Three Bulls! has <a href="http://blog.3bulls.net">moved</a>: September 2005

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

Courtesy of WOXY once again, truly random, truly 10. Plus one.
1. Black Star-Radiohead
“Filler” from the Bends. It shows how far this band has come when a perfectly nice rock, swirly Bends track seems almost passé. 6.7/10

2. Shuffle You Feet-Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
BRMC drop their Jesus and Mary Chain fetish for a 60s strum-folk filtered through Dylan, the La’s and obscure Brit indie like My Drug Hell. I know Seitz is more into this than me for sure. But basically this isn’t that far a step from their previous, except they unplugged basically. I wish they had stayed plugged in. 5/10 for boringness, execution is just fine.

3. This Is the Way-Devendra Banhart
Anthony and the Johnsons and Joanna Newsome and DB constitute this wave of what I would consider chamber folk. It is totally tasteful and really quite good. He doesn’t do it for me, maybe this song isn’t sad enough, or maybe his vibrato isn’t doing it for me. Personally I think it just needs a massively depressing music video and I would be all over it. 7/10

4. The Holiday Song (Treated)-Frank Black
Frank from Frank Black (himself) and also the Pixies of course, with some Memphis? horns. This song actually sounds more prog or weird in away, the horns don’t hit you in that old R/B way, it seems older than that, or weirdly programmed. Interesting. 6/10

5. Curious-Holopaw
Whoa. A crazy voice. In between the Cocteau Twins lady and the Iron and Wine guy. With a scratchy throat. Over some plucky guitar and some strings. Hmmm. Unrated. I need to get used to the voice, which isn’t that weird really, just weird enough.

6. Eskimo-Versus
Chugga chugga indie blah. 4/10

7. At Home He’s a Tourist-Gang of Four
Whether this is new or old, it’s them doing their herky-jerky twang-a-lang. Messers Franz and Ferdinand laugh all the way to the bank, cuz they dressed it up for the VIP lounge and twang-a-langed and added a DUN DUN DUN right into your ex’s (she dumped you) Papasan chair, and you are pissed. 7/10

8. Sorry About Your Irony-El Ten Eleven
Should be a 10 on the title alone. The intro sounds a little Police-y actually, in a “wrapped around…” outro way. Huh. Uh oh, feeling a little weird now, starting to sound instrumental-ly. Like the Vegans of indie these guys seem to be. Sorry about that dudes, you can’t blow a cool title like that on a pleasant, but albeit vocal-less-instrumental. You have 5 seconds to start singing……you lose. 3/10

9. Leaves Do Fall-The Rosebuds
Is this a cover? Like some psychedelic cowboy music. Hmmm. 6/10
10. Instruments of Action-Forget Cassettes
Awesome 20 seconds start, then downhill. I don’t want to listen to the rest. It’s probably OK, but I want something different and better. Ooh, it has so me cool rocking bits at the end. I think these guys might be like a bad Fiery Furnaces. But I really can’t tell because FF is beyond me at this juncture. 4/10

Bonus:

11. I’ll Believe in Anything-Wolf Parade
I forget why these guys are the shit. Some people are in them from somewhere else. This song comes across like an organic Gary Numan. No really. It does, and I like it. 8/10

And we continue...

The Other Face of Evil

This man wants to force RR to eat oatmeal.

Just because Pops got the team from the Judge and the Aliens helped him to live forever doesn't mean he can force feed us oatmeal.

I also hear he's going to post bail for Asshat, Trollypants and Shortssniffer in Mexico. No one is safe!

Three Bulls Health Corner, UPDATE

I couldn't wait, here's the update from RR:

He writes:

I found my 237 cholestorol rating when getting life insurance about 4 weeks ago. A test I took with a real doctor came last week came back and stated the cholestorol was 203. 203 is still worth worrying about but less alarming than 237. The same result of low HDL to LDL cholestorol was maintained, however, the total is significantly different. All possible causes for variance:

1. I fasted on first test (no food midnight-8AM); 2nd test I had only fasted about 5 hours between breakfast and test; that could skew reading but I would think mainly on blood sugar type readings, not cholestorol (comments here from science guy?)
2. 3 weeks time difference - however, I don't think it's possible for cholestorol to drop that much in 3 weeks, esp since I had not yet started lifestyle modification program
3. Dishonesty by life insurance company (I had self-reported cholestorol at 190-200 to get my preliminary quote, they used the higher reading to justify a higher premium)

I will go in for more bloodwork in a week or two with a full fasting type thing like on the first test - assuming the impact of lifestyle modifcation is small (it takes a fair amount of time), we will see whether theory #1 or theory #3 is at play. I hope I get a low reading and theory #3 is shown to be true - partially for my own health, but partially because it may expose a collusive arrangement between Big Life Insurance and Big Oatmeal. They will launch an investigation, and I'll testify before Congress. It will be great.

Three Bulls Health Corner, Episode 2

The Random Randroid updates us on his health situation in his entertaining way.

He writes:

The 237 cholestorol reading was legitimate fasting; however, the suspicious part is that I did it as part of a physical for a life-insurance policy, and they used the high reading to justify the charging of a higher premium than they originally quoted. So they have incentive to inflate the results. I asked to be sent the results of the bloodwork and have yet to receive that, further adding to my suspicion. Still, it sounds too dangerous to fake the reading.

I am going to go to a real doctor and get a real reading as well. Theoretically he also has incentive to exaggerate the readings, but less so than the evil insurance company.

The diet is going ok. I have found that I can eat oatmeal for breakfast provided that I add raspberries to it (raspberries are much higher in fiber than you would think). The diet basically revolves around a low number of calories (1800 per day) and a high amount of fiber (from what I can tell at least 40g per day). It's a little easier to stick to the diet in that high-fiber foods tend to fill you up more than regular foods, so you aren't as hungry.

I probably won't stick strictly to the diet. But if my old eating habits were a 0 and the diet ideal is a 1, I can get myself to 0.6 at least, which probably helps a lot. As for increasing cardio exercise from my current 2-3x30mins per week to 5x30mins per week, that sounds like a lot of work.

Recuerdo de Mexico!@

In which another excerpted missive from one of our trolls is presented without regard to the sensibilities of the gentle reader.

...and then she says to me, “you filthy pig get out of here!” LOL!!!@! Can you believe it?!!!LOL!

Oh and one last thing LIBERALACE, Cpt. Trollypants IM’ed me and said that Pinko Commo was having a bad day! So Sad!! !!1!! So since it was ‘craft day’ here at the Carcel De Los Locos I thought I wo0d make him a present to cheer him up, a little photo montage of Maj. Shortsniffer and his cat!!11!

Oh does the lil’ Candee bar constantly degrade PinkiePunkadero? So Sadly, Yes!!1! Maybe he should have another Cape Cod or Daiquiri to cheer himself up!1! ROFLMAO!...

… ADIOS & EAT IT!!1!

Unsincerely,
F.M. Asshat
(aka Jefe Pinche Cobagerismo Chignon!)

Overheard on the Internets IV

Brad R: Hey Gavin M, pull my finger.

Gavin M: NO WAY, not again.

Brad R: C'mon, it will be funny.

Gavin M: I'm not doing it, cobag.

Brad R: The Editors always does.

Gavin M: No way.

Brad R: Totally way.

Gavin M: Fine. *pulls finger*

Brad R: *poot*

Gavin M: COME ON!!! JEEZ!

Brad R: SUCKAZ! EAT IT COBAGS!

Who the HELL let Trollypants in here?????

Heads are going to roll cobags. Why not just give Iron Fist the friggin' keys to the jacuzzi?

Overheard on the Internets III

fulsome: Hey Pinko, you're so rad!

Pinko Punko: No way, fulsome, you're way radder. Nay, the raddiest!

fulsome: Nah unh. You are. I LOVE your blog, it's way rad.

Pinko Punko: NO WAY. Yours is way better. Chuckles ROCKS!

fulsome: I love Thai food!

Pinko Punko: and terrorists!

fulsome: yeah.

Pinko Punko: Me too.

Overheard on the Internets II

Yosef: I'm outta here. Gotta hit the gym.

GregH: Hey, me too! I love the gym.

Yosef: I'm gonna marry the gym.

GregH: No way.

Yosef: Way.

GregH: Cool.

Yosef: One more thing...

GregH: Yeah?

Yosef: Gymmy gymmy gymmy gym gym. gym. gymmy gym!

GregH: Gym?

Yosef: Word.

Overheard On The Internets I

Iron Fist: I'm the douchiest douche that ever douched, and I totally want to cobag you and have your babies.

Atlas Shrugged: You can only have my babies if you don't tell Chazmo I'm not saving myself for him. I'm hoping he'll notice me when I go on tour with Phish.

Iron Fist: Hey, I hate it when moonbats issue fatwas against candy bars. They are totally aping their terrorist boyfriends and hating America. I am the original big Kat. They can Take Five up their bumholes.

Atlas Shrugged: You're making me hot. You may have my babies.

Iron Fist: Would you be mad if I told you Phish broke up?

Atlas Shrugged: Cobag.

Ed. note: This bizarre conversation is trumped only by reality. Please go to Sadly, No SELECT for more.

Three Bulls! issues fatwa

against the Big Kat.

No, not Andres Galarraga, this:

It's first and foremost offense against Three Bulls! is the fact that it is now occupying (and brutally so) the slot reserved for Take Five in the basement candy machine. The Big Kat occupying force must be destroyed, and the usually preferred method of "break" "me" "off" "a" "piece" "of" "that" "Kit" "Kat" "bar" is ineffective against this monstrosity. It is the greatest of the Great Satans. And it must be vanquished.

Nerdblog Thunderdome

We thought better of our nefarious plot to strand Fulsome of Well-rounded Nerds in the urine-soaked Tenderloin of San Francisco, and retrieved him from the false address we had slipped him for the Thai-food and New Pornographers fest. We had parachuted in with the Three Bulls! mobile from points unknown. We had several goals in mind for the evening. One of them was Thai House Express’ #40. The Uncanny One can vouch for this dish. Basically Thai carnitas. Maybe I’m a little pork obsessed, but I would guarantee Yosef would offer me a duel for the last hunk, and he’s a pork aficionado.

After deciding to spare Fulsome's life, we settled into a pretty good Thai meal at the corner of Geary and Larkin in SF. In addition to Three Bulls! sacrament #40, Tom Yum Goong (shrimp hot and sour soup) was pretty good. Other standouts were a minced duck salad with lime and cilantro (hey, Iron Fist, before you criticise a) try it, b) don't have such a cobaggy handle). The grilled beef salad was pretty good, and the green curry was OK, but should have melted my head off, and my head was distinctly unmelted. Pla Rad Som (Salmon fried with house special sauce and crispy basil was meh). We then proceeded to go to the show- The New Pornographers with Destroyer and Immaculate Machine.

