Wednesday, November 30, 2005

PupH Humbly Suggests


The anteater for all your pestilence eradication needs. I'm not sure about the rats and mice but I'm sure you could train one to eat those too.

Just no more cats OK? Geesh. Thanks so much. This has been a special guest post by PupH

And we continue...

Proof that I am, in fact, THYCWOTI

"...the rich, tree-hugging, laser-shooting-at-crystals-in-the-Puget-sound, limp-wristed, liberal elitists who were educated at liberal arts, Ivy league schools..."


They're X-RAYS, GA'DAMMIT!! (Feckin' lasers - sheeee-it.)

And my wrists are as stiff as a couple of 3LB beef sticks!! Turgid even!!!

And it isn't Ivy that leaps to mind when thinking about Humboldt State.
jexter | Homepage | 11.29.05 - 4:39 pm | #

Jex, all I hear is lasers.
Yosef | Homepage | 11.29.05 - 4:58 pm | #

GAAAAAAHHHHRHRRRRR!!!!!!!
X-RAYS! MMMMRRRRMMPH-SPITTLE-RAZZZZZERRRRSPAAAAZZZLE!!!!!!

X-[Bubble]-MA[bubbl]IN-RAAAAAAAAAYYYYYSSSS!

Keeeeeeeeeeee-riiiist. Your making my head hurt.
jexter | 11.29.05 - 5:21 pm | #


Your making my head hurt

What other hot young conservative writers on the internets can do that with only a couple of comments?

And we continue...

One Thing About Sitemeter

Yeah yeah, we just got the "hos sucking c*ck" hit. And I just insured we're gonna get like 800 more by typing that sentence. What I watned to discuss was the fact that some people actually e-mail their friends Three Bulls! links. I AM JUST DYING TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

Is it:

A) "Waste some ATP (that's the cell's energy currency, folks) and click on this douchey link, PZ!"

That would be weird.

B) "Here's that kitten picture you wanted, Editors."

C) "Well, this is all I could find for "hos sucking c*ck" on MSN search. It should be spankable, I guess, Yosef."

Yosef thinks: "I just got sent a link to my own secret blog??? TOTALLY META!!!!!! I wanted porn. Wah wah."

D) ?

What should (D) be, and you can totally blog-whore in comments. Oh great, I just used the word whore. MSN search just can't tell the difference!

And we continue...

These Bastards


Are probably going for my toothbrush right now. Yes, friends, we haven't even told you about the rats, and we're already behind on pests. This month's invasion: ANTS! Awesome! And we live in a really nice place (no, seriously, there's nothing to complain about except mice, rats and ants).

Also, the answers to the song contest are at Song of the Day, here and here.

And we continue...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

To Be the Man, You've Got To BEAT the MAN! WOOOO!!

And that other driver was obviously the man, so I beat him!


Woo?


Ric! How has the Nature Boy been? I haven't heard from you since your son got charged for assault during a High School Wrestling match. Did you ever finish teaching him the difference between wrestling and rasslin'?

WOOO!!

I know what you mean Ric. "Woo" indeed! But what's this latest news I hear? Is it another excuse for the rich, tree-hugging, laser-shooting-at-crystals-in-the-Puget-sound, limp-wristed, liberal elitists who were educated at liberal arts, Ivy league schools and now live in the Northeast, to hold you down?


Ric Flair is accused of road rage.

A 29-year-old driver claims the professional wrestling legend got out of his vehicle on Interstate 485 in Charlotte on Wednesday, grabbed him by the neck and then kicked the door of his sport utility vehicle.

"The Nature Boy" told the Observer on Monday that it didn't happen that way. "I didn't do anything wrong at all," Flair said in a telephone interview from Cleveland. "As usual, I will be exonerated."

Charlotte-Mecklenburg police said the charges stem from an incident that took place about 6:30 p.m. on the day before Thanksgiving. The driver told police Flair grabbed him, leaving two bruises on his neck, and then kicked the driver's side door of his Toyota 4Runner, leaving a large dent.

On Friday, a magistrate issued warrants charging Flair with injury to personal property and simple assault and battery, both misdemeanors. Julia Rush, a Mecklenburg Sheriff's Office spokeswoman, said Monday the warrants had not been served.

The platinum-blond Flair has been in trouble with the law before. In his book, "To Be The Man," he writes about getting 82 moving violations in four years. He has also been sued for allegedly harassing attendants on a charter flight.

Said Flair: "It's nice to be Ric Flair 95 percent of the time."


From the Observer

Ric, all I've got to say is "Look at me, learn to love me, 'cause I'm the hottest young conservative writer on the internets today! WOOOOOO!!!

And we continue...

The Mean Streets

Three Bulls! love for the three-legged dog is well-documented. Fun-loving high-spirited and emotionally manipulative they brighten even the most somber day.

But the three-legged cat is a rare beast – only two have been known to me. The first was a sad pitiable critter that demanded constant attention to the point where it had to be carried from the sofa to the litter box to the food bowl to the sofa. The only task its owners didn’t perform was the licking of the three lonely little paws. So sad and oh so fawned upon.

The second, Kitty Kattwood, is a spunky little girl (all cats are girls to me) that loves the streets and lives for danger. In various states of delirium I imagine the adventures and missions of Kitty Kattwood as a private eye or an international spy. These dreams, like many of my thoughts, are only funny to me. So if you see me out, chuckling to myself, and ask me why, and I start to explain, and you just don’t get it, and I look ashamed and stunned like the bunny in the headlights, just walk away, and leave me to dreams of Kitty Kattwood Riding Her Banana bike on the mean streets looking for trouble but finding only love. (by E. Atwood from the Mystery Art Bag)

And we continue...

Monday, November 28, 2005

Dear Internet Please Feel Free to Steal these Kat Pics!















Posted in honor of Jexter's Cat Haikus.


And we continue...

On the History of Three Bulls!

In response to an AMAZING joke at LGF:

Oh Jeezus. That one did not just make the brain cell joke. I didn't just read that.

I LOVE THE BRAIN CELL JOKE. GET THAT KID ON CARSON. PRONTO.

funny story. I'm sitting around with the original three bulls! myself, the nutter and the randroid. so we go to Wendy's and the nutter is kind of a cheap bastard, and the randroid who also happens to be a rich rich bastard (a rich, libertarian randian, shocker!) and the nutter had ordered, what arguably was the smallest kiddie order of fries I have ever seen. seriously, it was like two fries. great value, dude. you saved 17 cents. anyway, the randroid just wouldn't let it go (he's a joke repeater BTW, no such thing as original material, and won't let any sublimity lie, has got to ruin any good joke by killing it). and he keeps asking the nutter "so could there possibly be a smaller size fry than that. seriously, nutter, could there physically be a smaller size. I don't think that's possible. and the nutter finally just loses it and says "jon (the randroid), there IS a smaller size, it's called Jon's penis size."

and that joke has only once been equaled in the history of comedy or even language, and it happened tonight, on LGF, and I bow my head in reverence.

Posted by: Pinko Punko | September 24, 2005 09:42 AM



And we continue...

Alert

Some smart dude is hanging around Three Bulls! and as usual we have our pants down. Could somebody please subsume something under the rubric of something else, and quickly? Also, start capitalizing crap, etc. Latin is Good, just not the usual collacabo et pedicabo te stuff. Dirty birds.

UPDATE, I screwed up my Latin.

I meant "Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo"

And we continue...

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Beat Seitz at the Musical Quote

We have two quotes today. The goal is to beat Seitz on guessing the bands responsible for the lyrics, or at least having a better guess than Seitz.

Quote 1:
"I saw the worst bands of my generation/applied with magic marker to drywall"

Quote 2"
"It's not the band I hate/it's their fans"

Also, in comments, please suggest bands that fit those descriptions.

Possibly a prize. Please say whether you Googled or not.


And we continue...

