Monday, January 16, 2006

Survival Tips-The Urine Soaked Tenderloin Edition


When traveling amongst the peoples of the world and various cultures and what have you, there are certain courses of action that will lead you to success. Here are our tips for surviving The Urine Soaked Tenderloin (TUSTOSAN) of San Francisco.

1) Fortify yourself with Thai food. Spicy.

2) Remember that in TUSTOSAN any and all surfaces are covered in urine.

3) If you are going to the trouble to be annoying interpretive dance girl, silhouetted in the bright rope lights of Kimo's, do NOT wear either unfortunately clunky yet somehow tight-fitting cargo pants OR duct tape a foot long Subway Sweet Onion Teriyaki Sub to your ass, because the results are the same and from the back of the room we couldn't tell the difference. We were convinced it was a sandwich because Teh L4m3 expressed in no uncertain terms that he wanted to take a bite outta that 'wich, and he's not really playing on your side of the bracket, if you know what I mean.

4) When hanging out with Pop Renaissance and his blast from the past shimmery, shiny, hazy shoegaze band Hope Chest, be prepared to be infected with the hug bug. Pop Ren likes to hug, and pretty soon we were all doing it. I think I got away without having to hug fulsome, and that would have been an awkward, unfortunate, and cloacular hug.

5) Beware the Kimo's bs weak drinks. You might be tempted to go into some other place and right the ship, not realizing your internal drinks meter has been compromised. Then you will suffer.

6) Offer to buy the last, deadly round, then run out of money and have Richie McRichieburg bail you out.

7) Bob's donuts. The best Apple Fritter ever to be conceived or implemented. A veritable pure heroin-like blast compared the bargain basement OxcContin that is Krispy Kreme (you are on notice Yosef).

8) Remember to thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for placing an unbelievably convenient Port-O-John on the route home, removing any need for an unfortunate urine-soaking of Pacific Heights.

9) Hydrate.

Other notes

Hope Chest played "Tears" by Chameleons but an even swirlier and shimmery arrangement. It would have even sounded good if I had sung, that's how good it sounded.