Destroyer was interesting. Destroyer is basically Dan Bejar from the New Pornographers and people he gets to play with him. In this case it was the drummer and bassist from the NPs and another guy on guitar. He didn't play anything from his casiotone last album, much to the chagrin of the crowd. He also doesn't say a word to anyone really. The songs were pretty good, but my feeling was it would have been awesome if they were New Pornographerasized. Show started way early so we missed most of the opener's set. This is the band that Carl Newman's niece plays in (and she plays with NPs now too). Their last song "You're So Cynical" was pretty good.

As for the NPs. Well, they are consumate pros. They are gonna give you a show and Fulsome and I tried to out nerd each other for pogoing and showering the band with love. I saw Fulsome look below Neko's voicebox a couple of times, bashfully of course, contrary to his stated take. She's way too much for anyone with a webpage, but they do right by their fans just the same. Besides a pedal prob of Carl's the sound was great, I didn't have to put my earplugs in, and the sound wasn't muddied or trebly at all. Of all the shows I've been too at Bimbo's they had their sound the most right (I'm looking at you The Walkmen).

All the new songs were awesome, the crowd was well behaved if a little docile, the band probably bantered too much (not that they werenot entertaining, they broke Fulsome’s heart by axing “Jessica Numbers” after aborting starting it a couple of times because of Steve Perry banter.

Set list for the show, Sept. 27 at the Bimbo’s 365 club on Columbus in North Beach.

Song (album)
Twin Cinema (TC)
Use It (TC)
From Blown Speakers (EV)
Mass Romantic (MR)
Judy JACKIE (god, I have Judy Miller ont he BRAIN) Dressed in Cobras (TC)
The Bones of an Idol (TC)*
The Body Says No (MR)
The Bleeding Heart Show (TC)
The Laws Have Changed (EV)
Broken Beads (TC)
Streets of Fire (TC)
The Fake Headlines (MR)
It’s Only Divine Right (EV)
Bones of an Idol (TC)
All for Swinging You Around (EV)
My Slow Descent into Alcoholism (MR)
Sing Me Spanish Techno (TC)
----
Execution Day (MR)
Letter From an Occupant (MR)
Breaking the Law (MR)
---
Miss Teen Wordpower (EV)
Star Bodies (TC)
Electric Version (EV)
Testament to Youth In Verse (EV)

UPDATE Views on the next night's show at Bimbo's here and here. Playa hatin' here.

*Somebody ruined this song by dropping the stankiest ass fart EVER. It did not smell like a Thai food fart, so I absolve our party of wrongdoing. It smelled like evil and death.

This should be basically correct, (Fulsome- do you remember the second encore is as I have it? I put away my VWR marker at that point- there is a possibility of “Broken Beads” and “Star Bodies” being mixed up, but I don't think so). Most requested song not played: “The New Face of Zero and One” (which is a bummer because it's great live)

Most missed out: “Falling Through Your Clothes”, "Stacked Crooked"

Only disappointment: the guitar sound on “The Bones of an Idol” that Prof. Booty loves wasn’t nearly as slide-y and didn’t quite hit it, kind of like Radiohead only hits that awesome guitar part at the end of “The Bends” (“I wanna live, breathe, I wanna be part of the human race…”) 50% of the time.

Obviously the only annoying thing was the lame audience trying to have a rapport with the band. There were a million requests shouted etc. And some girl repeating some Canadian free health care "joke". I admit I yelled out "Testament" when there was one song left and Carl asked "any requests?" but only after someone else did, and what do you know, they played it, so not too shabby. It is a crowd favorite. I wish they would milk it live with the "no no no no no" at the end, but they play the exact same number as on the record, but it was great to hear Bejar sing it. Surprsingly the Bejar numbers almost seemed more popular than the Neko "hits" as Carl calls them. "Jackie Dressed in Cobras" might be song of the year after hearing it live, and "Star Bodies" totally killed.

As for total nerdburger-dom, Fulsome ain't got shit on Pinko Punko, I was undercover as internet cobag, so I sang along (quietly) to all songs and was jumping up and down, trying to unblock my arteries and have a good time.

And we continue...

Thank You Bacon Jesus!*

Where have you been all my life? How I needed thou whenst attacked by the vicious murine insurgent yesterday! If this were scratch and sniff I truly would be dead and in the land of milk and honey rivers. Chip passes the info to us, and we receive it like manna from heaven.

Although I think Gregor should refrain unless he wants PupH to chew his booboo off in his sleep. Also this company is officially the best company ever as they have categories for "bacon/meat" "monkeys" "sushi" "catapults" and EFFING "PIRATES!!!!" and even this!!!
WHAT THE EFF? My fave store ever! (Sorry Tease 'N Keys!)

*Bacon Jesus is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cookie Jesus. We also take a moment to thank Cookie Jesus for the Take Five bar.

Three Bulls Health Corner, Episode 1

The Random Randroid has a hard time with the internets, although he actually owns an internet company. Let's just file this under the category of Cornelius Vanerbilt possibly not knowing how a train works. Anyhoo, the RR is undertaking a lifestyle change that appears might be relevant for the Three Bulls! demographic, based on our market research.

The RR writes to us:

And we continue...

Special Guest Post by PupH

I’m so hungry. All I dream about all day long is food but Samsa never feeds me. I’m left searching the interwebs looking for pictures of food but never have I seen a picture so scrumpsdelidelicious as this:

And we continue...

Delay Indicted!!!

Oh my golly! Someone please arrange a care package filled with PB slices and Pringles Prints! He will be hard pressed to spread PBandJ with a plastic knife and he will need Prof. P to help him work out in the yard!

The Most Important News Item EVER

3B! loves food.

And we continue...

When you're smilin', the whole world smiles with you

Hey, Pinko, cheer up and go look at this

Brad and Gavin wouldn't know what to do with that site.

Greetings from Mexico!!!@!1!

Wherein true cobaggery is defined.

I received this thoughtful e-mail from F.M. Asshat, still trapped and still syphilis-addled somewhere in Mexico. Most of the message and the attached pictures are just too filthy to share but here’s a little snippet:

…This is a picture of the courtyard of the hotel were I’m staying!! It’s called El Cárcel de Locos witch sounds very romantic but let me tell you this place is el dumpo LOL!1! I only want to show it to you because the Enfermeras tell me that the graffiti is very pro BUSH!!1!! If even the Spainish love Dear Leader its’ disgusting that you LIBRUL NANCY BOYZ are so disrespectful!!!!!.!!1! SO EAT IT!!!!@1...

...BTW the Enfermas call me “ jefe pinche cobagerismo chignon,” which they tell me means strong and handsome muscle man in American so you guys can justSUCKit!!1!….

Delightful isn’t he?

I Was Just Over at Some Super Smart Person Bog

You can tell by the name "Reasoned Audacity". Anyhoo, why do they always have names like that? "Seasoned Perspicacity" "Incontinent Globality" "Stultified Mustard" "Cudgeled Brainstem".

I had to comment because the very important topic of the Pepsico CEO eating at the White House. Apparently nothing is more un-American than Pepsi (even though Branson, MO is a total Pepsi town). I mean they sponsor Jeff Gordon (head over to TBOGG for some roundabout linkies), right? Anyway, because the way they worky comments over there at Incarcerated Perspiration is that you can't really do it, they gots to get screened, I had to post this here. They totally cast aspersions against chocolate-cardamom-mango-cashew ice cream. Now, obviously that would be like eating a mouthful of al Zarqawi's insurgent whip, but you know it probably would be pretty good.

I was all:

"I hate to tell ya, but that ice cream is probably pretty good. I had some cardamom-fig-mango ice cream at an Afghani place once and it was yummy. Don't you think, BTW, that this is possibly the lamest topic to be posting on, besides the yummy ice cream?"

UPDATE: if this is some total guerrila marketing by Coke, hats off guys, you've taken cynical to a new level. Charmaine the shill is genius! I mean, thank Gee oh Dee that P-line is on the train (holla, Michelle, Tameka and Tanya!) railing against Pepseroni, I mean it's like they are torturing us. P-line stands up to torture (yeah yeah, it's old news, whatev). Classy.

So The Editors Don't Actually Love Us, And In Fact May Hate Us

so whatev. We will tough it out. What I wanted to not talk about right now is this malaise creeping over myself. Could it be that tonight's Arrested Development was possible the worst episode of the series? I'm sure Jedmunds will post about it, and either agree or disabuse us of that notion. Please feel free to continue to quote on our AD thread, we're still going for the record.

Maybe AD couldn't do it for me, because I need some harder stuff, some stuff to clean out the horrible taste of torture that's just bringing me down.

We have the Human Rights Watch report (the General here, discussed by Hilzoy here, Norbiz here). We havd the nowthatsf*ckedupdotcom situation where American soldiers are trading atrocity pics for amatuer porn. respublica suitably furious here. Americablog on the case here. Of course there is the three stooges affair that was Pat Tillman's death. New details from the San Francisco Chronicle here.

Was it the utter disregard for any semblance of competence that led FEMA to "hire" Mike Brownie back as a consultant (Raw Story reporting on CBS news' report)? Why should they have to pay for that, shouldn't they have gotten all they needed out of his exit interview?

REMA, I mean FEMA: "Brownie what did we do wrong during our disaster management of Katrina"

Brownie: "Well, I pretty much screwed the pooch when I was in charge, but I can't know for sure what I was thinking, I'm just giving you my outsider's opinion."

I can't tell what is getting me down. I really can't. What will it take for me to have the balls to criticize the "troops" for these horrible actions? I'm not damning them all to hell, but this admin is putting these kids through a meat grinder, and won't take any responsibility for screwing them up, or for placing already screwed up people in the field. The administration loves the idea of individual freedom and individual responsibility, but in this case it is everything about the system that is causing the problems. The system is employing borderline personalities. The system is allowing grey areas to fester and essentially allowing this behavior to happen. They have completely lost all discipline and the ability for enlisted men and women to have confidence in their officers, Armed Forces policy, or US military objectives. On top of that they are horrendously overworked. On extra top of that, many if these individuals should just not be in the Army, period. I am not anti-armed forces, but we do not have a "professional army" by any stretch of the imagination. We have a horrible, insular Military culture that breeds inefficiency and cronyism. The use and abuse of Pat Tillman's name shows that to be the case. I think what we have is proof that the cold-hearted cynics we believe this Administration to be are not quite as cynical as we thought, I mean are they so cynical that they would knowingly destroy the effectiveness and infrastructure of the US Armed Forces? Totally delusional would make me feel better that's for sure.

I only know one thing, and that is tonight's Arrested Development was just terrible, and it couldn't have been the show, could it? I really had to look elsewhere, and there were just too many damn places to look.

And we continue...

The Poor Man Gives a Shout Out to Asshat!!!!!

