Monday, July 04, 2005

The Festival of Meats! America Celebrates its Meatly Birth!

On this Holiest of Days, where we honor Our Lord Jesus for gracing the Declaration of Independence with his signature, we feast upon the delectable flesh of the magical creature that provides us with pork, ham, and bacon along with various and sundry other sausages, snossauges, and varied delights of the divinely juicy tidbits provided to us by the pit boss in the sky.
Because there are many solemn duties this day, one must swear off the usual breaking of the fast so that one might consume bountiful quantities of goodness. The special communion of our country is not a tiny divine cracker, but rather the tantalizing and delightful item, 48-52 per holy unit, the Littlest of Smokies. While stories tell of a magickal Smokie Beast, the Lord hath stricken this beast from the Ark, and only his tiny relatives remain. While they appear tiny, their power should not be underestimated lest your colon be smited. Following this appetizer, several other meatly morsels are consumed with blessed gusto. A vessel for preparing deliciousness is shown.

Below are the Holiest of Holies. The backeth ribs of the magickal pork beast. Equally holieth to this delight is the Beefly Brisket and the Pork that Be Pulleth.

Lest anyone claim this be meatly pornography, or indeed images of the graven kind, punishest them with this:

But BEWARE this treacherous, this loathsome, this disingenuous product, known to some as the ULTIMATE COLON SMITER lest one be SMOTEN onself.