In which I emerge briefly from my hidey hole

I know nothing of what Pinko Punko speaks of: my old blogroll is dead -- long live the new blogroll! (Mmmm...pr0n). It's true, though, OJ can be something of a douche, but even after a year of more away from his site, he remains a guilty pleasure. His verbal duel with Rick Perlstein -- Rick motherf***ing Perlstein, bitches! -- which provoked his unhinged comments about witches and Jews, is something to behold, even if it is batshit insane.

I think what I particularly liked about him was the second-hand high of sulfur and brimstone that you get off of him. I mean, for an avowed Christian he is awfully bloodthirsty, and I don't believe I have ever witnessed him turning the other cheek. He has also repeatedly indicated sympathy for Manichaeism, a heresy of the oldest school. I will also note that in an old book review -- of C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters, no less -- he admitted that, although he calls himself a Christian, he was never baptized and doesn't attend church. Perhaps the touch of holy water would burn, or the act of crossing the church threshhold produce spontaneous combustion? I think the first act of OJ's reconstituted Inquisition should be to see if he himself does, in fact, weigh the same as a duck.

And we continue...

Oh This Guy Is Good

Our new BFF, Orrin Judd:

Creationism, Intelligent Design and Darwinism are all just versions of evolution and the fact that all are compatible with it simply demonstrates that we still know nothing of the processes that drive it. That explains your failure and Mayr's admission that your task is impossible. As you note in that quote, rather than even attempt to pretend that Darwinism is scientific, "evolutionary biology" just created its own standards (strange that you think being forced to dump the scientific method helps your case).

Darwinism is a concept in precisely the same way Creationism and I.D. are. Adherents of Darwinism and I.D. do make pretenses to science, but aren't taken seriously. Creationists are generally more honest that their theory is simple faith, but that's merely a function of the recognition that reason is subsidiary to faith, a recognition Rationalists are incapable of

Posted by: oj at September 10, 2005 12:28 PM
That explains everything. Every tiny little thing. Every tiny little thing, except one: why is Orrin Judd such a juvenile, narcissistic chumpwagon? "I want something to be true so I'll just make up a bunch of Crap and Talk about Stuff and That I Do not Want to Understand, Therefore I do not Believe."

How could this guy be on your old blogroll, Booty? How? Uncanny, please don't blow your stack at this douchery.

And we continue...

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Professor Booty is in His Hidey Hole

However, he is more than qualified to toss off some bon mots about Orrin Judd. I draw his attention to this post by digby at Hullabaloo. Please, Booty give us something, anything, to explain the colon-relaxing inanity of this professional chumpmuffin. If anyone else can enlighten us about the good/bad? half of the performing flea-circus de Brothers Judd, please do.

And we continue...

PLEASE GIVE RETARDO SOME LOVE

Funny funny funny. Could somebody PLEASE request Grover Cleveland (twice of course). Do it now, effort should be rewarded, unless it is in the case of Three Bulls!, then lack of effort should be rewarded.

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Declares War on Vox Day


Posted in comments at Vox Popoli:

""Date rape" is nothing but post-sex buyer's remorse. Male victims refer to it as "beer goggles" or "slumming".
VD | 11.25.05 - 10:47 am | #"

Why does Vox hate women so much? I would hate to slur gay men by claiming that Vox is nothing more than an overcompensating gay man, and I wouldn't ever use that as an insult. In this case, he would be insulted but it is merely Three Bulls! searching for an explanation of clearly pathological behavior. Can somebody please tell us wtb is going on with this guy?

UPDATE
Is it an apologia for an uncontrolable libido? Do these dudes think that they can't control themselves, and that their natural feelings are being criminalized? Huh, these are the same cobwads that gay-bash and blame fat people for being fat. But when it comes to their little stiffies, well how could they be held responsible for their urges? They are only natural, right? Cobaggery of an incomparable level.

Jamie R., how could you?

And we continue...

Friday Pooper Shooter

MUSIC!!!!!!!!! Courtesy of WOXY....Take it AWAY

1. Step On-Happy Mondays
“You’re twistin’ my melon, man.” ‘nuff said. Pills, Thrills, and Bellyaches unleashed that tinkly piano “club remix” style on the world, but in this case Shaun Ryder is doing his thoroughly debauched, toothless, leering Joe Strummer wheeze on it, and somehow it’s totally sexy. 10/10

2. Watching the Sun Come Up-Ed Harcourt
Kind of in between his register a la Chris Martin (Coldplay), but in a much more muscular way, but not as histrionic like the Muse guy, over a David Bowie “Heroes” type beat, he just doesn’t wring the emotion out of being in between that the Okkervil River guy does. This doesn’t suck, but it’s in between a lot of things and really is none of what I’m comparing it too. Little tiny scraps. 6/10

3. The Police and the Private-The Metric
Interesting organic/electronic backing almost like a much warmer, less stupid Postal Service, but a sing-talky female vocal that I don’t quite get. But an interesting, hypnotic musical outro. 6/10

4. Bottle Rocket-The Go! Team
We already love this song at Three Bulls! In fact it is the Yosef theme song. I dare you to deny the 70s cheesewad power of this horn-fest. He demurs about it, because he finds the harmonica or some such to be wanting. You know he’s kicking with his play Pepsi Challenge booth in his room, daring America to take the Pepsi Challenge. This version of the challenge is more challenging because Yo is wearing tighties and rocking some maracas and a big fruit hat. 10/10

5. …A Velvet Sun-Swell
From the very beginning it sounds like it’s going to be an instrumental. Don’t you get a feeling sometime with songs? In this case I was wrong, but the monotony is similar. Let’s see if it builds. It seems like it might be…maybe not, but it must have some subliminal something going on because I’m not hating it like I feel like I should. Piano breLinkakdown. Would be nice for a CSI doing some sciencey interlude. And that’s not a rip. They’re getting predictable. 6.5/10

6. K-O –Shesus
Ugh. Not for me. Please make it stop. 0/10 I’m going to subsititute Sinead O’Connor w/Karen Finley "Jump in the River (Extended mix)" for that certain grating je ne sais quoi, but something about Karen’s rant is absolutely fascinating, and "Jump in the River" is an awesome tune. I need to dig the vinyl out, but you can read Ms. Finley's piece here. 8/10

7. Pedestal-Portishead
I love Portishead, but this one feels by the numbers, especially the scratching. From their first, Dummy. Arch, trippy 40s sounding slithering through a hip-hop beat, with some intermittent pumping menacing bass underneath the tinny snare and trebly horns. 6/10

8. Suffer Well-Depeche Mode
First 10 seconds are crap, then it picks up, gets a little menacing, which is where they should be, feet firmly on the dance floor a la “It’s No Good”. You really could mix this into "Behind the Wheel/Route 66" on Depeche Mode 101 Revisited. From Playing the Angel. Probably would be better live filtered through the bouncing, aging Gothies and Eurotrash. 6/10

9. Such Great Heights-Iron and Wine
I really can’t stand the Postal Service, so this great take on one of their numbers from hushed neo-Americana genius Sam Beam doesn’t quite escape the worst of Death Cab for Cutie/Postal Service vocalist Ben Gibbard’s bad side. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes I think DCFC can be pretty good, just not in league with DNTEL (Postal Service). 6.9/10

10. Long Arm-The Red Thread
Innocuous. Does not stand out far enough for me to be able to describe it to you. Not bad. 5/10

BONUS in honor of Bobby Lightfoot

11. Making Plans for Nigel-XTC
Not my fave XTC, but you kids might know it because Primus covered it. And since if Bobby knew me, which I’m sure he could guess, he knows I’m more a “Towers of London”/”Senses Working Overtime” kind of guy. “Making Plans…” kind of sounds like a Police song. What?? It totally does! 6/10


And we continue...

Friday, November 25, 2005

PupH: Accepting Apologies Here All Day

Adorable girlfriend accuses PupH of a lie. Instead it is she that has committed such a sin. PupH awaits your most humble apology.

And we continue...

How Is It Legal

To have advertised limited quantity specials like at Douche Mart? At what point does it become bait-and-switch? Also, to be anti-Walmart is not to be anti-capitalism, it is to be anti-valueless, shapeless, monstrosities of evil. Period. There is no possible discussion. Oh look, we have open comments here, so you can actually say what you want is response to that, as opposed to...

