention, including Subcommander Marcos.

These are but a few of the tools in his arsenal. Today we are proud to award Teh L4m3 the first ever "Pony-like award of Freedom and Democracy*", in its award form in is similar to the "Golden Kip Winger" awarded by the Poor Man, but instead is a "Golden Onion Wiener." While it is nothing like a Pony, nothing ever really is. This is a fundamental truth about Ponies, and Pony-like entities. We are very proud of Teh , and we salute him. Amongst the prizes he is to receive, we dedicate this song (click the fly labeled "video" then the bug labeled "Ooh La La", not for those running Windows 95, I'm looking at you, Nutter) to the memorial Teh L4m3 drag show and revue. We also mentally requested and listened to from KBLW "Let It Whip" by the Dazz Band in Teh's honor.

Finally, while we were saving this for an awesome Jonah Goldberg post about Tigerman, we have decided to name Teh L4m3 "Princess for a Day" and not just any Princess. No not Princess Leia (yawn, played and spanked out my friends), but the ultimate in Space Princesses and the only one diva enough for Teh L4m3-----

PRINCESS ARDALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is your crown, wear it well little one! Fly away, fly free!!!
Teh l4m3, you may also choose a Three Bulls! T-shirt/thong (from our shoppe, just to the right) of your desire for free, or you may wait for the SPECIAL EDITION T-shirt, which will come along sometime around the next MGT**

*Pony award not actually awarded.

**Could be next month!!!!!!!!!

And we continue...

Monday, October 24, 2005

My Favorite Comment Ever

Jeremy Osner Says:
August 18th, 2005 at 7:54 am
OMG!!! [name redacted]! Can I take the link superimposed upon your name to mean that you are blogging again, pseudonymously, as one of the contributors to 3 Bulls (which I have not read before now)? That would so, so make my day.

Has anyone ever been so disappointed or so wrong as this poor soul? Three Bulls! lowering expecations like a gobsmack full of soft bigotry.

Somebody buy that guy a drink. Hey, have we linked Virginia Postrel recently? What about Insty? Couldn't do it. Too much of a munchwagon.

And we continue...

Today's Dedication To Journamalism Freebeing

Finally, something worth fighting for, besides the Canadian Curling Association and Big Oatmeal. The Poor Man Institute for Freedom, Democracy and a Pony tells us that the journamalism standard bearers The Onion are under attack for use of the Presidential Seal in an unauthorized fashion. (Thanks, General for the heads up). Oh crap, what would happen if we linked to this. Could Three Bulls! be feeling the heat, too? What about.....

Presidential, well kind of...

Seal (definitely)?

Silly rabbit, not that kind of presidential seal, let me show you for demonstration purposes, below is the Presidential Seal of the USA, and its use signifies the President's endorsement of your website. Certainly, the President does not support Three Bulls, hell he gets confused during Lost, the slowest moving TV show in history, he has no idea what Three Bulls! are about. I got this Seal from "I'm A Total Cobag.Com", I'm sure Dub's down with that.

And we continue...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Yeah, I Thought I Knew Bobby Lightfoot

I was convinced I had him as a camp counselor. Now I feel certain, it was the karate chops to the ass. Hai-ya! Clicking will probably make Baby Cookie Jesus cry, so you were warned.

And we continue...

Friday, October 21, 2005

Pinko Serious Voice

In my most serious voice, I urge you to ponder the complete truthfulness of this serious post at Freedom Camp. The topic is of great concern to California voters, but I think is important for all to consider. What is discussed in some elegant and some inelegant terms, is the nature of what public education is and what it should be, and the desire of Republicans to destroy education for all, so that education for some, the same some that already receive it, can be "saved." teh l4m3 will be receiving an award here on Monday, and the least you can do is go to him and give props to his serious side. And please leave a comment for him, so we know you did your homework.

Oh and here is some toasty Arnold for Pam-manda-munds-a-gon! Watch your language, cobags. Geenie Cola has her eye on you, and watch out for trolls, Three Bulls! is infested (I'm sure you guys are used to it).

Serious Pinko out.

And we continue...

Friday Pooper Shooter

We listen to the internet radio (WOXY), give you are probably unhelpful comments, possible convince you to seek out one of these and support some bands with your hard-earned dollar.