In a reprise of our fave post ever at TPM cafe, The Poor Man gives Asshat and Trollypants a shout out!! Note this line from Dear Leader!

"Bring it ooooooooooonnnnnn! You got nuthin! YOU GOT NUTHIN!@!!”

Total heart.

Last but not least, the ever-so-true description of Brit Hume as a large and unspeakably evil asteroid.

Now get over there Trollz, and show him how it's done!

Song of the Day Link Fixed

Sorry, all is now well with Blogger, perhaps.

Appropriate Wingnut 80's Songs

I'll start 'em off:

Mickey Kaus- "Sex Dwarf"-Marc Almond
Jeff Gannon- "Brand New Lover"-Dead of Alive

Karl Rove (a la Rude Pundit)- "Master and Servant"-Depeche Mode
John Hinderaker- "No New Tale to Tell"- Love and Assrockets

I'll update this with the definitive list from comments.

Baghdad Calling

Sorry, boys.

Baghdad Calling
LGF Records 2005

1-2-3-4!
Hey, hey!
Ooh!

Jimmy’s outside but you can’t take him back for the drama of design
They hit him in the back and see the long arm dropped over the school cuisines
They say now back and hands facing the sidewalk as they slowly click on

What are we gonna do now?
Taking off his turban, they said, is this man al Qaeda?
’Cos working for the clampdown
They put up a poster saying we earn more than you!
When we're working for the Chazmo
We will teach our lizardoid speech
To the young believers
We will train our blue-eyed men
To be young believers

The judge said five to ten but I say double that again
I'm not working for the Chazmo
No man born with a living soul
Can be working for the Chazmo
Kick over the wall 'cause government's to fall
How can you refuse it?
Let fury have the hour, anger can be power
D'you know that you can use it?

The voices in your head are calling
Lizards rise up, dhimmitude is coming
Only a Klinton would turn the other way
Clickin’ and clackin on the keyboard
You don’t need to fight, we’re doing it at home now
Guard the Cheetos with your life, their coming for you

You grow up and you calm down and
You're working for Chazmo
You start wearing the leather and green and
You're working for the Chazmo
So you got someone to boss around
It makes you feel big now
You drift until you brutalize
You made your first kill now

In these days of evil presidents
Working for the Chazmo
But lately one or two has fully paid their due
For working for the Chazmo
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong!
Working for the Chazmo
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong!
Working for the clampdown

Yeah I’m working hard in Harrisburg
Working hard in Petersburg
Working for the clampdown
Working for the clampdown
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong
Begging to be melted down
Gitalong, gitalong
Work
Work
And I give away no secrets – ha!
Work
More work
Work
Work

Hitting the Club, Old School

Saturday night club mix, for the 80s kids. This was basically the retro night featured at Industry (RIP) a pretty great club in Pontiac, Michigan on Tuesday nights ca. 1992-1995. The name of the night was “Homesick” and they packed them in, on a Tuesday night. Being a Tuesday night, it wasn’t your usual sausage festival, not like young Punko was going to be scoring with anyone, anyway. Sigh, it’s broken up into three convenient mixes, for driving there while their simulcasting on 89X, one for when you get there trying to find your groove, and third for when you find it.

1. I Want Candy (Extended 12” Mix)-Bow Wow Wow.
Ah those were the days when Malcolm McLaren could go to Southeast Asia and come back with a 15 year dynamo, and then pose her naked on the album cover a la Manet’s “Luncheon on the Grass” or some such thing. What a scumbag. Has that “eatin’ a sandwich Adam and the Ants beat. These guys were fun.

2. Work (For Love)-Ministry
Al Jourgenson in his With Sympathy phase. He sounds so English and my god what did they turn into. This isn’t even 5% the goth that “Everyday is Halloween” and that wasn’t 5% as abrasive as “Stigmata”. Euro-trash electro disco. Awesome in that ironic time-capsule way. WORK! *for love*/whisper

3. Situation (Move Out)-Yaz
I hate this song. It is only here for accuracy.

4. Cars-Gary Numan w/Fear Factory
This isn’t historically accurate, but the extra crunch and menace of Fear Factory essentially make this an awesome remake. Get your robot swerve on.

5. Uncertain Smile (Original 12” mix)-The The
Kind of a bear to deal with on the dance floor, as it’s not a dance tune, and it’s 10 minutes and it has a problematic flute solo (Pinko Punko gets a rash from flute solos). However the Xylophone or whatever and piano etc, and the general awesomeness of the song gives it a pass. The The seem to have been all but forgotten, but Matt Johnson is a talented guy, and they are worth checking out.

6. Baby Pain (Extended 12” mix)-Intaferon
They may have never even released an album, maybe just a couple of EPs. This tune got played on the modern rock station in SLC, UT. I have never ever seen this record. Of all the stuff of this genre, I have physically seen the record in a store somewhere. A great, great 80s tune, just basically heavy percussion and synth, almost industrial, yet so John Hughes movie worthy. Should have been a huge hit. “Baby pain/make my heart throb again/heart throb with pain”

7. Spirit in the Sky-Doctor and the Tardis
Not even close to the Norman Greenbaum original, but this one’s modern rock.
8. Everything Counts (in larger amounts 12” mix)-Depeche Mode
Ah the kid at camp that played this tape over and over. The California kids were so much cooler than us kids from the sticks.

9. Relax-Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Does Red State America know that Frankie went to number 1 singing about not coming? Oops, it was with his gay lover, never mind. File under almost abstinence, or at least shooting in the right direction.

10. Rat In Mi Kitchen-UB40
The song that brough pop renaissance to us. Hee hee. I’m gonna feast on rat!! NO!!!!!!! Check out the Herb Alpert outro on this bad boy. I know the girl in the Girbaud jeans and white body suit would have loved this song. *sigh*

11. Temptation (original 12” version)-New Order
There is no comparison, this original version from what 1981 trumps the rerecorded 1987 Substance version. A killer on the floor, especially if you have green, blue or grey eyes. Sorry brown eyed girl.

12. How Soon Is Now?-The Smiths
At this point in the evening, you’re still on your way to the club if you are cool, if you are a dork you’re already there, but then you don’t miss it when the DJ blows this big gun early in the night. The song to end all songs. There could be a 40 minute mix and the kids would still be out there (even pre-X). Before I liked the Smiths I still dug this riff. Because your booty can’t say no.

13. Coming Home (Major Tom)-Pete Schilling
It should be the German version if the DJ is cool. Of course he isn’t because he already played HSIN? The cool kids just start to arrive here.

1. Homosapien-Pete Shelley
Buzzcocks frontman drops a solo track that is more synthy that the Buzzcocks, and totally underrated. The cure girls don’t bite, stay at the bar. You’re hosed, you busted out onto the floor and you can’t slink back. You enjoy it, hoping some noodler is out there with you so that its not just you and your moves.

2. World Destruction (12” Mix)-Timezone featuring John Lydon
Afrikaa Bambiataa hooks up with Mr. PiL/Sex Pistols for some early dance hop. Lydon is great for the dance floor. PiL essentially was dance punk before it was even a genre.

3. Tainted Love (12” Mix)-Soft Cell/w Marc Almond
Thank God. The statuesque drag queens can come to your rescue at least, and and sorority girls. The gothies like this one too, because they can mimic poisoning you with their tainted love, while you are forced to mimic running away although you’d prefer to stay and be poisoned.

4. Mirror in the Bathroom-The English Beat (yes we know they were just The Beat)
A little ska interlude for the skankers.

5. Ca Plane Pour Moi-Plastic Bertrand
Super famous French punk song that is awesome. Probably has been in a million Volkswagen ads, but sadly forgotten on American shores.

6. Dancing in Heaven-Q Feel
For the ladies. The quintessential 80s dance tune from “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”- love ya SJP! *kiss kiss*

7. Reap the Wild Wind-Ultravox
Swoon. Midge. Ure. Making. The. Waver. Girls. Swoon.

8. Hyperactive-Thomas Dolby
Underrated popster drops this electro-funk gem on us, so much better than “Blinded Me…”

9. AEIOU-Sometimes Y (12” mix)-Ebn Ozn
This song is a new wave oddity, but kills on the floor because you are just waiting for the line “she took me home/I told I wouldn’t sleep with her friends/ she doesn’t sleep with my friends/”

10. Big Hollow Man-Danielle Dax
This song is so cool, and I have no idea what it sounds like. She has a lot of sounds that are ahead of her time. She’s like an electro, weird, dancefloor Kate Bush. The voice isn’t quite there but it has a certain theatrical bent. Anyway, this song is about some religious charlatan but sounds like it is set 5000 years in the future on the bombed out robot planet.

11. Genius of Love-Tom Tom Club
Somehow the seemingly whitest two people on earth (Tina and Chris from Talking Heads) one up the funk quotient from their actually pretty funky in its weird way regular band, and drop a track that 1000 budding MCs probably free-styled to, and Mariah Carey sampled TWICE (Honey I think, and I swear Heartbreaker).

12. Doot Doot (Extended 12” mix)-Freur (unpronounceable squiggle)
They went on to greater glory as Underworld, but they were an enigmatic English synth group that beat Prince to the punch for squiggle symbols by 10 years. This song works better when you are young and dramatic and in high school and your activities consist of driving around and maybe getting a Slurpee and thinking about some girl that is invariably making out with some jock at that very moment, and to a less good song. If only you could have at least provided the mix tape! Pop quiz: how many Three Bulls! Dorks™ have probably soundtracked some delightful lasses makeout session with some other guy? You know it’s true. “Thanks _____(GregH? md? pr? Pinko?), thanks soooo much for the awesome tape, I love it. I’ll always think of you when I listen to it not with you.”

13. Our Lips Are Sealed-Fun Boy Three
First of all, I love Belinda and the Go-Go’s as much as the rest of waver boys my age, but this version, the not-original, is the true modern rock classic. Sung in a kind of robotic way. As if he’s halfway into the bottle of pills, and the song is not really accurate about his view of “it doesn’t matter what they say.” A brief respite from the dance floor reverie of Doot Doot and what’s to come.

14. Love Will Tear Us Apart-Joy Division
It is a total sausage festival around the delightful goth girl, and you don’t want to hit on her, you just want to dance with her and feel her pain, but you keep getting squeezed out by the human elbow and orange Mohawk guy that thinks this is a moshing song.

15. To The Sky-The Cure
For a long time you had to settle for this taped off the radio because it was on basically nonexistent Fiction records sampler. “Just Like Heaven” would have worked here before it got played out (was there such a time? Ed.- yes).

1. Tubular Bells/Pretty Boys, Pretty Girls (Extended Mix)-Book of Love
After that last break, it becomes a dance off of death until closing. This isn’t for weenies. This is serious. It’s totally unclear but something about Book of Love was always gender bending and was somehow about sex, so the girls are getting down to this one.