And we continue...

Waking Up From the Tryptophan Coma

At least for long enough to commence on Everyone's Favorite Media Mogul-watch:
Day 3: -Sajak Games has been announced. (Probably happened way before now but the watch just started)
-Evidently Sajak is on some TeeVee show wherein people guess phrase based on a few letters that may be up. I believe this show is called Hangman.
- Still no new blog posts. When will the Liberal Arts-eductaed, rich, yuppie, northeast, Jeopardy!-watching, abortion-forcing, tree-hugging, gay-marriage-forcing, elitist liberals quit inhibiting the free speech rights of an American hero like Pat Sajak?!





And we continue...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Three Bulls! Thanksgiving Training Regime

We are gonna stuff ourselves on a lot of food tomorrow during the Festival of Gluttonous Obesity. To get one's FoGO on, one must train. Here is the way we prepared our stomach today. Distance between list items represents their spacing throughout the day.

1) One orange










2) 7 "Mother's" Chocolate Chip Cookies (yuck)


3) One can Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper

4) 1/2 bag "Snyders of Hanover" Hot Buffalo Wing Flavor pretzel bits

5) 3 capers

Three Bulls! shitteth you not.

Also, please see how we are looking forward to Thanksgiving Classics.

And we continue...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

This is a Test of the Sajak-Watch Alert System

THOCWOTI

I don't know if there have been a lot of college weeks, or if the computers don't hook up to the interwebs when filming the specials at beautiful Universal Studios Orlando, but I'm worried. My hero and idol (would be mentor if I had ever learned anything from him) who I refer to as THOCWOTI has not posted for over 4 months! I bet it has something to do with that vile vixen Vanna parading her uncouth scantily-clad-in-a-prom-dress luscious milf body around the soundstage that has somehow caused him to abandon his duties to opening the eyes of the masses to the true evil that is the DUMB-ocratic party and other assorted lefties and liberals. That evil bitch! Probably a bunch of Hollywood producers have shut down his free speech. I hope he goes all ad hominem, et cetera on those useful idiots while attacking (through his eloquently chosen words) their non-sequitur fake-ass liberal elitist bubbles and soon too!

Yes, thycwoti is a Wheel Watcher!

And we continue...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Internet Pranksterism

Since this bloated edifice known as the interweb is full of self-important blowhards, such as Three Bulls! ourselves, we likey to pull a little doorbell ditch/TP action on our deadliest enemies. We call this bad boy the Sadly, No! It involves leaving an open italics tag in especially annoying comment threads. Just our way of saying toodles, caboodles!

And we continue...

Liberal scientific ranting on cloning, stem cells, and life

Inspired by Pinko Punko's latest rant about the impossibilities of having a reasonable argument with those opposed to logic, science, and rationality, I hereby offer my own personal rant based on recent discussions I've had with scientists and lay people about recent advances in stem cell biology.

To begin the rant, let me just say that I'm sick of being called a liberal elitist. I happen to be liberal and I happen to have scientific knowledge in a field that most people are just pure poseurs or parrots. Well guess what: Espousing demonstrable scientific fact as knowledge is not elitism. Performing experiments and analyzing data from the literature is not elitism either. It is a necessary part of the scientific process. If by having a Ph. D. in the biological sciences necessarily defines me as being elitist, and if you are unwilling to engage in conversation with someone you view as being an elitist, just stop now. Don't bother. Most scientists have Ph. D.s and many of us were trained in academia. Good liberals, almost by definition, are not elitist and I don't think scientists should have to put up with these stupid titles, just because other people don't understand our work.

I don't feel like defining all the terms and processes involved here. The basics are as follows: embryonic stem cells are capable of generating all the cells of the embryo proper and we make embryonic stem cells by isolation of the inner cell mass of the blastocyst. We can obtain blastocysts any number of ways, but the ones at stake here are those generated through in vitro fertilization or those created via nuclear transfer, in a cloning experiment. The blastocysts used to make embryonic stem cells are all 'extras'. None of them will ever be implanted into a woman and in the case of cloned blastocysts, none of them have the potential to create a viable neonate. These are embryos that are targetted for destruction, either through thawing (since most are currently stored (at a high cost) in liquid nitrogen) or through epigenetic catastrophe (for cloned blastocysts). The fact of the matter is that we cannot make a viable human embryo through cloning, even if we wanted to. We can make mice, sheep, and dogs through the existing cloning technologies, but not primates. Scientists in South Korea have tried this many hundreds of times with primates. It doesn't work. Their potency for life is zero. However, cloned primates do make wonderful embryonic stem cells, with full potency to generate any somatic tissues.

Next, I think I'm going to define this argument as a 'we' versus 'they'. Who are 'we'? We are scientists and lay people that actually want the science and possible medicinal applications of stem cell technologies to go forward. We believe that it is ethical and moral to either take existing discarded blastocysts, or even create new ones through cloning, and generate ES cells from these blastocysts. Who are 'they'? Collectively, they are opposed to 'us' because they either view this process as a form of murder or the concept of cloning freaks them out because of the remote (and currently unfounded) possibility of using cloning to make cloned human beings.

I think it is appropriate to be confrontational on the issue of 'us' versus 'them'. This is because neither of us offers a middle ground, and there is no point to negotiation of the terms. Science and religion are necessarily incompatible, and arguments founded on one or the other are irreconcilable. I make no apologies for falling on the side of science. I do not believe that I need to be sensitive to theists that demand policy be enacted solely based on religion. Smart theists have a personal belief of god that does not encroach on their ability to think rationally about science. At the same time, as an atheist, I believe in personal freedom of religion, and make no efforts to ban theists from having their beliefs. Scientists seem stuck in the middle of this need to apologize for doing our work without god in the equation. I think we need to move past the apologies and I offer none.

To tackle the first group of 'them', we have the so-called 'pro-lifers' (a noxious and laughable term, given that many of them endorse the death penalty - I prefer to call them anti-abortionists or just plain simple luddites). These people begin by making the assumption that human life begins at the moment of conception, an idea supported by subsets of Christian sects. Thus, to 'them', a blastocyst in vitro is a pure and holy form of life, no different in their eyes, than a similar blastocyst, already implanted in the uterine wall of a healthy woman. Are these equivalent forms of human life? I don't see how it is possible. In culture and left alone, the blastocyst in vitro will continue to divide a number of times and generate various embryonic structures, before eventually atrophying and dying. There is no way to generate a viable neonate outside of a mother. The implanted blastocyst, however, when left to its own devices in a healthy woman, will continue to develop until it eventually forms a differentiated central nervous system capable of sustaining the life of that fetus, and it should be born healthy and viable. Why is it a problem destroying the blastocyst in vitro then? They would argue that the blastocyst, if transplanted into a healthy woman, is capable of generating life. So, if manipulated, the blastocyst in vitro CAN generate a healthy neonate, but only if intervened. The cloned blastocyst is a different case, however. It retains no potency for life in vitro, or when intervened.

As a side note, it is useful, especially in the context of defining abortion laws, to define the point at which an embryo gains certain rights of autonomy or when we transition from cellular life to organismic life. One could argue that this can be medically defined by the point at which the embryo, when removed from the mother, and with the best state-of-the-art medical care, can survive to adulthood. By this definition, the onset of autonomy varies with medicine and is not static. One hundred years ago, it was probably 7 or 8 months. Now, it may be half that time. Clearly, an embryo removed from the mother at the blastocyst stage will die, irrespective of the state of medicine. I prefer those that attempt to define the beginning of 'life'
using the same criteria that we define the end of life - that is with the EEG, a recording of electrical signals from the brain. A human without an EEG is destined for death, first of the organism, and then eventually, all the cells within. At the same time, an embryo without an EEG is incapable of self-sustaining life. The EEG is still arbitrary. Personally, I think the CNS and especially the hindbrain, needs to be further developed before autonomous life is possible. But why split hairs? What is incontrovertible to me, and the key point of this discussion, is that a cultured blastocyst should not have intrinsic rights. It is not a human being and destroying it is not murder. There is nothing magical or holy about a blastocyst. We can create them and destroy them at will, and we need the legal rights to do so without hindrance and without reservation.