1. Hide Another Mistake-The 88
Kind of retro power-sunny, with slightly theatrical vocal inflections, overly retro keyboard. Meh. 4/10

2. The Sun Comes Through-Kelley Stoltz
Comes across like a late Beatles Paul McCartney song, where he sings in his cooler, lower register, with a sparse, kind of intense piano and slight beats. I would like to hear more of this. The DJ tells me this is from a Sub Pop EP. 9/10

3. Great Waves-Dirty Three
I missed this song ebcause the dogs were barking really loudly and it was because the doorbell rang, which I didn't hear, then the guy starting banging and it was a BITCHY UPS guy, like he was pissy, like he found a curly on his Big Gulp or something. Anyway, I go to sign his little computer pad and I reach for a pen I think he's gonna hand me and he's all "it's right there" in a pissy voice, and yeah, the pen is clipped under the clipboard, but do I look like the receiving dock, like I sign for packages every day? I totally hate people that act like what they do all day is what everyone else does all day. This song has to get a bad rating because of that guy. Sorry, Dirty Three, you can sue UPS. 0/10

4. Thirteen-Elliot Smith
A Big Star cover from the lamented Elliot Smith, sounds even more retro than the original, which of course sounds retro because it wasn't retro at the time but was really original power pop that distilled many 60s influences into a perfect timeless sound. 7/10

5. Underground-Spy
This song seemed OK, but WOXY went silent for a minute, and now they are playing a different song, but they are still calling it "Underground" by Spy, but it is clearly a different song. This one sounds more like an Elliot Smith uptempo clone. And the Pooper Shooter is getting really frustrated and unhelpful to our audience, which in truth probably skips this feature every week. NR

OK every song is now called "Underground" we're giving up and going to the faves from our collectione.

6. Destination Unknown-Missing Persons
Eat it, cobags. This song rocks in that squeaky 80's bleach blonde android kind of way. No, this song is awesome in all universes. Do the robot. NOW> 8/10

7. What's There to Decide-Sloan
Nova Scotia's own power poppers first album of more shoegazey fare. Here's a drony one from Smeared. Not the best song on the album, but lots of good ones, including the nerdrock masterpiece "Underwhelmed." 6/10

8. I Know-The Beta Band
I think this song has a spoon track on it. Awesome. Random sampling psychedelic retro Scottish popsters, now late and lamented, from an early EP, which is collected on the stellar The Three EPs.

9. Chocolate City-Parliament
I think the Parliament side of Funkadelic is the side I like better. George Clinton FUNKY. 9/10

10. Beating Around the Bush-AC/DC
Earlier AC/DC, from Highway to Hell. Cartoony yet they did not themselves yet become cartoons themselves. Angus and the boys seem tighter more committed to the rocking and the salacious sleaze. The riffs are still central and the song is more uptempo than the usual medium not quite bordering on sludge, yet fully entrenched in sleaze. The Pinkster has a soft spot for Bon Scott and his filthy, filthy band. 7/10

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Three Bulls! Marketing 101

"On the go, smart loving moms love McDonalds healthy choices, kids love the fun *shows kids begging "let's go to mcdonalds, let's go to mcdonalds* *mom smiles, takes kids to mcdonalds drive trough, orders kids healthy crap, they fake smile, orders fries and a big mac for herself, winks at camera."

Take a look at this.

And we continue...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Special Call For Submissions!

We would like to highlight teh l4m3's internet skills with the first ever Three Bulls! Special Pony-like Award. We will be awarding it soon. Please go through your comment threads and submit links here for the extra good comments. We will present an album to him at the ceremony, our very own "This Is Your Life/Princess For a Day." We will award his special award very soon*.

*maybe tomorrow**

**possibly Monday!

And we continue...

Beyond the Pale

In the history of interwebs few have plundered the depths of discourse as effectively, as prolifically or with such wanton abandon of common decency as teh l4me. Lately, his comments and his myriad choice of pseudonyms have reached a pinnacle something akin to performance art, good performance art.

teh l4me’s comments often leave me feeling personally degraded but in a good way. However, this comment is beyond the pale. You sir disgust me! I have only one thing left to say: *crickets chirping*

And we continue...


This is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. It's along the lines of the guy with the Amazon reviews. It all got started with this guy's eBay ad for his leather pants (which I think res should buy!)

After cheking that out, you've got to see his note to the new owner of his camera.

And we continue...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Three Bulls! has received a leaked document that finally quashes all rumors regarding God's actions and his Hurricane Katrina. His motives, however, with Hurricane Wilma (Deering?) are obscure. Always in motion is the future. Our source, code-named THOME (pronounced Tee-homey or Tome-ee, readers preference), has provided us with a decoding of the motives of the Lord, and they are startling. For once the gays have been absolved. Their responsibility for Katrina has been debunked, yet they do remain under suspicion for Glade Plug-Ins. The document:
Flavor Crystals caused Katrina

Is there any doubt that flavor crystals represent the ultimate in man-against-God hubris? You assume that God is incapable of making a flavorful cup or coffee or delicious stick of chewing gum? You think that only man in his atheistic pursuit of ever more delicious foods could produce delectable tastes. But are these fleeting moments of unnatural pleasure worth the destruction that has been wrought upon our fair shores?

Oh, I know many of you will say, flavor crystals have been around for so long, how could you think that Katrina could be God?s response to flavor crystals? Well, have you ever asked yourself if a rainbow is beautiful? Or would you save a baby if you were walking by and saw it drowning? Well, would you?
Now those arguments might not be enough for some skeptics, but to all you baby-killing-rainbow-haters, I will explain it in simple terms. As old earth creationists have soundly explained God days and people days are not the same. God days can last billions of years, and though it was the acquisition of Folgers by Proctor and Gamble some 50 years ago that led to the unholy alliance that first brought us flavor crystals, those 50 years in "god-time" is like a nanosecond, maybe even less. So from God's point of view he is responding instantly to this abomination. Do you think it is mere chance that New Orleans was the sight of one of Folgers's many offices? I think not.