2. Never Let Me Down Again-Depeche Mode
We’ve discussed this previously. This is as heavy and as awesome as they get. You try not to geekily sing along, but you have to, you are compelled.

3. Cities in Dust (Extended)-Siouxsie and the Banshees
You literally cannot enjoy this song until it is clear that it is the extended version, because that version is so much better than the normal one, and the one that lets you do you disinterested stare look during the break down. And you’re not certain of that until 2:28 in, then you go with it.

4. Lips Like Sugar (12” Extended Mix)-Echo and the Bunnymen
You know this is extended right off the bad from the kind of played out extend-o-drum bit that fills out the opener. That doesn’t matter, it’s LIPS LIKE SUGAR. This is a different vocal mix that the album version, so you wait for “the king of Siam I am/and my Siamese twin/alone on the river/mirror kisses” because it’s like, totally different.

5. Out of Hand (12” Mix)-Mighty Lemon Drops
Probably not appropriate for the mix, historically speaking, but it would have fit. The song you know by them is “Inside Out”.

6. Go!-Tones on Tail
Proto-industrial grind from Ash and Haskins? From Love and Rockets/Bauhaus.

7. Everyday is Halloween-Ministry
Oh the Gothies have been waiting for this and they descend upon you. You feign indifference, but deep down you don’t understand, but they heed the call of their master.

8. Blue Monday-New Order
The kids are in a froth at this point. You secretly wished they’d put “Temptation” in this spot instead.

9. Up on the Catwalk-Simple Minds
Deodato, Michaelangelo, Nastasjia Kinski, Robert DeNiro. What? Awesome. Check the song.

10. Are Friends Electric?-Gary Numan.
My love for this song has been well documented on Three Bulls!. I can’t explain it. It is the best pseudo robotic song ever. And don’t give me this Kraftwerk shit, Norbiz. KW has a role in this world, but the ultimate robot song ever is this one, withstanding even Bangalter and Daft Punk.

11. Dominion/Mother Russia-Sisters of Mercy
Wow. Also documented previously the Sapphic tableau presented to Pinko Punko at the club during this song while PP was an impressionable young club goer.

12. Madame Butterfly-Malcom Maclaren
The opera sampling dance floor slow song show closer. What can we say, this song is basically terrible but the aria from Madame Butterfly somehow still sounds great and sends you home happy, albeit sad and alone as predicted by Messers Morrissey and Marr.

And we continue...

Countdown to Kingsbury Manx

Damn it BLOGGER. Let me post a picture. OK don't.

UPDATE: Thank you, Blogger.

Anyway, we begin the countdown of an uncertain amount of time before the Uncanny One has the new Kingsbury Manx album of tasteful, psychedelic folk rock from North Carolina's finest musical tastemakers in his Canadian paws (mittened of course).

The Manx soon to be in the house! Actual info- Band's page here. Album was out the 20th, but it's not official until tUC has his mits on it and shares with us its awesomeness.

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

Today we did a real random. It's called the R-A-D-I-O. We listened today to WOXY on the internets because we didn't want any chance of having to blow a slot on Linkin Park (I'm lookin atchoo don'tEATnachos). WOXY is here, and they have an OK feed, it's probably better if you go through them than your iTunes tuner. Obviously it is Friday so we got our faves around the webs, we got Uncanny below, Fulsome (and don'tEATnachos in the comments there) at Well-Rounded Nerds, Norbiz is always on his game (motherscratchin' hurricane be damned, although he's out of the fryin pan) and mdhatter at his abode. And we got Gregor's and pr's in comments too, so a good week.

And we make an auspicious start:

1. These are the Fables-New Pornographers
So there's this malicious rumor goin' around that these guys are better to listen to on shuffle. While that might have been accurate for their earlier two awesome albums, it's total bunk on the new one. 10/10 on principle

2. Nothing Gives Me Pleasure-Josh Rouse
Take some cold medicine guy. Maybe a little (lot) too straight ahead for me 3/10

3. The Sun-Must Be You
Intriguing retro yet a little grimy guitar opening, then hits with a not the most interesting singer. OK for the radio. I guess. And then out of nowhere it gets all awesome at the end- here's the lines: “You forgot your dagger when you left/6 inches deep and buried in my chest/and if you come back to look at the blood/I’’ll slap your hand away/because at least I loved you" That dude is all in your FACE!!! 10/10 for that line alone.

4. Pretty Little Neighbor-Giant Drag
Atonal chick sounding like an indie rock giant drag (wah wah, too obvious, touche, douchefork). It just doesn’t sparkle. 2/10

5. Super Love Attack-Carnivalore
Like a shoegaze lurching Dinosaur Jr./Ride hybrid with organ. Although I don't know which is the band or the song. Bueno! 7/10

6. Clear Spot-Pernice Bros
-10 points for kind of sounding like the intro to the Pixies “Debaser”. I try so hard to like these guys but they are boring. BO-ring. 0/10 (update, they could have had a perfect score, but it was -10 points)

7. The Russian-The Bees
Starts off sounding like it is gonna be some choogling organ and beat instrumental. Something that they would subject you too on KEXP, and you would secretly curse the DJ for wasting your time. And then it gets noodley with some regge beat. SUCK. When's Widespread Panic gonna come on and suck more? Kidding. Maybe -infinity out of 0 (it had no chance)

8. 99th Dream-Swervedriver
Hey wait, I own this I think, and I don’t remember it starting all Dick Dale on me. Kind of like older Catherine Wheel. More muscular shoegaze. I think this song is pretty good. I need to go dig it out so I can appreaciate it at more the 48 kbps/resolution. There are some subtleties here that might require a close listen. 8/10

9. The Good People….-Her Space Holiday A little too minimalist for me, you know quirky non-instrumentation. Sounds almost like a bad attempt at the divine Animal Collective. Then some weird sub-Portishead lady comes in. I don’t hate this, but it can never be good I think. 2/10 (I guess I hate it)

10. Forgot to get a 10, gonna do it live (I am listening to something cool by Early Miners called Bijou right now on Indie Pop Rocks, but I'm gonna switch over to WOXY.....Death Cab, not a good one...switching back to something else....Oh another Her Space Holiday song, yeah I hate them. I would show up late to the show if they were opening. And I never do that. EVA. Although they might grow on me, I guess 5/10 -it's better than the other one for sure- it's called "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend"

And we continue...

Friday musical revue

1. Afternoon Speaker - The Sea And The Cake
Remember when you used to hear about post-rock? Remember when people cared about the new Tortoise release? Those were some kind of crazy times, weren't they? TSATC I think emerged the same time as Tortoise and always had a great accessibility about them. It had the light jazzy feel of a good post-rock band, but with words and even lyrics. Afternoon Speaker is taken from one of their best CDs, Oui, and is at once catchy and laid-back. Music to sip iced tea to, and be rested but not too rested. 8/10

2. Good Morning Mr. Edminton - Of Montreal
This is one of the great Of Montreal songs. It is zany, catchy, and involves a somewhat unusual kidnapping. How could you not love it? Many people were annoyed by just the title of Coquelicot Asleep In The Poppies: A Variety of Whimsical Verse. They were right. But the CD has some terrific musical gems that are both whimsical and of verse. I liked Of Montreal when they sounded like this more than when they sounded like an offshoot of a weird '80s band. 9/10

3. Muzzle Of Bees - Wilco
I think it is fair to say that Pinko Punko and myself are among the few that consider A Ghost Is Born a worthy, if not equal successor to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Muzzle of Bees is one of the tracks that is as good as anything Wilco has ever written. It begins quite subdued for the few minutes, but the build-up and chorus are worth the wait. Great guitar work on this track. 9/10

4. S.P.A.T - Badly Drawn Boy
I don't have many film soundtracks. This one, however, for the music of About A Boy is one of the better ones out there for original songs. Silent Sigh is a long-time 3B favourite, and there are two or three other standouts. Unfortunately, some of the instrumental parts, such as this track, just suck. There are some loud funky sounding horns, but mostly noise. Just not great. 5/10

5. The Affiliated - The Dukes of Stratosphear
Oh, those crazy XTC guys. Whatever will they do next? This two-off pschedelic-loving experiment yielded some very fun and '60s sounding songs. The Affiliated is kind of strange song, alternating between a prosey part and an oddly samba-sounding chorus. But it sounds great. 8/10

6. I Felt Your Shape - The Microphones
People love this guy, and I'm not really sure why. This is one of the listenable tracks from The Glow, Pt. 2. Kind of a nice acousticy voice/guitar song that would make me really want this CD if the other songs sounded this good. It almost evokes Nick Drake nostalgia. 7.5/10

7. Million $ Man - Imperial Teen
Imperial Teen are a totally under-rated band. They have great beats and offbeat lyrics. This is music to groove to and music to smile at. 8.5/10

8. Pictures of Me - Elliott Smith
This is my all-time favourite Elliott Smith song from Either/Or. It is sardonic, pathetic, and defiant at the same time. It also sounds suprisingly upbeat, even though it isn't. There are so many memorable little lyrics in this song, but the part that breaks your heart is "Not surprised at all and really, why should I be? See nothing wrong, see nothing wrong. So sick and tired of all these pictures of me. Completely wrong. Totally wrong." I think everyone can relate to this song and the sentiment. I can listen to this song endlessly and be affected every time. I'm so sad for Elliott Smith. 10/10

9. Motion Suggets - Pavement
I'm not really a Pavement fan, but this came along with the Jason Lytle collection, Below The Radio. Which makes sense given that it sounds like a Grandaddy song. Exactly like a Grandaddy song. So I kind of like it. The song feels more attached to the '90s than most other music in my collection and I like that feel to it. 7.5/10

10. Vincent O'Brien - M. Ward
This song is kind of a leitmotif for M. Ward. A sad song about a sad song with the sound of an old sad song. There are playful lyrics in here that read a little like a children's rhyme. I like new music that sounds old. I really like how the song is somewhat recycled, albeit in an altered for on Transistor Radio, where it's called Four Hours in Washington. 8/10

And we continue...

Because This Whole Exercise of Existence is Futility

PICTURE OF PAPI HERE, WHEN BLOGGER FEELS LIKE IT
Sorry, Papi, we're gonna have to give this one back, for the greater good.

...I was just thinking what I would give in this world for George W. Bush to not have been elected. Would it have changed anything. I'm inclined to say a whole fuck of a lot. Even in 2004? Maybe not so much about Katrina because it would probably take a good three years to clean out the accumulated mouse turds out of the various gutted and defiled Departments of Uselessness created by Dear Leader. BUT. If I were omnipotent AND all powerful (shout out to my kidz at Powerline), I would give back the Sox in 2004 and let the Yankees win for the next 25 years. Does that sound ridiculously serious? Well I am. The vein has literally popped out of my forehead. Please leave your message in comments. Gregor would you give up carnitas? Yosef, would you give up pulled pork? md would you give up bacon? Uncanny would you give up ALL the creatures whence these meats come? Don't hate me Brad R.