I routinely hear the argument that this position is too black-and-white, that the blastocyst is more complex than I make it out be. This drives me insane. How is a blastocyst complicated? We can isolate any cell from it, and define its precise potency. We can grow them in vitro and we can generate them even by tissue recombination. We understand many of the genes required for these functions and can and have tested the requirements of these genes. If there's a soul inside a blastocyst, I haven't seen it isolated, not have I seen that it is necessary or sufficient for the development of that blastocyst. Like the description goes, a blastocyst is a big ball of cells and nothing more.

Unfortunately for us, they currently are in control of the politics and legislation surrounding the use of our science. This means that until the American public extracts their collective heads from their bowels, we are stuck in a position of conciliation. OK, how do we work with them on advancing stem cell technologies. Their main objection is that life (as THEY define it) is destroyed in order to create stem cells. What if WE found a way to make human ES cells without destroying life? Would that be OK with THEM?????? Two recent papers have suggested ways to do this that will force them to re-evaluate their objections to stem cell cloning and I think both are worth discussing here.

The first approach is to use altered nuclear transfer to generate ES cells. The idea is that IF we could use nuclear transfer to generate a blastocyst without potential to generate extraembryonic tissues (and hence one that could never implant in a female), THEN that blastocyst has no potency for life and THEREFORE destroying it would not be akin to murder. Let's put aside for now the very important fact that cloned blastocysts already have no potential for life. THEY refuse to believe our science on this. Well, no problem. The Jaenisch lab (who to their credit have strongly come out against the need for altered nuclear transfer to begin with) has accomplished this in mice. Their strategy is simple, elegant, and immediately applicable to humans. Basically, clone a blastocyst from a cell that is infected with a conditionally active small interfering RNA directed against a transcription factor, Cdx2, which is required for generations of the trophectoderm. Such cloned blastocysts are fully capable of generating ES cells from their inner cell mass, but when transplanted into pseudo-pregnant females, do not implant and shortly die. The beauty of the conditional approach is that even though Cdx2-deficient ES cells are pluripotent and behave like normal ES cells, they still don't form a proper intestine. No problem: in the ES cells, just remove the small interfering RNA via site-specific recombination, and you create an ES cell indistinguishable from a healthy non-manipulated ES cell. Problem solved!

Are we ever going to use altered nuclear transfer? Probably not. For one, the public is still repulsed by nuclear transfer. It's a case of ignorance, superstition, and hypothetical cataclysm. Secondly, the public is not going to support genetic manipulations of such cloned cells, either using a retrovirus (an HIV based lentivirus for the study in question) or using homologous recombination. We'd have to suffer through the whole superbaby sh*t. Even though it offers the possibility of accurate gene therapy and a cure for hundreds of diseases, I don't see this happening, and I don't think it's time for this war yet. Interestingly, this will be why people object to altered nuclear transfer. Additionally, because the Cdx2 gene is only conditionally inactivated, hard-core member of 'them' will oppose the technology because the potential for life would be there if: i) you re-activate Cdx2 expression, ii) you implant the cloned blastocyst into a female, and iii) you somehow learn enough about epigenetic catastrophe to rescue the viability of cloned embryos. Thus, they will still equate it to murder. Well, I would argue that by those definitions, sneezing is also murder, since it leads to the death of mucosal epithelial cells that could generate a viable new human if we only cloned it, transferred it into a female, and solved the mysteries of epigenetic catastrophe. They lose on that argument, because the potency of any cell can be fully realized by cloning, therefore either all cellular death is murder, or none of it is.

Here's where it gets even better for us. Their current unifying opposition is based on the destruction of the blastocyst to create ES cells. Well, what if we could generate those same ES cell lines without actually destroying the blastocyst? How could that possibly be considered murder? It's brilliant! The Lanza group has developed a technique to isolate single blastomeres from the inner cell mass of a blastocyst and create ES cell lines, without compromising the ability of that blastocyst to generate a viable neonate after implantation. It uses a biopsy method that is already widely used in IVF clinics, and is immediately applicable to humans. Here's what's even more beautiful about the technique: Anytime IVF is performed, you can create genetically identical ES cell lines from that blastocyst without the need for cloning via nuclear transfer. It is, at its basics, an organic form of cloning, much like twinning is just nature doing a cloning experiment, but because you are just isolating a cell from the inner mass, it can't generate trophectodermal cells and could never be implanted into a female, and thus has no potency for organismic life.

Does this mean that we can now go about making new human ES cell lines from discarded and cloned blastocysts? Hell no! Members of the President's Council of Bioethics have already refused to view a compromised blastocyst as a non-human life. They are devoutly opposed to any cloning experiments and are seeking efforts to criminalize current scientific pursuits. I consider it quite sad that the field of bioethics has been breached, compromised, and corrupted by neoconservatives. The true scientific leaders in both the bench science, and in analysis of science have been silenced and rendered impotent by the current administration, and the United States is flailing in the world stage in advancement of human stem cell technology. I await the official opposition to the above technique. It'll be a good laugh.

What I really love about these advancements is that we are going to reduce them down to their basic argument of god versus science. Their objections are no longer valid. We are happy to institute bans on reproductive cloning and are happy to develop new techniques that prevent the incapacitation of the blastocyst during ES cell isolation, unnecessary as it may be. We are happy to experimentally validate our ideas, while they hide and cower in their churches. They know that they are fighting a losing battle and have already dug their trenches while they await certain destruction. Sadly, their little squabble is going to cost in human life and in scientific advancement. But I'm confident that in the end, we will get our way and it will be good. After all, the purposes of therapeutic cloning and stem cell therapies is in the advancement of science and medicine. Yes, we may in the process also redefine what life is and when it begins, reaffirming abortion and reproductive rights, but the best part is that it will become a part of science and not philosophy or religion.

I'm sure someone really smart and literate like Pharyngula has already blogged about this to death, and I know that someone really smart and literate like Scott Gilbert is writing a whole book about bioethics, from the standpoint of real science. And I know that I will offend and mortify people with the above espousing. But it's my rant, and I feel better for having said it.

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Bonus Fatwa

The term "useful idiot." Listen up, pathetic wannabe Machievellian chunderclumps, this term has been declared played out. Move along, internet lemmings. Only in your black and white decrepit world do you have to find a way to heap insults on someone you actually agree with, but normally don't.

I AM CONSERVO DOUCHE 3000. I CANNOT COMPREHEND AGREEING WITH YOU *BEEP* THEREFORE IF I DO, I WILL DETERMINE THAT YOU ARE MERELY AN IDIOT WHOSE SPITTLE-FLECKED COUNTENANCE I CAN ABIDE RARELY, AS IF YOU WERE AKIN TO THE METAPHORICAL BROKEN CLOCK> *BOOP* RIGHT TWICE A DAY. YOU ARE INTELLECTUALLY MY PLAYTHING. I LIKE TO CUDDLE WITH YOU AND NUZZLE YOUR PATHETIC POINTY HEAD. THAT IS ALL FROM YOUR MECHANICAL OVERLORD. ANY RESPONSE IS AD HOMINEM.

THIS RAZOR BLADE SUPPOSITORY IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, USELESS IDIOT BUTTERS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And we continue...

Monday, November 21, 2005

PS. I'm sorry I insulted you, internet world

Let's all go for carnitas tacos at the truck and try to be friends.

Unless you don't vaccinate your children. Then I have a problem, but love the sinner hate the sin!

And we continue...

Dear Internet Full of Cobags

I am declaring the internet and all its cobag denizens personae non gratae. The time to eat it cobags is nigh.