The decadent symbol of New Orleans was the embodiment of the unnatural flavor crystals. And this is God's response JUST to flavor crystals in coffee. When "god-time" catches up to the likes of Cinnaburst gum and Crystal Light beverages, I fear what wrath will be wrought upon man.

I plead with all food researchers, abandon your artificial flavor research and do not condense those flavors into distilled packets of pleasure. Your pursuit of gluttony and greed may doom us all, but if we turn back now there still may be hope for mankind.
Another tale of flavor crystal woe, and caution be to you of the crystalled flavor. And the debate has raged and woe to those on the other side for what hath they wrought? They hath wrought exactly, cobags, exactly.

The un-Godly duo.

And the completer of the Unholy Trinity, now with Aroma-Seal-Your Doom. Repent, Cobaggos, repent!

UPDATE Pamdagon hammers some gay-baiting, we'd like to point out they have been ABSOLVED of the flavor crystal issue. The case is closed on flavor crystals.

And we continue...

Treat Her Right

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Jack Black

Oh, every thing on this website is fresh for the first time in whenever (except Monday Goldberg Theatre- I know fulsome, I'm sorry. I have three eps storyboarded, but I need to crank out the Science, Cell and Nature papers on Intelligent Design, so it will be at least until November). So comments up the muppet hole, people!

And we continue...

Hey Yosef Jr., What's That Sound?

"Oh, Yosefina, that truck done gonna back up to the YoShack. That's what all that *beep* *beep* *beep* done signify. I testify to that on the Holy Bible*."

Three Bulls! took the slow boat to this story, but we thought we should bring it to your attention. For another take on this issue involving La Malkin, please shower some digital attention on Auguste at Malkin(s) Watch. Earlier, we correctly castigated Chazmo from LGF for whining about some such BS concerning the OK suicide bomber. A seemingly depressed and poorly socialized youth detonated a bomb killing himself outside of a Sooner football game. Not only did Spazzy Chazzy decry the lack of attention to the story he posted this:

Jihad at the University of Oklahoma?
The story of the suicide bomber at the University of Oklahoma football stadium, determinedly ignored by mainstream media, is beginning to get interesting: [Gateway Pundit: Sooner Bomber Wanted to Buy Ammonium Nitrate!]

More links:

[ - News - Hinrichs Tried To Buy Ammonium Nitrate ]
[Gates of Vienna: Jihad at the University of Oklahoma?]
[The Jawa Report: Oklahoma Suicide Bomber May be Jihadi, Father Denies ]
[Lone Star Times: Boomer Sooner]
[We Aren’t Getting the Full Story on the OU Football ‘Suicide Bomber’ -]

The links all appear to support some sort of Islamic terrorist connection or related speculation. Boy is that word gonna haunt the proceedings. Ooh, I'm sure Chazmo will rein in the comments when they get out of hand, right? A selection of those later, but first let's see what Chaz has to say after the Wall Street Journal covers blog insanity about the story, in an unfavorable light:
One point to make in response: I advanced no speculative theories at LGF, simply asked legitimate questions based on the information available about this very curious case. Not only that, I deliberately shied away from covering the story in the first couple of days, when the only reports available were from unreliable sources.

Here’s the LGF post cited by the Journal: Jihad at the University of Oklahoma? The question mark is, of course, intended to signify that the story is questionable.

The really fascinating part of the story to me is the almost total lack of interest in the mainstream media.
Chaz, let me pull a Vox Day and offer you the definition of "speculation"- ha, just kidding. I'm sure we are merely too stupid to realize the incredible subtelty of your punctuation. I now can see that the word "jihad" was only used because those were the Scrabble tiles you were dealt, and the question mark at the end, normally used to IMPLY SPECULATION, here merely indicates that you are doubtful. Of course since you have bandwidth limits, you had to limit your words and in no way make that clear, you only had time to link 4 or 5 other HIGHLY SPECULATIVE stories, followed by 191 or so hysterical and this-or-that mongering comments. So you know what that sound is Yosef, Jr.? That's the sound of Chazmo backing up, and it took a slap from the limp and crooked pages of the Wall Street Journal to do it. I can't wait for PJs media to tank like a mother, we'll all have margaritas and Geenie's gonna put on Scorpions, Cobags!!!

Oh, a selection of choice LGF comments below, I checked the thread, and Chaz never checked in to waggle the anti-speculation finger- apparently nobody else figured the magical ways of the infamous question mark either.
#5 Beagle 10/4/2005 09:17PM PDT

This story is a real test of the mainstream media and the government. If they try to whitewash the Islam out of this crime, as happened in the Oklahoma City bombing, my low level of trust will drop to nothing.