Dit-effing-to

dontEATnachos has the poop.

That's a hell yeah and a preaching to the choir from us over here. I really hate it when people do this one thing that he is talking about. You are on my absolute shit list if you do. The vein is popping just thinking about it.

Bootzilla Strikes Back!

Wherin Yosef interviews the musician on the fallout of Seb's comparison of Michelle Malkin (the good half) to the lovely Lady Miss Keir.

And we continue...

The Most Important News Item EVER

Napolean Defeated at Waterloo - NOPE!
USS Maine Sunk - NOT EVEN!
Titanic Sinks - DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!
Titanic Stinks - WE ALL KNEW IT ANYWAY!
Alien Life Found in Boston - TOM BRADY SUX!!

Forget all that, here is The Most Important News Item Ever! (free registration req. (sorry))
UPDATE
The delightful Stephanie says....for your login needs...
EP@JUNO.COM
123456

Blue Girls Says Go Here

Thanks BG-
She says nobody has done this guys shtick, and after reading his Amazon review, I say, maybe the General has. Still it's funny, but possibly creepy (for some reason I grew a conscience and thought of some poor Sunday School kid wandering onto that and having their brain melt! :)

"Go here:
Then read the post: "Counting Crayons"
He's writing Amazon reviews -- under the name Robert Salsbury.
The title of his first review is:
Purple Jesus!
Go there now!!"

Bacanora or Bacanono – We Report You Decide

An exploration of the spirit world that leads Gregor Samsa to ponder the existence of God.

Simply put Bacanora is Mexican moonshine made from the smoked hearts of the agave. Although commercially produced pretenders have begun to come to market they degrade the true spirit of Bacanora. Your bottle should be corked and consist of a recycled tequila, mescal or occasionally a canola oil bottle. Recent experiments involving the unholy combination of Nyquil and Bacanora indicate that it has promise as a cure for the common cold and the flu.

And we continue...

Read Song of the Day today, contemplate it.

Then consider a pirate boarding party here. I'm not sure if I can join you, but the pirates must follow the trail of booty, so they might as well start at Atlas Shrugged. Keep it clean, boys, don't give Three Bulls! a worse name than we deserve.

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Jay Leno.

Blogger is Freaking Out

Yosef is on Blogger.

2+2=?

Behold the awesome power. Eaten Celebrity Dream Cameo up when Yo finally makes Blogger his zibatch.

Life's Hard Lessons

Three Bulls! pal Seitz teaches us in comments that Gregor Samsa's delightful post about Salsaghetti was in fact so over and had been done before by some techno-dudes that actually filmed the debacle. Welcome to Teh Internets, kids, any original thought ever to enter your head will in fact not be. I swear, when I do the post about Smokedog's butthole, I'm gonna find out that was soooooooo Pandagon, circa '04.

As a total dorkwad...

I was firmly convinced I had attended most of the worst or lamest parties of all time. Let's just say none of them ever deserved the verb party to go along with attendance, does any party really? I mean a plugged in TV never, ever was thrown into the pool, no matter how urgently I commanded it to be so. However, THIS, from tbogg, takes the CAKE. I now feel better about myself. Super Drinkie for everyone!! First of all, can someone confirm whether this Rob Long individual is a porn star or what? Also, Chester, you're in SoCal right? Can we get a Three Bulls! correspondent to these things???

I saw the news today, oh boy!

They said Yosef had just joined 3 Bulls!

And we continue...

Salsaghetti: Friend or Foe?

In which Gregor Samsa learns whether dreams really can come true. In this episode, we explore the incongruous delight that is Salsaghetti.

When I first saw this product my jaw dropped! I love Salsa! I love Spaghetti! I love Watermelon! I love Tamarind! I love Hot! But would I love them all together? Ah the age old question.

This product consists of watermelon flavored sour straws with a zesty tamarind marinara. The directions didn’t say that the product needed to be heated so I served mine at room temperature.

Verdict Gregor Samsa: Salsaghetti is our friend but we wouldn’t necessarily call them back the same day. This truly bizarre combo was surprisingly good. However, the product advertised ‘hot’ but in that it was woefully lacking. In my opinion extra heat would have put this candy over the top. Also meatballs would have been a nice touch.

Verdict PupH: Salsaghetti without the tamarind marinara is delightful but the sauce renders it inedible. Also meatballs would have been a nice touch.

A Very Special and Important Update to Our Blogroll

A prisoner is behind bars who must go free.

FREE OSCAR BLUTH.

SPECIAL EDITION MERCH!! LIMITED!*

In the Three Bulls! Shoppe NOW. Get them while they are HOT!** Remember our mission to liberate the Cheetos from Cheeto Tora Bora? This is how we pay for it. All proceeds from this edition go to the "Teach Yosef How To Use The Internets" fund. I swear it.***

*Limited by your discerning taste only

**Come on people, nothing can get more obscure or elitist that this tee.

***True, if anyone actually buys this, all proceeds to Yosef and his 27 children.

Yo ho ho, The Howler Be Speaking a Hard Truth Today

Read it.

A tale o' woe bringin a tear to my hearties

From Song of the Day:

Yargh, me be swillin' rums, oh ho, so many bottles to be forgetting the pain oh my dear mum, and her ravishing by a scurvy dog. I shall be filling him up with musket shot and he be tasting the blad o' my cutlass, he be. It shall be the black spot for him!

That blackguard and blackhearted Fulsome be suggesting we relate the woe-sodden tale to ye, so ye be cryin like lassies and drunken wenches.

And here I be weaving my tale for the sodden lot o' ye.

We are two mariners
Our ships' sole survivors
In this belly of a whale

Its ribs our ceiling beams
Its guts our carpeting
I guess we have some time to kill

You may not remember me
I was a child of three
And you, a lad of eighteen

But I remember you
And I will relate to you
How our histories interweave

At the time you were
A rake and a roustabout
Spending all your money
On the whores and hounds
Oh Ohhhhh

You had a charming air
All cheap and debonair
My widowed mother found so sweet

And so she took you in
Her sheets still warm with him
Now filled with filth and foul disease

As time wore on you proved
A debt-ridden drunken mess
Leaving my mother
A poor consumptive wretch
Oh Ohhhhh

And then you disappeared
Your gambling arrears
The only thing you left behind

And then the magistrate
Reclaimed our small estate
And my poor mother lost her mind

Then one day in spring
My dear sweet mother died
But before she did
I took her hand as she, dying, cried:
Oh Ohhhhh

"Find him, bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave
*sigh*"

It took me fifteen years
To swallow all my tears
Among the urchins in the street

Until a priory
Took pity and hired me
To keep their vestry nice and neat

But never once in the employ
Of these holy men
Did I ever once turn my mind
From the thought of revenge
Oh Ohhhhh

One night I overheard
The Prior exchanging words
With a penitent whaler from the sea

The captain of his ship
Who matched you toe to tip
Was known for wanton cruelty

The following day
I shipped to sea
With a privateer

And in the whistle
Of the wind
I could almost hear...
Oh Ohhhhh

"Find him, bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave

"There is one thing I must say to you
As you sail across the sea
Always, your mother will watch over you
As you avenge this wicked deed"

[haunting, sailor-esque musical interlude lead by mandolin, accordion and tuba]

And then that fateful night
We had you in our sight
After twenty months at sea

Your starboard flank abeam
I was getting my muskets clean
When came this rumbling from beneath

The ocean shook
The sky went black
And the captain quailed

And before us grew
The angry jaws
Of a giant whale

[instrumental noise]
Oh Ohhhhhhhhhh
[screaming]
Ohhhhh
[screaming]

Don't know how I survived
The crew all was chewed alive
I must have slipped between his teeth

But, O! What providence!
What divine intelligence!
That you should survive
As well as me

It gives my heart
Great joy
To see your eyes fill with fear

So lean in close
And I will whisper
The last words you'll hear
Ohh Ohhhhh

And we continue...

Musical Menagerie: You Pick ‘em I’ll Buy ‘em

In which Gregor Samsa cedes some of the power of the 3Bully pulpit to our gentle reader(s).

Gregor Samsa’s iPOD recently received an offer of free songs. As a sociological experiment, I have agreed to allow you, dear reader, the opportunity to select five songs that will blow MY MIND and sate the iPOD’s desire. The only rules are that the songs must be available at the iTunes store and that the songs must not currently reside on Gregor Samsa’s iPOD.

UPDATE - Special rule for our 'Special' friend GAVIN: NO FLOCK OF SEAGULLS!!!

I just banned someone for the first time

Somebody thought this comment was funny:

Thank you for your support.
Mohammed Atta | 09.18.05 - 8:02 pm | #

It just seemed so offensive to me. Everyone here at Three Bulls! is pragmatically patriotic in their own way. No one here supports terrorism. We reject the accusation categorically. We feel terrible about banning this turd, because we support free speech, but we don't want that guy in our house.

BREAKING NEWS

Speaking of gummi, where were these when I was trying to perfect my "cold...so cold...I make your eyes...You Nexus 6" impression?

The search for gummi religious figures has been going on this weekend, as a gaping hole in our snacktastic world was identified, and it could only be plugged by gummi. Fulsome has the details. Our fave, the cross-sicles. Mmmm, limey crucifix. GO NOW!

Field Marshal Insensitive Extraordinaire, Asshat

You mean like this little guy? (see comments below). I think he would be pals with PupH, but he would seriously rock AH's n*****k, and I don't mean in a good way. Trolls, so insensitive, so unfeeling. So lubricated- it's 11 am on a Sunday morning, and the Field Marshal is three sheets.

MYSTERY ART BAGE

In which Gregor Samsa, opens his art collection and that of his friends to the gentle reader. In this episode, we learn more about one of the key loves of Samsa’s life: PupH.

First off I would like to thank Pinko Punko from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to post on his blog [ed. this is a web page not a blog, Three Bulls! post, not blog, see "intricacies of..."]. I’m sure that he will soon realize the huge mistake he has made and rescind his offer forthwith.

Our first example from the Mystery Art Bage is of a subject near and dear to my heart. PupH is my sometimes nemesis, fulltime companion and one of the loves of my life. The painting, oil on canvas, is circa 2003 and was done on commission by Tucson artist Dougie Weber.

Dougie truly captures the comically regal and turgid* form of PupH. This is an example by a young master on top of his game. The powerful and bold brush strokes are fearless and evocative of PupH’s nature as well as that of the young artist. Dougie’s selection of a surreal background truly captures the circus-dog spirit of PupH with hints of art deco inspiration. PupH’s expression is priceless in its anticipation of reward or direction.
*By turgid I mean swollen with pride and muscle. PupH is certainly not overweight; rather, he is simply big boned.

