Saturday, August 27, 2005

How Come Iron Maiden Didn't Get a Slot In Your Self-Promoting Concert? I'm sure Helloween was available too.

Last article for awhile on how much Pitchfork sucks, but they have flungeth this obstacle into the path of Cookie Jesus, and it must be addressed.

Pitchfork jumps the shark.

The wacky, America-hating Pitchfork attacks Judas Priest by not mentioning them at all in their article about a different band, Iron Maiden. How could they perpetrate such an atrocity? Some back story on Iron Maiden: These guys are my friend's fave band. They write songs about Dune, Edgar Allen Poe, Greek mythology, Phantom of the Opera, Egyptian stuff, the TV show the Prisoner, old weird movies like The Wicker Man. Possibly Lord of the Rings. The songs are 10 minutes long, and they now feature three guitarists. The lead singer sings in the prototypical Heavy Metal "out of his range" range. The Spinal Tap move of the guitarists playing in unison, phallic guitar thrust over the audience, one knee up on the monitor- that's a Steve Harris (bassist) original. Steve also sings along un-miced because he's the songwriter. If you don't already like this stuff, I can pretty much guarantee that this would be a huge "what the ????? after your Arcade Fire or The Shins shuffle onto "Two Minutes to Midnight".

They introduced prog into metal. They are the epitome of bloat, but their fans love it and their merch is super cool especially when you are a kid in junior high and you see that one 9th grader that has a different Maiden shirt for every day of the week- your fave- "Piece of Mind", no- "Aces High", no "Powerslave"! Still talking about shirts. The prog and technical influence of this band opened the door for faster and harder bands, but as with prog, form overrides function. I like these guys just fine, mostly because my friend loves 'em, and its fun to be into what he's into, but for Pitchfork to essentially shit on this stuff for years and years trying to be the cool kids, now saying "it's OK. It's a 7.5." They should burn in hell. All this time they have been pretending to be hipster douchewads, yet now they reveal themselves to be no better than the rest of the long hair, D and D playing math kids (some of my friends), that went for the prog metal instead of the cock rock. Oh, and they completely malign Judas Priest by a failure to mention them. The silence is deafening. When they don't mention Judas Priest tomorrow, it will be more evidence that they hate America.

Oh, all your favorite Iron Maiden "Spong Bob" covers here- part of a terribly gone wrong marketing campaign to bring metal to a new generation. Up the Irons, Squidward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!