Pretending a problem does not exist is what I expect in the former Soviet Union, Iran, Saudi Arabia, or China, not the United States.
#23 William 10/4/2005 09:28PM PDT

According to the bomber's father, this was not a politically motivated act.
Mohammed Atta Sr. says the same thing about his son, go figure.

#25 Ojoe 10/4/2005 09:29PM PDT

In this country we had better find out a way to legally declare that islam is not a religion, thus stripping it of its undeserved constitutional protection.

Then we need to outlaw it, and vigorously, physically, extripate it from our midst.

Otherwise one of these islamics, even a self-invented one, is going to do us enormous damage.

I think we better do this soon.

#28 Chief Airdale 10/4/2005 09:32PM PDT

IMO he just got buck fever and hit the switch too early. . . he was 100 yds from the stadium. I doubt he was "just" committing suicide. It was his intention to take a whole lotta Sooners with him.

#31 fuzzspinner 10/4/2005 09:34PM PDT

Okay, now I'm scared. I have a daughter who's a geoengineering major at a petrochemical emphacist university with a significant Saudi presence...Help!

#32 Out Of The Inkwell 10/4/2005 09:34PM PDT

Hmm...going by the latest mug shot of Mr. Hinrichs, he looks somewhat like the average Paleswine "Man On The Street (camel path?)"...just another multiculturally enlightened individual deciding to go the ROP route, I guess...what is the background on this guy?...could it be he was just a wee bit ahead of the curve from his other splodeydope pals on campus?... Oh well, unstable chemical compounds will do it every time...and the MSM is exactly where on reporting this?

*the Holy Meatly Bible

And we continue...

Daily Res

It appears that res has gotten the lowdown on the inconcievable manouvering done by certain NuSkool bloggers who try to make themselves appear more "hip" and "with-it" (as the kids like to say these days) than the OldSkool fake ass homies who be trippin' doin' what the "man" tells them to. Maybe one of you can look into this a little more as I have to go have lunch with Howard Dean...

-Yosef's Diaries
...'s nephew's former classmate's sister-in-law. We're going to discuss strategies for the upcoming DNC (Dubiously Named Coalminers.)

Then again, I completely agree with res because of the blue background on his blog.

And we continue...

Rudimentary Construction of the Insult Narrative

Shout out to Shortsniffer, Trollypants, Tubesock, Jockstrap, Drollpanties, Asshat and teh l4me! I still hate you guys, oh how I hate you, but I couldn’t resist bringing you a little present back from the Emerald City.

And we continue...

Monday, October 17, 2005

Let Us Meditate

...on the Sharon Osbourne-Iron Maiden feud. We have discussed this travesty previously. Considering the malevolence of Ms. Osbourne outlined therein, we felt a deeper analysis was wanting. Now, the transcripts of the notorious Kerrang! interview have been unclassified. We can observe the genius of Ms. Osbourne at work. First she baited her enemy with a preemptive strike, although her enemy appeared to be acting in good faith. Once the situation slipped beyond her control she utilized these events as justification for her original attack. PRICELESS. Too bad this strategy has only ever been observed in obscure beefs of the metal world.

Also, did you guys see that Rover was selling an Ozzfest backstage pass on eBay? Hmmm, I wonder........

PS. It's metal week at Song of the Day and we are taking requests (please no Death Metal).

And we continue...

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Three Bulls! Under Surveillance

Forces nebulous and unclarified swarm about Three Bulls! not unlike the Insidious Hordes of Chinese Robots bespoken of yore. As if we couldn't get more meta around here, we just linkied a post that linkied us about I.H.o.C.R. Anyhoo, we have been slacking lately with our commentary of the world. We just can't bring ourselves to do it. For example we can barely muster the energy to think about the atrocities against human thought that constantly lap upon our shores of sanity.

If we really wanted to put on a show for the eyeballs upon Yours Trulies we'd probably just attack someone like Vox Day. An apt description of his self-satisfied writing style would be the narcissism involved with some sort of autoerotic pathology. In essence, Three Bulls! challenges him to deny making love to his reflection. And what a reflection it is. I'm sure it is as supple and masculine as his prose, chiseled, rational, forceful, possibly throbbing.

The man is accomplished. He is self-taught in a language. He can bench press like a mocofobag. I am certain that his equal does not exist upon the face of the earth. He alone of mankind has transcended his physical and genetic bonds, he has perservered, and he may be truly proud of his accomplishments. Why should I attack him? I should praise him to the stars from whence he most truly will return. A flaming scimitar of truth, denying the weak and praising the strong. Also, his blog title is in frigging another language!!!!!!! It's not in Latin though. (Ed. -you just spelling flamed that cofomobag on his blog? Better take a look at your own house, hypocrite. Response: we couldn't help it, it was bugging the crap out of us)

I mean the guy quotes in his arguments. (UPDATE- he does it ALL THE TIME) We'd be dead in the water. Plus he might throb on us. Anyway, I wouldn't pick a fight with anyone just for traffic, he already knows Three Bulls! think he is somewhat of a cobwad, albeit with a probably super tight bottom (am I making you horny teh l4m3? I'm mildly nauseating myself- (no comma Vox, myself is the object, not apositive). Anyway, he's actually very smart, but since he doesn't understand that logic does not shape actual reality and while his statements can have the appearance of logic, he's just a piece of beefcake that knows a lot about stuff, signifying nothing and having no point. Just like the rest of us, however less beefy we may be.