Pitchfork Cobaggery

We recently mentioned the film DiG, about the Dandy Warhols and Brian Jonestown Massacre, which Three Bulls! actually SAW at the Sundance Film Festival. Since we knew something of the two bands, we knew what was kinda true about the movie and what was full of shit.

And we continue...

Aborted Rant of the Day

I was all ready to completely go off the friggin charts with a rant about the apparent Madison Ave. brain drain and the fact that they can market W. as somehow in charge of anything , they can market John Kerry as a traitor, they can market Nascar as having personalities (what gives you personality would get you thrown in jail for vehicular assualt) and they can't friggin market a G. D. Mars bar in the United States.

Sweet Cookie Jesus, were they passing this guy out at the Freedom March? Why don't they just slap Toby Keith's slavering mug on this turd. Oh, "Great New Taste"?? Shit, when are they coming to brainwash me? I seem to remember what the hell this tasted like just fine, back when it was a MARS BAR. When will the cobaggery end??

And we continue...

As If Our Entire Existence Weren't A Norbiz Ripoff

UPDATE: General's Troops and First Draft Readers- We Love You, You might like "Monday Goldberg Theatre"- see sidebar for details!

This most certainly is.

Dear Leader EXPOSED! He used to blame it on the dog- SHAME, now he blames it on Bolton! Backstory at the Master's House (his is funnier, but ours is more likely to be true!). Update: The General is bringing it too.
SUPER NEW UPDATE!!!!! WELL-ROUNDED NERDS ARE BRINGING IT!

DOUBLE UPDATE. HOW MANY REALITIES ARE THERE? Sorry, possums, this will never get old.

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Geenie Cola channels Oprah Winfrey.

Dear Governor Perry of Texas

If you were to accidentally, say, eat some shit, and get typhoid and die, that would be sad. We really dislike you and think your hair looks like a twat. Want to know what is a million times sadder and all your fault?

This. Backstory here. Death penalty cases should be no-doubters, and if her representation was incompetent and the Houston crime lab suspect, then she shouldn't have been killed.

Newton executed for 1987 slayings

Associated Press

Associated Press file
Frances Newton has been on death row since she was convicted of killing her husband and two children in 1987.
HUNTSVILLE — Frances Newton was executed today for the fatal shootings of her husband and two children 18 years ago, becoming the third woman, and first black woman, to be put to death in the state since executions resumed in 1982.

Strapped to the death chamber gurney and with her parents among the people watching, she declined to make a final statement, quietly saying "no" and shaking her head when the warden asked if she would like to speak.

Newton, 40, briefly turned her head to make eye contact with her family as the drugs began flowing. She appeared to attempt to mouth something to her relatives, but the drugs took effect. She coughed once and gasped as her eyes closed and her mouth remained slightly open. Eight minutes later at 6:17 p.m. CDT, she was pronounced dead.

One of her sisters stood flat against a wall at the rear of the death house, her arms raised against the wall and her head buried in her arms, refusing to watch. Her parents held hands and her mother brushed away a tear before they walked to the back of the chamber to console their other daughter.

About 50 demonstrators chanted outside but the crowd paled in comparison to the group of hundreds that assembled in 1998 to protest the execution of Karla Faye Tucker, who was the first woman executed in Texas since the Civil War.

"She's back with her family, in her mind," said John LaGrappe, one of her attorneys, who met with Newton less than two hours before she was executed and described her as "strong and optimistic."

"It's her faith in God," LaGrappe said.

He characterized her as the victim of a set of statutes that denied her access to the Supreme Court and blamed state-appointed lawyers early in her appeals process for missing deadlines that barred Newton from raising legal claims.

"It's a sad statement about the judicial process," he said. "To me, this is outrageous."

Two cousins of Newton's slain husband, who also watched the execution, complained that too much attention had been focused on Newton, and not enough on the three murder victims.

"I wanted her to apologize, just to confess," Tamika Craft-Demming said. "I don't know if you can get any satisfaction.

"Justice is not to me served. If we saw some kind of apology, that would have been justice."

Craft-Demming, who sobbed loudly in the death chamber, described Newton as a "mean and kind of evil-spirited person. I knew she was vindictive. None of these things have been talked about.

"I did have a rough go in that room," she said of her experience in the death chamber, where she broke down in tears. "I'd like to say not one tear was for Frances. They were for the kids."

Without dissent, the high court declined a pair of appeals about an hour before Newton was scheduled to be taken to the Texas death chamber.

The Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles, which last year paved the way for Gov. Rick Perry to issue a reprieve about two hours before Newton was set to die, on Monday unanimously rejected a request that her death sentence be commuted to life in prison. Perry rejected another delay in the execution Wednesday afternoon.

She also lost appeals in state and lower federal courts. Her execution was the 13th this year in Texas. She was the 11th woman executed in the United States since the Supreme Court in 1976 allowed the death penalty to resume.

Newton didn't deny putting a gun in her 7-year-old son's knapsack and stashing the bag at an abandoned house. But she and her lawyers argued the .25-caliber blue steel revolver she hid was not the one used to fatally shoot her son, Alton; her 21-month-old daughter, Farrah; and her husband, Adrian, 23, at their Houston apartment.

Newton insisted she was innocent, and the claim about the gun was among several in her appeal to the Supreme Court. She also contended her trial attorneys were incompetent and evidence at her trial improperly was destroyed.

"I know I did not murder my kids and my family," she told The Associated Press in a death row interview. "It's frustrating ... nobody's had to answer for that."

Prosecutors called Newton's appeals meritless, noting that a second gun never was recovered, that repeated ballistics tests confirmed the gun she hid was the murder weapon, and that any destruction of evidence was not improper.

"The unbroken chain of custody directly links Newton to the murder weapon," the Texas Attorney General's Office said in its filing to the Supreme Court.

Newton, accompanied by a cousin, found the bodies April 7, 1987. Her husband had been shot in the head, the two children in the chest, all with a .25-caliber pistol.

Three weeks before the slayings, Newton took out $50,000 life insurance policies on herself, her husband and her daughter. She named herself as beneficiary and said she signed her husband's name to prevent him from discovering she had set aside money to pay for the premiums.

Prosecutors said the insurance payoff was the motive for the slayings.

The reprieve last year was granted to allow for additional ballistics testing on the weapon. In March, the new ballistics tests confirmed earlier findings and Harris County officials then rescheduled her execution.

Newton believed the real killer is or may be related to a drug dealer she knew only as "Charlie," who she said was upset with her husband for not repaying a $500 debt.

Me. Ow. Barrachus says

PREPARE TO GET THROWN FOOLS!

EAT IT SADLY, NO COBAGZ!!!!11@!!!! HAHAHAHA LONG LIVE ASSHAT AND SHORTSNIFFER AND DROLLPANTIES AND TROLLYPANTS!! MY LOGIN IS gavinisatard HAHAHAHA!!!!!!! LOL!

ROTFLMEOW!

Hi, My Name is Hilzoy

I make everybody look bad with my well researched and thoughtful posts. Luckily, Charles drives everyone away with his thickheaded nincompoopness. Meow.

PS. I'm in LOVE http://ihatecharlesbird.blogspot.com/

Hi, My Name is Norbiz

Urp. I just threw up a little. Austin rocks! I'm so badass! Oh, my head.

On a serious note, head over there and try to save a woman's life.

Hi, My Name is The Editors

Do you want to play with me? I would love to cuddle with you.

Stinky Food Girl

Stinky Food Girl is going to be a goldmine for this webpage. Apparently she is oblivious about lots of things. Watch this space.

Thanks, RSS news feed. I feel better.

Wonderful. MSM down with the beastmaster now. EAT IT COBAGZ!!@!!111!

The Hottest Young Conservative Writer On The Internets

...speaks about the blatant infiltration of Hollyweird with LeninoMarxianFascistobuttwipes.

Yosef's Treatise on Communist Undertones Inherent in "The A-Team":

After the 4 members of the A-Team left the military, accused of a crime they didn't commit, they went about the United States as fugitives. As they were constantly trying to flee the MPs, they would constantly come upon small towns and try to hide out there. Now we all know that every small town in the US has one very very hot lower-middle class babe who got her typing certificate from a community college in the next county, making her the most educated person in said small town.

Enter "Face". Each member of the A-Team has a special ability: Hannibal is a natural leader and a masterful strategist; Murdock has no inhibitions and can disguise himslef as women whenever he needs to; B.A. Barrachus has almost superhuman strength (and he pities fools); Face, well he has the most important of all abilities - good looks. Face is the charmer. As the A-Team stops at a local watering hole, they always notice a beautiful woman entreating 2 male bluecollar workers to quit drinking and just go home. They are her father and brother. After a heated discussion, the young lady is invariably drawn to the looks and charm of Face. As she joins him and the other guys for a drink, she tells of the problems that have led her father and brother to drink heavily.

It seems that in every town our heroes visit, there is a factory that employs nearly everyone who lives in the area. The local workers are all paid extremely low wages for very difficult work, but they have to settle for it, because the owner of the factory has threatened to move it to another county where the people would be happy to work for the same amount of money - if not less! Meanwhile, unbeknownst to any except the all-seeing camera, the owner is using the employees' pensions to buy something illegal, whether guns or drugs.

The A-Team is on the case! The corporate capitalist pig owner of the factory must be made accountable for his wage system, and he must let the workers unionize. The A-Team goes in, guns a-blazing,with the help of the workers, fighting against the mercenary goon squad hired by the owner for his protection.

After all the fighting has been accomplished, the corporate capitalist pig owner has either been forced to flee leaving all of the money behind, or has been arrested, thereby releasing his hold of the factory. The workers, having risen up against their capitalist corporate masters, rejoice and take ownership of the factory for themselves, ensuring a better life for all.

Then they rename Hannibal "Gorky" and build statues of him in parks all over the county. (I think this last part is implied in the closing credits.)

Anyway, you can see that the A-Team was clearly a communist plot to poison the minds of the American Children in order to destroy the capitalist state. To think that this show was a huge hit during the Reagan era! I blame it for the downfall of American society and I blame it's cancellation for the lack of good television programming.

And we continue...

First Post Up At Celebrity Dream Cameo

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are featured today, read more.

Kids, I know you have some screwed up psyches, so let's start them rolling in. Just tell Dr. Pinko about it. 3bulls at gmail dot com.

I Love You Guys

My new favorite thread ever*

Comments: * is back!

If they ever try to implement this policy of correcting Bush's mistakes* in earnest I see a worldwide shortage of astericks.