Nothing in the following post is a non sequitur. I blame you for the inability to follow my line of thought (hey, it's the blogosphere, we don't have rules, people like this are considered intellectual. And Pamela (Atlas Shrugs), I don't care what you look like on the outside, you're not very nice on the inside. But the inside inside you are probably OK, it's just a facade of hateful shrillness. We don't want to make you feel bad (seriously, we don't).

I have had it with:

Complete imbeciles that deny the holocaust.

Total poltroons that know less than nothing about science, evolution, disease, AIDS, climate, you know, anything, and they pontificate and use terms that they read on the internet, and their sociopathic little brains learn to ape or rat, as it were, like vermin in a cheese (should it be cheeto?)-maze.

Stupid, incompetent crap like "ad hominem" and talking about people's reading comprehension. Cookie Jesus, do you think my reading comprehension is lacking? Do you? Do you think that I am the munchwagon and not you? Consider for one second how laughable that is. You are the same people that talk about "beneath contempt" out of one side of your crooked, slavering mouth, while pouring the aforementioned contempt out of the other. I actually admit that you are not beneath contempt. I actually claim that you deserve scorn. I actually announce to you that I am being emotional right now, and my frustration is getting the better of me. I am allowing you, the douchewad, to claim that I am unhinged because of the abuse torrent flowing from my keyboard. I AM JUST BEING HONEST. So, I get points for style.

I can't even go on (oh, but I can). Nobody wants to even consider a rational debate, because you can't be rational about completely ridiculous bullshit, in fact how can you be rational, when the debate shouldn't even exist? When I say that Todd Zywicki at Volokh Conspiracy (if you want to have a crappy blog name, you can't beat Three Bulls!, but Volokh Cospiracy? STFU) is a cobag full of corn and peanuts, I'll just get slammed for slamming him. I'll ruin my rep as an Ivy League Ph.D. in Genetics, because he'll just wash away my accurate description of his loserhood, with the magic of ad hominem and then he'll unwrap his chestnut of Lysenkoism. See, he redefined what that word actually means (let's go to Crooked Timber for comments/backstory, and here is LGM on the subject). Also, from a bunch of stool samples that are "skeptical" about evolution, they sure do love evolutionary psychology.

Could it be that it allows you to use biology for your own purposes? Who is the biological ideologue? I can't even call you a Lysenkoist like you would me (nice surreptitious smear of the academic as Stalinist, too bad the new thing is Liberalism=Fascism, see here, here), because that is not what it means. LYSENKOISM means a subscriber to the pseudo-scientific ideas of Trofim Lysenko. Wikipedia allows for a definition to include ideological views of science and uses the example of Carl Sagan comparing creationists to Lysenkoists. I would like to stress the use of the GDMF word "compare". I would reject allowing this broader definition to be used to call ideologues Lysenkoists, because then the word loses it's meaning. See, Todd, we already have a word for that, it's called IDEOLOGUE. Fine, argue that women aren't as smart as men or can't do math. Your ideas are entirely unsupported. Yeah it could be possible, but big f***ing deal, lot's of things are possible, but completely unsupported by the data, that's why Larry Summers was completely and deservedly piled on. Nobody was stifling his speech, they were deriding its unscientific basis. I could propose a hypothesis for how millions of things happen in your tiny cells and your tiny brain, in fact things that you've probably never heard of, but guess the eff what? That doesn't make them true, and if they are completely unsupported speculation, they don't have place in a discussion of how those millions of things happen (millions of things that you will never understand). Just like Summers' comments really had no supportable place in a discussion about women in math and physics. If they are impossible to address given a laundry list of larger variables, please tell me what your stupid point is in defending his comments, given that he is the President of Harvard (should be more diplomatic) and uneducated on the subject upon which he was literally shitting?

Seriously, pseudo-legal, ad hoc, tu quoque, and the whole list of Latin terms for pseudo-intellectual chundermuff and "just so" cobaggery about any ol' topic, with just enough reasonableness so they can stick the shiv in when you relax and turn your back. If you hate gays (Eugene V.) just effing say it, don't be STAGMC about it making us some stupid, inane argument.

I have completely had it. COMPLETELY.

Dean Esmay? I support your right to your stupid opinion. That's what makes me a liberal. You don't support my right for my correct opinion. That makes you a cobag.

I can't wait to be disavowed for my lack of politesse. I'm done.

And we continue...

Best Blogspot Blog Ever

Better than the crappy, unfunny, obsolete OSM Media™ blog, we have this.

And we continue...

On Jedmunds

Jedmunds is right wrong about doing strikethrough on blogger, and now we have to execute ourself for making this lame joke. LOL. Oh we hate that bullsh*t too. We hate blogs and we hate ourself. But we love boobies.And Dean Esmay takes the entire Boobie cake. Here's Orac on his AIDS denial claptrap. Three Bulls! does not accept Holocaust or AIDS deniers. We consider them to manifest a virulent psychopathology. And we kindly would like them to EAT IT COBAGS1!1!!

And we continue...

Test: Almond Joy Degrades My Nuts







Phony GOP Iraq Withdrawal Bill

My advice to the Democrats: 1) enter into the floor debate and offer amendments that support Muthra's true intent - immediately beginning withdrawal (not immediate withdrawal); 2) when the amendments fail abstain from voting; 3) accuse the Republic party of playing politics with our troops lives; and 4) run against the Republic party stooges by saying they voted against withdrawing our troops from Iraq.


UPDATE: Woops! Ha! Ha! I thought this was Daily Kos for a second. Nevermind!

UPDATE 2: Edited to add picture of Almond Joy and Boobie! Hey what's that logo in the background of the Almond Joy picture? WTH?!?! OSM is EVERYWHERE!!!!

EXTREMELY RARE UPDATE 3: Edited to add picture of Jim Thome. Wowsers!


And we continue...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Three Bulls! issues fatwa

Against strike-through font jokes. They are so over. Writing in italics, however, for emphasis is completely professional and we endorse it. Even if it makes you sound like a four-year old talking to a three-year old. Also, we don't know how to do strike-through.

And we continue...

Let Us Contemplate OSM Media™

and the more appropriate image. Many would suggest:

We would suggest clowns in tiny cars:
(apologies to the Shriners and their many charitable works)

And we continue...

Friday, November 18, 2005

Jonah Goldberg Music Video Storyboard Part II

Since you guys LOVE this series, I'm gonna pull a Dennis the Pez and keep on rolling.

Song: "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Want to Rock)"-AC/DC

Jonah Goldberg: Ok Ok Ok Ok Ok Ok, picture this- I'm rolling down the highway- say the 405, I'm rolling in my pimp wagon. There are some monkeys in the backseat. The back seat is loaded with LA Times. Cue the music. Series of shots, establishing LA as the locale- Hollywood sign, the Strip, the Whiskey a Go Go, Pink's, that place with the Beef. Other places, shots of me eatin' awesome stuff as we roll by those food places (that goes on the vid budget, right?). Anyway, as we roll by famous libs, Babs Streisand, Michael Moore, Dabney Coleman, Fonda, etc.

The monkeys throw LA Times ed pages at them and you can see my column as the paper flies through the air slo-mo and hits them. When it hits them, they turn into hot ZZ Top style video babes-

and they join me in my pimp-wagon which morphs into a super huge stretch Hummer with a hot tub in the back.

I'm totally mowing this huge French Dip and these babes are loving me and they have T-shirts that say "Michael Moore is fat" and then the bagpipes come in and Bon Scott is just totally selling it. And then we can throw a funny bit at the end with the Chazmo lookalike dude and Roger L. Simon (total Cali boys) typing on this like old 386 pc that is smoking and my column crushes them on their blogs because I'm MSM now not OSM and they are wearing bathrobes and Chaz looks all spacey
and the hot babe that looks like Maren Jensen blows him a kiss and his head explodes. Cut it, print it, awesome.

Spike Jonze: *click*

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Hates Ourself

We ask you, Cookie Jesus, why you did not allow us to think of this first? Looks like the OSM Media race just got more complex, and more confusing. We are certainly envious of these bound to be rich and famous bloggers. Let's hope they don't forget their first link on their way to the top.