Oh, here's Vox:
But after reading this awesome post------ COBRA ssssssStrike! (I imagine him dropping some serious cobra Fu on unsuspecting victims while making the snake fang gesture, you know the one)-----I will always think of him like this:
Cobra sssssssssssssssssssssssSTRIKE MOTHERF*************


Amanda steps into the fray! We agree with PZ, we certainly expect him to call her a woman, although to up the ante, we expect either "emotional" or "irrational" to enter his vocab, although maybe he'll utilize his bookiemark for, that bad boy's well thumbed. Also, we always thought this one picture at The Poor Man was The Editors, but IT'S ACTUALLY VOX DAY'S ALTER EGO, Theo Beale!! And FINALLY, when we cracked about the flaming scimitar we had no effing idea of this:
I AM IN STITCHES PEOPLE, STITCHES. Read on to learn the true hilarity of this image...

And we continue...

MSN Search, Successfully Leading Our Youth Astray. I Only Wonder What Encarta is Telling Them.

Somebody found that Three Bulls! was the number one result for this search. Yes, friends, that question was "can i be 11 years old and get a job that is safe?", well Three Bulls! says "not if you are wasting your time on internet trash like Three Bulls!" Also, if we do the same search on Google INCLUDING the phrase "Three Bulls" we still don't get us, because somehow there are lots more useful internet answers to the question besides our brand of wisdom. Oh Google, why do you hate us with your accuracy and performance?

Also, I know that these posts are tired and crap, but Three Bulls! are not anything, if not unoriginal, however any chance to point out the delightful suck of MSN should not go unpunished.

And we continue...

Friday, October 14, 2005

Three Bulls! Sole Goal

is to craft and shape our country's discourse to a more accurate and descriptive plane. Words and phrases should elicit responses of all senses, and the heart and mind should be moved equally. And we are one step closer to that goal tonight. Take dear Larry Johnson, writing at Talking Pants Cafe- he has done much work describing how dastardly the Valerie Plame outing has been, and how damaging to national security, but it was not until this statement that his words struck home for Three Bulls!:
Valerie Plame was still a non-official cover officer in July 2003 when her identity was revealed by colostomy bag Bob Novak.

(Our emphasis) The kids say cobag these days, Larry, but we love the work you are doing, and we love the shout out to Three Bulls! 3B's shippin' Larry Jo 4EVA!! Thanks to Marq for taking the internets over from Sadnogon, we dedicate San Francisco Fleet Week to Marq, and this beef and sausage combo.

And we continue...

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

Friday Pooper shooters around the horn. Norbiz (and lots in the comments there). Freedom Camp. Mdhatter. Also Pop Renaissance. Uh, when did that guy get a webpage other than his band one? He has a million times more records than we do, plus he has a more mature sensibility- meaning older and better stuff. Does nobody wish to inform me of the doings on the electronet? Well-rounded Nerdburgers were too busy out Three-Bulling Three Bulls! on the in jokes to get around to it. This week contines to be via WOXY on your internet radio dial.

1. A History of Lovers-Calexico and Iron and Wine
Whoa. These guys doing 60s am pop with some horns. Only caught the last 20 seconds. To remind you Iron and Wine’s Sam Beam is the king of hushed archival sounding country folk music and Calexico does some sort of alt-countryesque stuff, including backing Neko Case (our fave alt-country chanteuse) on her album Blacklisted. 8/10

2. Parisian Dream-Laura Viers
This song didn’t stick with me, I’m giving it a No Rating (NR). I know, really helpful to you.

3. Hot One-Shudder to Think
Before I saw who this was, I noticed a slightly theatrical bent to the slightly interesting song, definitely doing its own thing. These guys got radio play for one song in the 90s- “Ex-French T-Shirt” from Pony Express Record. That song started out all theatrical and odd, but the outro was totally killer. I also believe the lead singer here is married to Nina Persson of Cardigans fame. Lucy bastart. 6/10

4. Cool Kids Keep- America Analog Set
Nice fuzzy intro with some piano, and the fuzz just keeps going. The hushed vocals keep the song from feeling sinister because of the fuzz. A really nice atmosphere. Although, it starts to get sinister, because it is unclear on how he is using the term “the cooler kids”- the real cooler kids, or the rich trendy bastards? Totally unclear. This one is good, nice job WOXY. 8/10

5. Happily Frozen-Sunset Valley
Slightly nasal vocals. These guys probably have 50 Beulah CDs and maybe some of the annoying Ween ones. As much as I am not into this, it’s still OK, but sounds like less than the usually hyper Elephant 6, or maybe Elephant 6 (Elf Power, Apples in Stereo, etc.) on Ritalin. 6/10

6. Going Fetal-Eels
One of those sounds super happy Eels tunes that is actually totally depressing done as a 60s pop ravc up with opening applause and organ and some almost mariachi horns. Actually OK, but one wonders how many songs like this they can crank out. This lacks subtlety though, so only 6/10.