*lies
Posted by GregH at September 12, 2005 09:41 PM

Sadly, No!* is my favorite blog!
*3bulls**
**The Dark Window
Posted by Yosef at September 12, 2005 09:50 PM

The Panthers are a championship-caliber* football team.
*Second-rate boondoggle who lost the lowly Saints.
Posted by Brad R. at September 12, 2005 09:51 PM

Yosef*, if you start nesting loops of astericks it's going to make my head explode.

*Hottest Young Conservative Writer on the Interwebs **,***

**After the Doughy Pantload that is.

***Not really

****Nailed, COBAGZ!!!!
Posted by GregH at September 12, 2005 10:00 PM

The Red Sox* are the best baseball team ever!
*Team that couldn't score 1 run against the Yankees.
Dude, Brad, it's on this week. We might have lost Jenkins for the season again, but we're going to beat the crap out of the Pats** on Sunday!
**STAGMC Cobagz who blow goats.
Posted by Yosef at September 12, 2005 10:15 PM

Bush worked* on the Sabbath? Say it ain't so!
*Sunk his warty meatstick into John Roberts' gaping mangina.
Posted by teh l4m3 at September 12, 2005 10:39 PM

****************************************
****************************************
****************************************
****************************************
****************************************
I'm hoarding non-perishable asterisks till it all blows over. Keep an eye on the Stars and Stripes -- there may be looting.
Posted by jade at September 13, 2005 12:10 AM

Just hope Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly don't take to doing this.
Talk about a shortage...
Posted by D. Sidhe at September 13, 2005 02:13 AM

You guys would be the most popular blog if it weren't for Marie Jon' skewing the curve.
Posted by Realist at September 13, 2005 02:25 AM

jade has the right idea. We'd better go through punctuation emergency preparations. Beware those who hoard ' (Marie, I'm talking to you) and !@#$%^*&*()_;:"- (Kaye, I'm talking to you).
Posted by Cynthia at September 13, 2005 04:59 AM

DON'T WORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE THE CAPITAL LETTERS COVERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(That ought to get us through one Swank column, maybe two, if they're short.)
Posted by Dorothy at September 13, 2005 05:53 AM

I haven't heard the Scooby name for Mr. McClellan. That's a good one. I like Scott the Sucker MC and Puffy McMoon Face.
Posted by Agi at September 13, 2005 06:23 AM

I'm not even goign to try. This is now my fave* Sadly, No! thread ever.
*after the Brad R. drunk thread**
**after the super long thread***
***Yosef is a douchewad+
+true^
^where the hell is Ukko/Tapio? I feel like he really might be in jail somewhere.
Posted by Pinko Punko at September 13, 2005 07:00 AM

And we continue...

Too Much Snark?

Hey there little guy! Thanks for pooping on my Oreos!

Don't worry folks, we didn't actually catch this guy, no mice were hurt, apparently our landlord is taking a PETA approach, no mice will be hurt, ever. Up with mouse poop!

A letter to my landlord:

Hi,

This is the weekly 000 Made-up St. mouse infestation update. We are having no luck catching the mice infesting our apartment. They currently are chewing new holes in our stairs. Several holes have been reparied already, but because there is evidence of a large infestation of mice living under our unit, I am afraid new holes are destined to appear. It also strikes me as futile to keep trying to catch mice in our unit, when there are obviously plenty of happy mice under out unit, and they seem to just come into our unit to leave poop everywhere. It just really doesn't seem all that sanitary. Our unit is very clean and we do not leave food out, etc. and have not even found evidence of the mice getting into our food, yet we have found bountiful evidence of their feces throughout our apartment. It seems to me that whenever we discuss what the exterminator actually does, we get several different answers from the office. Recently it has been made to seem that all he does is put out traps, which is fine, but if so, would it be possible to put traps in the crawl space under our unit? The distinct impression we have received based on the actions of those responing to our concerns is that this problem does not seem all that important. I would like to assure you that it is very important to my wife and I, considering the amount of money we have to pay to live amongst mouse crap. I realize that given the problems in the world, this is relatively minor, but I would like to have confidence that it will be dealt with. As usual, please call me to let me know how the situation is being handled. I hope we do not keep having to have these unfortunate discussions.

What's Constantly Degrading Me This Week?

So I'm having lunch with Geenie Cola outside across the way, and afterwards I walk back through her builiding, and a wall of stink like an open ass literally smashes into us as we go through the door. This stink, like a sun baked juicy Hefty bag of baby diapers (not newborn) and assorted vegetable scraps was just totally foul. Seriously, my face contorted into a total Calvin and Hobbes Calvin face. Like completely out of whack. And I'm all "what....the....Eff....is....THAT??" and then we round the corner and some sweet little undergrad is scooping some warmed-up Asian something into her cakehole. And that was what was smelling. I think we've all been there. Had that yummy dish at the restaurant, so good, yummy yummy, gloooob and all that, and said "hey, I'll take this home." Us big city folks know that the second we get that carton onto public transportation, some crazy transubstantiation (or is it consubstantiation) happens, and we're not talking that the food turns in the body of JC. Just the opposite, it turns into the devil. And before you get all up in my grill about my sensitive nose, someone in the office down the hall was about to call Facilities to have them come look for a dead animal.

Moral of the story: some leftovers should not be warmed up in the community microwave and then flounced through the building and leisurely piled into your cakehole.

A True Voice of Freedom from the Ashes of September 11th

This open letter was published on the conservative blog newsrebel.com. I am reposting it here because, much like a diamond, it has endless clarity and a carat of truth. AG thinks the part about Canadia is flawless and colourless.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT
OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow
Americans: As you
all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has
been
completed.

Since
congress does not want to spend any more money
on this war, our
mission in
Iraq is complete.

This morning I
gave the order for a complete
removal of all American
forces from Iraq.
This action will be complete
within 30 days. It is now to
begin the
reckoning.

Before me, I have
two lists. One list contains the names
of countries
which have stood by our
side during the Iraqconflict. This
list is short.
The United Kingdom,
Spain,Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland
are some of the
countries listed
there.

The other list contains
everyone not on the first list. Most of
the
world's nations are on that
list. My press secretary will be
distributing
copies of both lists later
this evening.

Let me start
by saying that effective immediately,
foreign aid to
those nations on List 2
ceases immediately and
indefinitely. The money
saved during the first year
alone will pretty
much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.

The
American people are
no longer going to pour money into third
world
Hell-holes and watch
those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a
famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together
with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing
social problems we still have at home. On
that note, a word to terrorist
organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt
you down and eliminate you and
all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy
country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
China.

I am ordering the
immediate severing of diplomatic relations
with
France, Germany, and
Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as
well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed
the Mayor of New York
City to begin towing the many
UN diplomatic vehicles
located inManhattan
with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where
those vehicles
will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't care about
whatever
treaty pertains to this. You creeps
have tens of thousands of
unpaid
tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes,
Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the
finest chop shops in the
world. I love New York .

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is
on
List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other,
you folks
might want to try
not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on
List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt
government really need an
attitude adjustment. I will have a couple
extra
tank and infantry divisions
sitting around. Guess where I am going
to put
em? Yep, border security. So
start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States
is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty
- starting now.

We are tired of the
one-way highway. Immediately,
we'll be drilling
for oil in Alaska - which
will take care of this
country's oil needs for
decades to come. If you're an
environmentalist
who opposes this decision, I
refer you to List 2 above:
pick a country
and move there. They care.

It is time for America to
focus on its
own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of
isolationism. I
answer them by saying,
"darn tootin."

Nearly a
century of
trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only
earned
us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the
planet. It is
time
to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in
America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks
guys. We owe
you
and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought:
You
might want to learn to
speak Arabic.

God bless America.
Thank you
and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If
you are
reading it in
English, thank a soldier.

And we continue...

Happy Birthday to Adorable Girlfriend!

Eyes on the prize!!!

Happy Birthday to the Solar Babe from Sextus Seven!

We are unaware of the customs of the race of Solar Babes, but we extend to the S.B.F.S.7 glorious birthday wishes. We hope that the birthday may have some good feeling and that it can be maintained separately from other 9-11 events. Also, we do not know how old the S.B.F.S.7 is in Earth years, we presume not very due to the vibrance and energy of her love-stun ray currently eliciting Uncanniness from the Uncanny One. Rock on, Solar Babe!

We Raise Our Glasses to Prof. Booty

Because he has done a very very kind thing. If Prof. Booty so desires, we aim to be his instrument for obtaining a New Pornographers shirt at the upcoming show. Of course he will have to fund the venture, but we shall throw in a CD sampler and shipping free. His wish is our command. He is indeed a noble creature.

More Stupid than Pure 100% Distilled Juice of the Stupid Berry

...and we all know how stupid that is. The feigned outrage of Little Green Footballs toward this proposed Flight 93 monument.

They say it looks like a big red Islamic Crescent. Yeah, it does. As Cthulhu points out over at JG's it's BECAUSE THE RED STUFF SHOWS WHERE THE TREES WILL GO. Because most people would be viewing it from space, geniuses. Hmmm, looks like the topography of the region is kind of a bowl shape. I wonder how this memorial would look, to say, people approaching it at eye level? Probably pretty stunning. How many people would think of a "big Islamic crescent"? Probably the same number of people drinking the kool-aid over at LGF. And of course we get some more "nuke them" comments over there. I'll feel a tiny bit bad when Chaz finally has his stroke, but it might improve his brain function. I know, I know ad hominem. I get all crazy when they denigrate Brad R's birthday by tossing around nuclear bombs and idiocy. Full story here.

Happy Birthday, Brad R.

Alas, our nations' youth, celebrating the birthday of Brad R.
Oh, kitty, you should never party with those guys, they're professionals.

Greatest American Hero

GregH tells us that Raw Story has the goods on our newest role model. The man who encouraged Cheney to enjoy himself more described here. He is a Great American Hero- possibly the Greatest.

pop ren has breaking insight into Sussudio

Check comments at Song of the Day.

Cocktail of the Week

Guinness Guy describes the "Sadly, No!"
"Sadly, No!"- a cocktail of vodka, grape juice and antifreeze. It'd taste great, but after recieving notice of the ingredients, the customer's question of "is that safe?" would be answered, of course, "Sadly, No!"

Friday musical revue

This random revue is taken from my iPod and is unbiased. Somehow I am attacked for having music that I actually like on my computer.