And we continue...

Christopher Lydon

Take it to 'em!

We firmly support the rights of Open Source to rake OSM™ Media over the coals.

And we continue...

I Was Pondering the Missing Ingredient at OSM Media™

And it's Charles Bird. Obsidian Wings' resident cobag (and we already have told you how much we love hilzoy), he's a thinking man's John Hinderaker, if such a thing could be possible. An equally repugnant mouthpiece of douchery wrapped up in just enough scruples to suggest "less crazy" than the Power Line munchwagons. Of course, we're lowering the discourse with our ad hominem. Another word for it is "the truth hurts." Please sign up for OSM! Make it all it can be!

And we continue...

Tell Me About Yours

Every city has them, your various weirdoes and freaks that make the urban experience what it is. Tucson has more than its fair share, probably due to the extreme summer heat – it makes you crazy.

There are times of the year when it seems that every corner is populated by your everyday corner Merlins with their long robes, hair and beards and their wizard staffs. This look has been become so common that I have a hard time keeping them all straight. But Tree (with his enormous height approaching 7 feet) and GrandPa Woodstock with his knack for publicity do stand out.

Then there’s the whole series of men, wearing as little as possible, that roam the streets making us cringe at the site of their leathery skin. Speedo Man, famous for obsessively riding his bicycle wearing just a Speedo in the height of summer in the noontime sun, died of skin cancer. And Jain Man, wearing his dhoti, and sweeping the street in front of him while wearing a surgical mask lest he harm or inhale any bugs, has disappeared.

There are the more ominous characters, such as Yeshua 666 Israel, leading his family of three children and wife, chained together at the ankles, throughout the parks and open spaces. He is famous for his rambling and incoherent sermons and also for the spectacle of his bound family flipping him off behind his back while he babbled on. The “666” tattooed on his forehead was a nice touch too.

Pennyman, in his penny suit, was always a local favorite. Rumor has it that he believed that the suit helped convey the cosmic energy to his body. There was also a story that he had buried a spare suit on the university campus, which inspired more than one treasure hunt. He was smart enough to not wear his suit during our fierce electrical storms. I could never quite tell with Pennyman if it was shtick or psychosis. My theory is that it started as an act and ended as an obsession.

Except for GrandPa Woodstock all of these characters are gone - to where I don’t know. Tree is felled and Speedo Man is dead. The rest have disappeared. Is it wrong to celebrate their strangeness and mourn their disappearance? To be sure a new crop is growing but they still need a few more years in the sun.

And we continue...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Keep clutching that pearl necklace, Chazmo.

Watch it, teh. We remain a family site. I merely wanted to alert you to the bitterness predicted over the OSM sitch. They done jumped over denial. Details all over the webs on that . Here's what I'm in a tizzy about. Althouse snarks, Chazmo barks! Seriously Chaz, that ain't the epitome of tastelessness. This is. (psst, teh, quick throw up a picture of Divine from Pink Flamigoes!-directed by Dan Quayle!)

And we continue...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Kit Kat Extra Crispy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How f***ing stupid does Hershey's think we are? After shoving a chocolate rod of crap into my mouth (ohhh, Big Kat! We hardly knew ya! Don't let the Take5 kick your *ss on the way out). We issued a fatwa there and we're gonna issue a fatwa here as well. 17% decrease in suck does not appeal to me. Please see Wikipedia for the nefarious multi-tiered scam that is Kit Kat marketing. Normal Kit Kat, you remain delightful.

It would be so awesome if this Three Bulls! post were frontpaged at OSM. (no not really Sadly, No!, the real OSM Media™- oh crap my link finger didn't work, I didn't want to link you guys to OSM, because I don't want you to feel like you were in a time machine to 2001 internet design that still can crash Mozilla- nice job Chazmo!).

Hey kids, what Three Bulls! post would you most like huffin and puffin' in Chazmo's grill. Where have we lowered the bar exceptionally low? Feel free to comment, even if you usually don't and tell us how much we suck. Also, waffles.

And we continue...

Open. Source. Media.

Hi Kidz. Could somebody please explain why when I click on the words "Open Source Media" it just takes me to a bog called Sadly, No!? Also, what would happen if I searched Google for those words, is it possible that somebody in the future would have google-bombed that? Also, why in the future will everybody that comments here start posting about Open. Source. Media. and link to Sadly, No! and generally muddle the waters about what Open. Source. Media. is/are/was? Explain these mysteries.

And we continue...

Special Edition: Lou Dobbs Tonight

In tonight's show we ask our guests why I'm such a xenophobic immigrant hating cobag.

Oh, and we'll also be talking about pork bellies, inflation and Ben Bernanke because this is ostensibly a show about the economy but really all our problems would solved if we could just keep the Mexicans out. They commit crimes you know! Not like Americans at all! We are pure and crime free! They also take our jobs but I really can't explain how or why.

And we continue...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Not That I Want to Hear All the PETA Stories

...about horrible mistreatment of food animals, but this Boston Globe story was aimed at piercing my pork-loving heart. It's like Watership Down II. Why didn't they describe the pig's ghost frolicking in some heavenly field as it's body was rendered for sausage? Ugh. Salad time for me, until I forget about the poor piggly lass. Cobags.

And we continue...

Scene: Des Moines, Iowa Late 90s

Cast: Gregor - a young, studly, earnest and naïve engineer (civil-environmental-sanitary OK I mostly designed systems to treat sewage). Toothless Assistant - a local boy that at the age of 25 had managed to loose most of his teeth – not through anything cool like fighting mind you but rather through poor hygiene - actually a really cool guy.

Plot: Wastewater sampling from sewer manholes throughout the City. The manhole of interest to this story was located immediately downstream from a hog slaughterhouse.

Gregor: “Hey Toothless Assistant what’s in all those semis?”
TA: “That’s hogs!”
Gregor: “Oh…”
-hours later-
Gregor: “Hey Toothless Assistant why’s the water in this manhole so hot and why does it smell like Navy Bean soup?”
TA: “That’s the waste flow from the hog rendering!”
Gregor: “Oh…”
-hours later-
Gregor: “Hey Toothless Assistant do pigs always make so much noise? Why are they squealing like that?”
TA: “That’s because they are going to be keeled and they know it!”
Gregor: “Oh…”

And we continue...

Monday, November 14, 2005

J'accuse, Gavin M., j'accuse.

I always wanted to title a post that. On an unrelated noteski, surfing the webaroni, I found this:


Click image for larger, legible image.

Oh, and what's up with this:
WHY does Amazon hate Jonah G.? Jimminy Carter, Oprah, and DKG? If Lucianne caught him with those, his chapped, red load wouldn't be able to tolerate any pants.

And we continue...

In The Navy, Where You Can Find Pleasure

So I’m cruising the depths of MJ’’s website when I stumble upon this article written by Felicia (Fee) Benamon. It’s a particularly earnest and naïve article arguing for military recruiter access to high school campuses. Surprisingly for a PeePo writer it’s pretty light on the attacks on liberals and leftists. But that won't stop me from getting a little Sadly, No! on your ass because the article pretty much mocks itself with gems like this:

“Let's not forget the amazing story of Pat Tillman, the NFL player who selflessly gave up his career in the NFL to join the Army Rangers in the War on Terror.

Ever heard of beauty queens who join the military? It happens!”

But what struck me the most about the article was this picture above the lede (ohh blog word!) on the main page.
When you look at this picture are you thinking the same thing that I am?

And we continue...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Uhh, Even When Unfunny People Lose Their Minds And Attack People You Hate

...they remain unfunny. Obviously, most of you have been following the Pajamas Media AWESOMENESS. Wherein a bunch of guys who would normally have mail-order MBAs at a minimum if they hadn't accidently found some sort of alternate success in life, even if it only be random internet success like our pal Chazmo (LGF) and Insty (Instapundit), perpetrate a train wreck of epic proportions. As you have been schooled at your 3 hour leadership seminar at The Poor Man Institute about the goings on of Dennis the Peasant. Mr. "I thought it was a great idea when I was involved" goes all sourpuss when he gets the chemical light up the muppet hole to beat it from PJs media. The situation is of course hilarious, as he is a thorn in the side of Chazmo and R. L. Simon.