7. Country-Without Gravity
Some slightly twangy pleasant sounding singer-songwriterish song. 5/10

8. Lying-Sam Philips
An affecting rich, deep voice. She really is awesome. The production sounds a little cheap or maybe 80’s-ish, but it doesn’t matter. I really like her voice. 8/10

9. My Own Face…- The Clientele
I like The Clientele, but I wonder whether their shimmery, affected Englsih 60’s hazy psychedelia doesn’t work all the time. This one has some nice guitar in the middle though. I find the title track to their album The Violet Hour to be quite affecting, and this is along those lines. I don’t like the “da da dada da da da” ending on this one. 7/10

10. Transmission-Radio 4
These guys do cheesy “dance punk” of the kind of trashy sort. Really sounds like a live band playing electronic dance music. This song sucks. I love their super cheesewad “Party Crashers” only because the entire song exists for someone to flip their hair at the club while looking better than you.

Fiona Apple-Get Him Back
Thumpety thumping piano, Fiona doing her restrained vamp. I like her slightly more down tempo, doing the slow burn. This is off her new one (the official version). The last 30 seconds kicks it up two spots. She starts to let go. 8/10

Also, Self's "Trunk Full of Amps"- "I got a trunk full of amps, mother------, like Lenny Kravitz, I got a trunk full of amps, mother-------" AWESOME> 9/10

And we continue...

You Wanna Mess?

You best not step to Three Bulls! because we are fueled by the power of the mini-donut. Yosef, prepare to knock Krispy Kreme to number 2, cobag!
Also, apparently these little heart disease bombs of goodness also lead to bags of money-more INFO HERE! Sign Three Bulls! up!

PS. We have indeed had this exact style of mini-donut, and they are in truth totally amazing. And yeah, better than Krispy Kreme (I'm looking at you, Gen. Stonewall Jackson Yosef III).

And we continue...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Busta Rhymes and Missy Elliot dropping raps at Gaps with Yosef!

And we continue...

The Double

The Double is a ****ing sacrifice to the Gods of fat, grease, overindulgence and self-centered oinkity doink that is our culture. Cookie Jesus' thirst for our affection may be slaked by a special sacrifice, one for which need be trained (hey Chuckwagon, notice the lack of dangling?). This involves the very doable Double. There is a Triple, which should not be attempted at lunch, this is a dinner. A Quadruple is theoretically possible, but gas prices and physical reality have slightly interceded. More on the Quad later.

The Double:

Hop in car. Take uninitiated friend. Drive. There's a 7-11 on the way, a Slurpee is awesome, but this would be the Double*, or for another version one could get a Jarritos or a Jamaica at the place (first place, that is). Where you will get these ($1.15 apeice).
Three Bulls didn't take this pic of a "taco truck" taco ("street tacos")- two griddle warmed fresh corn tortillas with a pile of tasty carnitas, or what have you, al pastor (a spiced, bbq pork- can be amaazing, can also just taste like MSG) some onions, cilantro (yeah I know it tastes like soap when you are a kid, but grow up, it's awesome) and some yummy homemade salsa. (picture stolen from here, please read, the FULL lowdown on the tacos). Also come in carne asada, tongue, tripe, what have you, but what you see is what you get- usually a lime on the side, some spicy pickled carrots and peppers, and some radish, sometimes a small, whole grilled onion. These will be devoured in the parking lot. However, this is the Double. Or Double*. Meaning we aren't done yet, and Cookie Jesus is far from satisfied.

Next stop, a mere two minutes down the road. Initiate the uninitiated into the ol' In and Out. We've discussed that, especially the last bite, previously, here. Anyway, get the fries, make sure you mow them before they are gross (their half life is under 4 minutes, that's for sure). Get the number 3 (burger, fries, drink, no onions, a little too chemical tasting). And that's the Double. Double* is plus slurpee. The TRIPLE, well, that's crossing the street and getting not one, but two Krispy Kremes. One reg, one maple. The heretofore only contemplated QUADRUPLE, which would literally send spasms of ecstacy throughout Cookie Jesus, would be to hop cross the bridge or head down the 101 for a Vietnamese sandwich. This will be discussed at a further date when it has been accomplished. Ok kids, what constitutes your regional Double, and can we get some calorie counts? CJ loves it when you are accurate in your gluttonous worship. Also, we dedicate this last double and every taco-containing double, as always, to Twisty Faster, who's got a sitch right now. Throw it, TF!