What is even more shocking is how unfunny his material actually is. Check out his "Lingerie Media" series, where he invents a fake alternate equally train-wreck like company for assorted liberals. It's as if he is imagining how he might place his lowly mental image of certain lefties he must hate into the reality of righties he must hate, if not for their ideas but for their actions.

Here's Kevin Drum:
Kevin Drum runs the justly famous and popular Political Animal blog out of his home in Orange County, California.

Kevin Drum – Howdy. I’m Kevin.

Howdy.

I’m Kevin.

You should read what I write. That’s because I write about stuff that you have to be real smart to know about. Real smart.

I’m Kevin.

Things like Social Security. You have to be real smart to write about Social Security. That’s because it has a lot of stuff in it. Lots of real hard stuff. Stuff like actuarial science, governmental accounting, finance and fiscal policy.

I’m Kevin.

And I learned all that stuff. Not at school, though. I learned journalism in school. I learned actuarial science, governmental accounting, finance and fiscal policy from Matt Yglesias over the phone. Matt learned it studying philosophy at Harvard. The parts he didn’t know I learned from Josh Marshall. He learned it getting a Ph.D. in history.

I’m Kevin.

I would have learned it from Brad DeLong, but he was always eating donuts so I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Anyway, you should come to my site and get smart. Like me. And if your head starts hurting, send me an email and I’ll just put up photos of my cat.

Bye now.

I’m Kevin.
I didn't think satire could be as astute or sophisticated as that, until....

MADONNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS A BLOGGER! I TOTALLY WISHED I HAD BEEN SQUATTING ON IamMadonna.blogspot.com.!!!
Madonna runs the justly famous and popular Do As I Say blog out of her home in the South of England.

Madonna – I’m Worried About Your Morals

Now that I’m 40-something, musically passé, and unable to con anyone, not even my husband, that I can act, I think it is appropriate that I do the middle-aged thing by developing a deep concern for the moral fiber of our country and our youth. Now I understand that some of you might have noted that I’ve made a couple of hundred million selling sex over the past two decades, but let me assure you... That was then. This is now.

Then, when faced with a fork in the road career-wise, I did what I had to do; I sold sex. In the ‘80s I was the Teen Slut Next Door, so it didn’t matter that couldn’t sing to save my life and danced like a Clydesdale. And when that stopped working, I published metal books of myself in the alltogether with chapters entitled “I Love My Pussy.” That took me through the ‘90s. But now it is 2005 and I'm willing to face facts: It’s all over. What isn't sagging is bagging. Now the only guys who get a woody from my act wear Jade East cologne and bad toupees. That may keep Cher going, but it doesn’t do anything for me.

So, given my options, I’ve decided to take up religion and the thankless task of worrying about your morals. I can afford to that sort of thing, and do it in the sort of luxury you can't even imagine. So remember: You shouldn’t be fascinated by sex... It’s not good for you. Or your children. And I can say that in all seriousness. I really do want to forgo the pleasures of manufactured, mass-marketed sex. It’s Immoral.

Believe me on this one... I've done the research.

Listen, my head is spinning too, but he's using a fake Pajamas Media paradigm to satirize a bunch of lefties who would never consider such inanity. "What if my fake idea of some real and some fake liberal bloggers were as moronic as real conservative ones?" Maybe this would be awesome for a NEVERENDING SERIES OF CRAP. If he couldn't draw it would be Mallard Fillmore. Take the award, it's yours, probably for the next 80 weeks. You really are a cobag, Dennis.
The Golden Onion Wiener is our mistake. We thought we were ordering Golden Kip Wingers, as a homage to TPMIFFDAAP.

And we continue...

Jonah Goldberg Music Video Storyboard Part I

Song: Superblaster-Curve

UPDATE: Halloooooooo, Poor Man Institute Fellows. This has been our most unsuccessful post yet. We can't get the storyboard right. Just how would Jonah deal with the Draconian menace, and the slutty Princess Ardala? I really feel like only Ben Shapiro would be safe.

Jonah G., wanting to blow some of the green flowing his way from the delightful LA Times, his new editorial home, decides to ring up Spike Jonze with a proposition.

JG: "Spike, if I give you enough money, will you make me look awesome in a video, and can you do one of your ironic retro-aesthetic conceits that all the kids love, you know like Happy Days and Weezer, but with another topic, and I'll let you take some shots at Sofia Coppola if you want?"

SJ: "OK. Who should we get for you? John Goodman? Jackie Gleason? Orson Welles (The Third Man era Orson wouldn't be bad- ed.)?"

JG: "Those guys are all fat, some are dead, but none of them are hacks."

SJ: "Well, do you know any fat, dead hacks we could get? I mean two out of three ain't bad."

JG: "Just cast me, but I don't do stunts. Put me in post-production. Use this body."

SJ: "That's Gil Gerard. You want to do Buck Rogers? What about the weight diff? What about this guy?"

JG: "Uh, funny. I know Gerard is a little squish, but you can slim him post-p, like when you put my head on his bod."

SJ: "OK, what song are you doing?"

JG: "Superblaster by Curve."

SJ: "Uh, that's a chick."

JG: "I know, I'm not gonna sing, it's just background for the crazy sci-fi story. I want you to tell Buck Rogers and Princess Ardala and Wilma Deering from a conservative, thoughtful direction, not a liberal-fascist-shrill-moral preening-unwashed self righteousness torture denouncing one. You know, where Buck defeats Tigerman fair and squares, after discussing with him how they are both two rational people and that two rational people must eventually agree, they then share a manly hug and Tigerman proceeds to stop hating freedom. Buck politely but firmly declines Princess Ardala's slutty advances. She even offers to abort any Draconian-Earthman hybrid from their coupling. Buck says "no way, Jose, I'm living this life right, and Draconians don't celebrate Christmas, it could never work." Buck then saves the day using his immense personal wealth to evacuate most of the Earth to a giant space station made out of imagination and marshmallows and instead of stopping the super gun firing, he just removes all his valuables and enormous household staff, using the tax cuts and subsidies hard won by his Captains of Industry. Then the empty Earth and only some brown people are accidentally incinerated when they don't evacuate their shantytown asteroid like they are told to, but it's their own fault, and then Wilma and Buck get married in a space church. Phish of course guest stars as the awesome space band. The end. Cut it, print it."

SJ: "I'll work from that, but I've got my own vision. I want to go for the fake inner you. The exceptionally muddled, ridiculous, lazy, fatuous, greasy, corrupt version of you. Trust me, those are the in-qualities in Arrow Cross/Iron Guard types of liberals. I'm sure you talk about those in your book. We'll do it wink-wink, so you don't get in trouble and smart, educated people will think it's satire and love it ironicall, even thought the liberal masses will embrace the fake inner you only to have you mock and denounce them after fooling them with your trickery."

JG: "Awesome!!!! Fives!!!!! What were those Crossing Guards you mentioned?"

SJ: "Never mind."

JG: "Whatev! People joke that I like sandwiches. If by sandwiches you mean waffle sandwiches with bacon and sausage and stuff, then it may be true, but that's shrill. I prefer to call them what they are...waffles. Unpopular as that notion may be, I find the sandwich analogy despicable and yet another reason Steven Gilliard's racism excuses my own. Your wrongs make mine right."

SJ: "Uh, OK."

Spike goes back to the studio, feeling like he has freed himself to realize a true artistic vision, one that depicts the most shallow, gobsmackingly bagwagon cobmunch in America...first he must consider the song to be his Muse....

And we continue...

Reading Assignment

An interesting take on blog commenting. I think it is an argument against the Three Bulls!-in-the-china-shop school of thought, which I hope we are not espousing. But wait for the joke.......



Hat tip: Atrios.

Oh dear Cookie Jesus! I just slew myself!!!!!!

And we continue...