And we continue...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Joe Camel Keeps Trying to Suplex Brad R.

Cuz the B man is trying to kickeroni. Laurette Spang wants to say "no way, Joe C!"
Dear Brad R. please believe in yourself and keep fighting, warrior! Also, Jonah Goldberg I would like to dedicate Spiderwebs by No Doubt to you, also, stop calling me. Also, teh l4m3, I might think about it, if we could meet in the stacks. Love- L

And we continue...

Oh, At Least When We Post

About our referrals, it's funny, gross, or sad, well all three. Chazmo does his once a week site-meter roundup yammer-on, with of course no insight. Just about hordes of insidious Chinese robots. As usual. Come on, we're DYING for H.o.I.C.R. over here, it gets plotzed in his lap, and he throws out a dingleberry for what? People to feel bad for him, because he was making love to the server logs and got interrupted by the robots? Just post another tasteful snappy-shot and at least we can psychoanalyze that concerning the absolute emptiness usually contained therein.

And we continue...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

First of All, Curse Jonah Goldberg, Curse Him For His Age and Wisdom

He is just old enough to besmirch our nerdly icons. I actually have some serious stuff marinating, but I can't get it to coalesce into coherence. Quit chuckling, peanut gallery. Anyhoo, my point being that I wish that Load O' Dough™ were a little younger, and to have cut his adolescent fever teeth on Counselor Troi (actually, click this one, I expect Jage has it bookmarked), or maybe if he is a sicko, Silk Stalkings, as opposed to our treasured chaste space cakes. We discussed, in a fit of patriarchy, Col. Wilma Deering last week. This week we present the koan of Maren Jensen, go'bless.

We could only imagine the little donut hole himself lusting at the Magnavox console, declaring to Dear Mother "have the broker buy 30,000 shares in Pfizer and Kimberly Clark, A-sap! I would like to be alone with my thoughts." So he said with malice aforethought. Wait, oh what's that? Yes Capt?

Capt. Trollypants: "Tell them to click the Pfizer and KC links for the joke, cobag!!!1!1! These guys ain't geniusus!! Also EAT IT!"

Thanks, C, ya got my back.

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Insta-Poll

So it's pretty clear certain internet cobahs (cobag-poobah) blog so much that they're are probably dropping links and metaphorical turds while also besmirching their city's water supply with literal ones. What I want to know is this: among certain circles it appears to be OK to talk on the phone while tinkling, is this true amongst your circle? And can you possible defend it?

And we continue...

The Computer and I had Fights Club Tonight

We cannot really speak of it, but we can say that Three Bulls! has attained wireless capabilities. This will most definitely increase the odds of Three Bulls! communicating with you in our underwear. As for the Cheetos, our budget does not allow them. Three Bulls! shwag available on sidebar (our Cheeto fund). We expect to liberate our first bag of Cheetos from the candy machine by around 2057 at this rate, although odds are Cafe Press goes out of business and/or alien attack/apocalyptic cataclysm before we taste those sweet sweet Cheetos.

Also, props to Seitz for his Angels dismissing the Yanks. I expect some serious Fulsome trash talking to Seitz and vice versa on this here thread.

And we continue...

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Top THIS Referral?

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Unite Canadian Rock Dogs!

WOXY just dropped Three Pistols on our ever-lovin' asses, Three Pistols for Three Bulls! Rock those devil horns, kids, we're going all night, rolling strong, rollin' proud. We give you the Tragically Hip:
Tom Thompson came paddling past
I'm pretty sure it was him
And he spoke so softly in accordance
To the growing of the dim
He said, "Bring on a brand new renaissance
Cause I think I'm ready
I've been shaking all night long
But my hands are steady."

Three pistols came and three people went, on their way
Three pistols strong and three people spent

Well he found his little, lonely love
His bride of the northern woods
But, she took me to the Opera House
Like he said she would
Then she sighed and she fell from the balcony
Shakespeare's bent to touch
She never had any time for me
Cause I didn't protest enough

Three pistols came and three people went, on their way
Two pistols strong and three people spent
Ed- alright alright alright WOO!

Little girls come on Remembrance Day
Placing flowers on his grave
She waits in the shadows 'til after dark
To sweep them all away

I say, bring on the brand new renaissance
Cause I think I'm ready
I've been shaking all night long
But my hands are steady

Three pistols came and three people went, on their way
Three pistols strong and three people spent
Three pistols came and three people went on their way
One pistol strong and three people spent

And we continue...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Unbelievable Gutlessness of the Canadian Curling Association

Dear Edmonton, please show us that you are world class, we won't blame you for the follies of the CCA.

The unfettered deviltry of our Northern oppressors continues. The cozy cozy partnership between best-pals the CCA and the spineless munchwagons of the World Curling Association has birthed yet another atrocity amongst the great sport of curling. This unholy alliance has bilaterally awarded the 2007 Men's Curling Worlds to Edmonton. J.H.C. on a f***ing triscuit. Obviously Edmonton did a great job with the 2005 Tim Hortons Brier, but pleasuring the donut king is one thing, these are the bigs.

I won't be holding my breath for the MSM to be all over this. The limitless power of the CCA has pretty much stifled all major blogs except for our modest page. I just hope John Hinderaker of Powerline enjoys his kickback for muzzling his bully pulpit about this travesty. What was it John, blow or blown? What was it Malkin, did Jerry Shoe' drop a horse head in your bed? Did Jesse even notice? The silence is chillingly, tellingly deafening, Chazmo.

And we continue...

Dear Total Cobag...

who came here searching for "Chicago Bulls song".
Go blow yourself. Oh my god I hate you. I will quote Bobby Lightfoot here:
"Don't ever come back here again. I'll track you down through StatCounter and send you a virus in an email that looks like it came from your favorite jack off fantasy, Dave whatsisname."
Also, the song is "Sirius" by Alan Parsons Project you total jackwad. It even has its own mention in Wikipedia you illiterate hack. You degenerate waste. You ill-bred, ill-groomed insect-like turdmunch. You are the cobag of the century.

Dear Asscrack Dweller, I hope you don't run into Johnny Stock in a dark alley.

And we continue...

Friday, October 07, 2005

Friday Pooper Shooter

edit- from WOXY again, hence my unfamiliarity with many of the songs.
1. Smile 4U-Magnapop
Shit! I remember these guys just being awesome (i.e. she was a babe, and they had this tight, crunchy pop thing going (Hot Boxing). Where the hell did this come from? (Ed.-from 2005(!!!!!)’s Mouthfeel). That’s nine years between albums, kids. I knew I had Hot Boxing, but it seems I also have Rubbing Doesn’t Help. Huh, I’m puttin’ ‘em in. 8/10

2. Evil-Interpol
Hi, we’re the boring, unmelodic Antics-era Interpol. Not poorly put together, but this song does that thing the singing that is kind of like talking and is hook free. I know I am uncool for this stand. Plus, if you name a song “Evil” it better sound like Sabbath or Danzig or worse. And the only thing about Rosemary that should be mentioned is her baby. 5/10

3. Have You Ever-Lake Trout
Starts of with this climbing, seemingly like its gonna get heavy, then it turns into wha? I don’t know. Kind of OK, not a grabber. 5/10

4. Gentelmen-Afghan Whigs
That sinister staccato, tight jangly thing. This song had some sort of sleazy vibe. Don’t watch the video, though, it has all those crazy 90’s angles, and it makes them seem terrible. 8/10

5. Come On Feel the Illinoise-Sufjan Stevens
I love Sufjan, but his Philip Glass on Smarties with a direct quote from “Close To Me” by the Cure, with a little Charlie Brown piano thrown in, is it too much? No, not with the extended instrumental interlude, which I believe quotes “Yoda and the Force” from Empire Strikes Back too, as well as the outro from the Box Tops “The Letter”. 10/10

6. No Eyeliner-The Vibration
Kind of creepy intro with some vibey guitar, then the military snappy snare, and some interesting female vocal. Then it gets a little I don’t know, I don’t love it, but I am slightly intrigued. I would listen to this song again. 7/10

7. Mr. Grieves-TV on the Radio
Goth barber-shop quartet? Is this correct? I don’t know the point but 9/10.

8. That’s Because-Acid House Kings
Pleasant. Probably not for this moment in my life. Seemingly boring, like a less twee, but non-descript Belle and Sebastian song. I just watched a TV show that used the Pixies “Where is My Mind?” and since Fight Club already took that song away, I can’t even be mad, cuz it totally fit in this show, but I think the hipsters would totally freak their shit out about it, if they didn’t already secretly watch this show (teenage girls and pitchfork nerd boys probably are the ones that like it). Anyway, that’s what I was thinking about during this ho-hum song. 6/10

9. Get Up Stand Up-Bob Marley
First and last of all, Bob Marley’s Legend comp is the f***ing Moby “Play” of 10 years ago. Everyone had the tape. Everyone had the CD. It is ubiquitous and I can’t stand even one second of it. It is like the Pina Colada song times infinity. This in no way informs anything about his talent or his legacy. Eat it wann-rasta cobags. And you too douchebag known as “Lippy” 0/10

10. When In Rome-Nickel Creek
What the hell is this? Alt-cheese country? Cheesy-mainstream alt-country? Maybe if there were super hot beefcake and cheesecake in the video for all the boys and girls, but not on “alternative radio”. 2/10


11. Pendulum-Broadcast
Like airy, Beach Boy loving Monomania (dreamy female vocals) but with bleep bleeps. Kind of creepy in a good way. 8/10

12. Bleed Without You Babe-Warlocks
Like the love child of Brian Jonestown Massacre and Dandy Warhols. Maybe it is derivative, but I like it. Actually it is more like a BJM song, but good. Didn't Pitchfork crap all over these guys this week. Cobags 7.5/10

And we continue...