Give the Ed's Some Love Peeps!

He's using Me. Ow. Barrachus! I'm completely sure we'll get royalties!!! We're rich beyond our wildest dreams!! Free money for everyone!!!

And we continue...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Hungary Rocks. Even Hungarian Blogs Are Better Than Three Bulls!

At least their English is better than our Hungarian.

Props to pan, over at his place, for taking our intrusion with good cheer! We salute them from Buda to Pest!

And we continue...

Oh, DEAR LORD.

Gregor Samsa was on the case. He found these. And then, somehow, this happened.
Click image for larger, legible size.

Hmm. Anyhoo, if anyone else has experienced these amazing doughy pants, do your civic duty and help out Amazon! Also, remember to shop for Jonah's "Liberal Fascism" at the same time. And, if there are any other Pillsbury products that need to be reviewed, please help out confused consumers.

And we continue...

Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Poopin' and Shootin'

Ten songs heard at the party or in my mind.

1. The Wanton Song- Led Zeppelin
So Bobby Lightfoot was gonna be the Three Bulls! house band for the party night. He was really stopping by to borrow Uncanny's Apple Venus vol. 2 or some such Andy Partridge thingy, but the masses clamored for some music, so traveling in a van full of rockdog accoutrements, Bobby L. decided to drop something from the Zep's secretly funky phase on the assembled cobags. Halfway through laying slabs of unrefined sludge that Page crapped out sleepwalking on junk he was just starting to feel the chunky greatness, really sellin' it to the kids, when AG just started crying out for her fave Zep cover cover, Whitesnake's "Still of the Night". Having just dispatched the pony with Chuckles, she's in no mood to be turned down. Bobby L backs down for the one and only time in his life, realizing this was worse than the Gallaghers and Diller combined. Song ends halfway through. AG pulls a camo iPod nano from God knows where, hooks up to the PA and drops...

2. Still of the Night-Whitesnake
David Coverdale reimagines "Whole Lotta Love" as..."Whole Lotta Love" with a sexually unsatisfiable harpy, forcing Dave to roll out his Whitesnake time and time again, never to be satisfied, and in what seems like the 7th minute of the song he moodily moans about not be able to get away from having unending sex with a beautiful woman. Well, conjuring the other side of Tawny Kitaen, and having spoken with Chuck Finley, we're gonna cut you a little slack. AG then passes out in the onion dip. Poor AG.

3. Head Over Heals-Tears for Fears
fulsome, locked in the guest bedroom bemoans his fate. Unable to slip out, his attempts at killing the party with Death Cab for Cutie and Pictionary are to no avail. The rabble will not be soothed, nay, they clamor for blood. Saddened by his plight, he breaks out his treasure. A duct-taped Sony Sports Walkman with Auto-reverse (natch) and a mix tape from her- you know, the one with slightly mainstream but great taste, she who knew what a B-side was- she knew that fulsome would appreciate this, the third single from Songs from The Big Chair, and appreciate it unironically. See, she knew he thought of the video, placing himself in the role of the shy library patron unable to get up his courage. Little did Fulsome know the librarian was really teh l4m3, but little did fulsome's crush know he secretly thought of the monkey.

4. 100% Electro-Dsico
This reimagining of Sonic Youth's 100%, originally ode to a fallen friend, disguised as distant hipster angst by a Spike Jonze video of skateboarding wipeouts (really, only to piss off Henry Rollins) soundtracks the first fight of the night. Now, it's a robotic come on and threat wrapped in some digital insta-funk. See, MJ' had been promising everyone she'd pray for them, and promisees were calling in their markers. popren decides he's gonna mess up Guinness Guy with an empty keg, but he screws up and grabs a Heineken keg can. It bounces off GG like a harmless little cheerio, and then GG starts going to town on popren's face, leaving him with ridiculous lamb chops. MJ' flees the scene, only to be horrified by the goings on outside....

5. Strict Machine-Goldfrapp
res publica and teh l4m3 are choreographing their S/M fashion show for Texas Public Access Channel 74. They come on between Klan hour and Apologetics for Leviticus "God doesn't really hate oysters, just homos" hour. It's the definition of a tough time slot. Luckily, they always hang with the producers of those other shows down at The Closet. Anyway, teh's smacking res's full moon with a handful of al dente linguini in time to the electro handclaps of this space disco masterpiece. He's also sashaying too close to the edge of the Ketel One hot tub in his chain mail. They'd just got done putting the right amount of cocktail onions in and had turned on the jets for proper mixing. Teh falls in, and not having remembered he'd recently exfoliated with St. Ives Apricot Scrub, his playful grin is replaced by a look of horror as the 151 hot tub stings his microabraded skin. He immediately jumps out but at that very moment Chuckles sparks his Charles Bukowski Zippo for MomH to light up and teh goes up in flames. He flamers through the party, not so much like Princess Ardala, but like a hellbound flaming Valkyrie of vengeance.

6. Renegade-Styx
Chuckles has found Gregor's mothballed karaoke machine and it's not pretty. Pantsless, he prances, and Dennis DeYoung is summoned, a Canadian demon to torment the tormented. His shriveled bits bounce with urgency, decayed by years of denial and unwise overuse of Enzyte. "The jig is up." Indeed, cobags, indeed.

7. Harmony in My Head-The Buzzcocks
Gregor, unable to control the shambles of the evening takes control of the PA, hoping the urgency of this punk rock classic might unleash a wave of nihlistic stupor upon the little Neros, fiddling and diddling as Three Bulls! did burn.

8. Super Bon Bon-Soul Coughing
Mike Doughty's nonsense choreographs a bizarre ritual of feint and retreat that is the courtship of Chuckles and AG. He, now bepanted and with the scent of the chase flaring in his nostrils, she down to her Spongebob B/P set, and circling each other, together they spiral out of control, obliterating any sense of subtelty or sophistication with their calamity of Jovan Musk and baby powder.

9. Time/The End of Time-The Chameleons UK
fulsome, thinking he's done for, cues up this reverb drenched bit of 80s England. Just as the door is incinerated, and Chuckles cape swirles about himself as he strides through the smokey opening, fulsome is snatched from his grasp. Gavin M., having heard the Chameleons from his happenstancedly passing Justice Helicopter, rescues fulsome from the hellbound gathering.

10. Suffer the Children-Tears for Fears
As Yosef's chilluns are forced to clean up what should be a Superfund site the next morning, we hear this warm-hearted yet synth driven offering from The Hurting. Little do they know they will soon be within the clutches of demon rum, as Asshat did not hide the secret stash very well. And we think of them now, and all the children of the world.

Bonus 11!

Weird Science-Oingo Boingo
Our entire cast of crazies led by MJ' does a "Thriller" like line dance through the destroyed street to this relic, Elfman takes us out through the closing credits as our zombie like protagonists dance their mysterious dance, boys and girls alike hoping for a visit from Kelly LeBrock, ca. 1985, to no avail.

And finally, the party buzz kill we all so desperately need:
Consider the seriousness discussed by res and teh (from dKos here) on the children of Iraq, and we dismiss thoughts of the party from our mind.


And we continue...

Something nice and hard for Adorable Girlfriend to suck on.

Let Ralphie show you how, if you're not sure. I realize you may not be familiar with this Jesusmas memoir, but the picture paints a thousand hardcore words.

Wash that filthy, filthy mouth out.

And we continue...

Overheard On The Internets VI

Jonah Goldberg: "OK. Which one of you cobagz is responsible for THIS????"
My money's on Gavin M. Come on? Who did this?? Somebody step forward because we're giving you a Golden Onion Wiener. That's effing AWESOME- Pinko Pinko
(note the "Better Together")
P.S. I'm so glad Jonah G. is getting taken seriously by Amazon. It would be a travesty if he were paired with something lightweight, like the Bible or Rachel Ray or something like that.

And we continue...

Auguste Befuddles Us With Internet Mysteries

He has discovered where your comments go when Haloscan eats them. Start here. What the hell language is that?

UPDATE: Hungarian!!!

And we continue...