1. Green Typewriters - Olivia Tremor Control
In case you're curious, this is the 9:39 song from Dusk at Cubist Castle. There are 9 other tracks of the same name, all of them better than this. I guess ambient music is there for a reason, but this appears to serve the purpose of boring me. The most exciting part is the occasional drip of water. Except in this Chinese water torturous song, you yearn for death at the end. 0.25/10

2. Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft - Langley School of Music
This might be the most haunting and best example of how teaching a group of young school children classic 60s pop tunes can be a religious experience. The bells and percussion are exuberant, slightly out of rhythm, and oh so effective. And the main title lyric is so beautiful when sung by the children. When they sing "We are your friends", it brings a tear to my eyes. The song falters slightly during Tina's solo, but that just makes the chorus so much more rewarding. If only all music were this good. 9.5/10

3. Sali Mali - Super Furry Animals
You can tell this is really old SFA (taken from Mwng), and it is also clearly a B-side track. It's pleasant enough, even if there is a really annoying high pitch synthy accompaniment. But the song neither inspires, nor does it avoid a certain degree of suckiness. A good song for most bands, but a letdown from SFA. 6.5/10

4. Heroes and Villains (Intro) - The Beach Boys
This track is misannotated in my library and is from the Good Vibrations - 30 years of the Beach Boys collection. It is actually part of Mrs. O'Leary's Cow. And not the best part either. This track really doesn't belong among the bootlegs. Oh well. 6/10

5. Yes - Aerogramme
The CD this song comes from, Sleep and Release, has a few very good songs and several bad songs. This is one of the bad songs. It is too loud, almost metal sounding, and lacks a good lyrical sense. This is the kind of music that people that listened to too much Rush growing up write. 5/10

6. Take the Skinheads Bowling - Camper Van Beethoven
This song has some very nifty 80s sounding guitar work. And some not-so-nifty 80s sounding lyrics. To its credit, the song takes it title very seriously. It also has some fun call and refrain. Not bad, but not great. 7/10

7. Only I - The Mull Historical Society
I do like MHS, but it never seems to work well when inserted randomly within other songs. The lyrics and melody are just a little too sappy out of context. It's a sweet song, and very earnest. Just not a great stand-alone track. 7.5/10

8. The Negatives - Hood
I think this track came about from an EW Listen to this recommendation. It's pretty interesting sounding and has diverse instruments, sounds, and rhythms. But it is lacking in good hooks. I think this band could be good. 7/10

9. Dancing in Heaven - Q Feel
This song is pretty good as an 80s dance club song. I could enjoy it there. But not at home on my iPod in random shuffle mode. 6/10

10. Half Man - The Kingsbury Manx
Wow! What a great song to end this revue. Kingsbury Manx are one of my favourite bands, and this track does not disappoint. It is taken from the Afternoon Owls EP, and shows how this superb band keeps pushing and growing their musical range. From the sinister picked guitar to the hushed lyrics, this song almost explodes in quietness during its climax. Just an amazing song. 10/10

And we continue...

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

OK Kids, we do these go arounds, not to name drop- we hope we mention the occasional song that might steer you clear of a bum buy, or maybe jog your memory to remind you to buy something at the record store. You know how you get to the record store, and you just forget everything you want to buy, and end up getting something crappy in the bargain bin cuz it was on sale? Yeah, we know that happens to you to.
UPDATE- I FIXED THE POST, YOU CAN READ THE REST or not
1. Leather-Death in Vegas
Sounds vaguely retro- fuzzy and electronic at the beginning and then goes into a pseudo 80s thing, maybe cross M83 (My Bloody Valentine with synthesizers) and the most organic parts of "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (the synth). This is an instrumental that sounds like it has been in a bunch of movies. From the interesting, maybe more as background music Scorpio Rising. Jedmunds might like this album because it has a Gallagher Bro. cameo. 7/10

2. Gloria (live)-The Doors
I once put this on a mix for my little sis. I think this is a bootleg. I thought it was a fun song. I of course had never bothered to listen to how incredibly dirty it is. Here is a song where you can here that the Doors are actually a tight live outfit, and essentially a jam band, without the noodling. Sounds like Jim is screwing the hell out of a coed, and of course describing every last bit of it. 8/10

3. Supermarket-Tom Tykwer
From the Run Lola Run soundtrack. This is a fun electronic soundtrack, it reminds enough of the film, which I really love, and I think it never gets old. Some people think the repetition is boring, but you always see something new upon watching it over again. The whole soundtrack will eventually be totally dated, but it is listenable. Even with the whisper/talking. 6/10

4. Commit a Crime-Mr. Airplane Man
Boston electric blueswomen cover a Howlin' Wolf classic. All I can say is that these gals lay on thick slabs of electric slide guitar doing the White Stripes only guitar and drums thing. These ladies sound more organic and less derived than the Stripes (although I love them). The songs on Moanin' whence this was taken are more straight ahead, but this album and their new one are both great. And when she just wails "You mixed my drinks/ with a can of Red Devil lye/Then you sit down/ watch me/ hopin' that I might die" it just blows you away. 1 billion/10

5. Random Jay-Z/G'N'R mash-up-DJ Axel
Not entirely unsuccessful mashes up Jay Z (a bunch of ones) with Paradise City by Axl and the boys. Just doesn't hit that perfect mash-up vibe where you hear a new song out of the original two. 4/10

6. Clean My Wounds-Corrosion of Conformity
Possible stoner rock antecedent, way to tight to be grunge, nice and crunchy, not technical enough to be crazy metal, in its own spot. I could probably tell you it was Queens of the Stone Age with a guest vocalist and you'd buy it. Has a nice riff, but is repetitive in the same way as QOTSA. From Deliverance. 7/10

7. I Don't Mind-Buzzcocks
I love the Buzzcocks. I have Operators Manual, a sort of greatest hits. These guys are just great, in a way the songs run together, but I feel like they hit a lot of "Judy Is Punk" type moments (Ramones)- little bits of melody that come out of nowhere. The Ramones can get too cartoonish sometimes (Amandagon just went insane, but she'll never see this) even though I love them, I feel like I might like the Buzzcocks better, as far as super talented shitting out hits 70's punkers go. 8/10

8. The Past and the Pending-The Shins
People that know The Shins might have though all the non-"New Slang" songs made them a one trick pony, but that song, and more particularly this one shows them to be craftsman of the utmost delicacy. A perfect album closer, especially with the French horn- is that what we decided it was, Uncanny? or is it a muted trumpet? Whatever. Awesome. From Oh Inverted World. A google/10.

9. Reverence-The Jesus and Mary Chain
From Honey's Dead, where they added more Alan Moulder-y produced grind and grime to their fuzz. This was their controversial first single where they exclaimed "I want to die like Jesus Christ/I want to die on a bead of spikes/...I want to die just like JFK/I want to die in the USA." I have mixed feelings on this one, the album closing redo "Frequency" where they play it as a strummer and not a grinder, and quote The Modern Lovers' "Roadrunner" ("with the radio on....") is more successful. 6/10

10. The Back of Love-Echo and the Bunnymen
The bass starts the real movement here with the guitar weaving in and out of other lanes, and the stacatto delivery matching the percussion. I love these guys. Perfect 80s new romantic? help me wikipedia? No dice. Whatev. From Porcupine. 8/10

BONUS

11. Powerslave-Iron Maiden
Absolutely TERRIBLE lyrics, but somewhat accurate account of the birth, death and ressurection of Osiris, the Egyptian god of a bunch of stuff. Good example of their ouevre, especially the galloping scale that is repeated throughout. Then it hits a time change, with tasteful solo number 1 (Adrian?) which then probably folds into a different yet still actually tasteful solo (Adrian still?) and then they join for the guitars in harmony, then solo #3 (Dave?), drum breakdown (Nicko), back to the galloping. 6/10

But you get this!

And we continue...

New Three Bulls! Feature

Everyone, please check out our newest sister page, while it is only a red-headed step-sister, we still love it. We are soliciting submissions and will begin posting next week. This is more interactive, but we feel like this is fallow ground, and by God, it shall be plowed.

Find This American Patriot And Reward Him

Think Progress has the video. Listen to our Dear Vice-Leader closely, and hear the words of the people. Let them ring throughout the land. Pandagon was on it, but I knew the Three Bulls! crowd would like to hear it.

Dear Readers, Please Take the Time...

to read this. From James Wolcott who flags this essay illustrating and denouncing the intellecutual vacuity of the insane pro-war crowd. If someone wrote that about me, I would be almost honored. I think I have not ever read a more convincing evisceration, literally dripping with righteous poisonous intent. If you have a spare moment, I urge you to take the 5-10 minutes to read. And of course, watch the video Prof. Booty brings to your attention below, it is much more pleasant and will calm your mind.

Listening too long to one song

Okay, I'm usually the last fucking person to know stuff like this, but hopefully this will impress my co-bloggers. Check out David Cross in the new New Pornographers video, "Use It". Oh so much goodness, I think I may cream my jeans. And then there's this:

And as long as we're on the subject of things that make this world so so wonderful, check out this list of all the things that haven't gone wrong under Bush.

Breaking News! I HAVE THE POWER!

The other night I told David Ortiz to hit a home run for the Red Sox, and he did, therefore I caused him to do so. I am now telling FM Asshat to run amok in his Superman Underoos yelling "I'm the President! I'm the President!"

Explanation here.

M.G.T. Play Along Game

"Hi, I'm John Hinderaker, you might remember me from...."

Your entry in the comments. Your prize, depends on what we can afford from our Shoppe (see sidebar). The winner, at our discretion. The losers, all of America.

Monday Goldberg Theatre

MONDAY GOLDBERG THEATRE

EPISODE 6
Tequila Sunrise over Brokeback Mountain
PLEASE SEE SIDEBAR FOR PREVIOUS EPISODES

And we continue...

I Love Powerline

Powerline writes this about David Frum saying this:

To review the wild, contradictory, and utterly opportunistic charges from the administration's critics is to enter a realm of madness. . . .Is there not something bizarre about their willingness to fire off accusation after accusation, each contradicting the last? The disaster was caused by the Bush administration's failure to protect the environment from global warming .... no, no, it was caused by the administration's refusal to manipulate the environment by funding more levees to control the Mississippi River .... it's Iraq, no it's budget cuts, no it's wetlands, and on and on and on.
Good God, what is wrong with these people? Will they ever learn to see somebody else's misfortune as something more than their political opportunity?

When people die, you want to try to assess whether it could have been prevented, and to prevent it in the future. On top of that, if someone was negligent, i.e. irresponsible (they love that word responsibility), they then should be held accountable (they love that word accountable). So, if you used 9.11 for constant political gain, what does that make you? On the opposite side, how else can one make government work for the people, other than blaming those responsible and in essense, firing them. Yes, firing some douchewads would lead to Democrats' political gain, as well as that of the country. Who's really putting politics and political gain above the well being of the people? Bushwad could fire Brown or Chertoff cuz they are morons, but that wouldn't be politically expedient. I would say the shoe is on the other foot.

Little does John Hinderaker of Powerline know that he's about to be a star of Monday Goldberg Theatre.

Olbermann is Awesome. Carry On.

Read.

We Are Back in the Saddle, and Boy are We Pissed Off.

So NBC was stabbing me in the heart a million times by playing the clip of Jefferson Parish President Broussard completely breaking down discussing the death of an elderly parent of a staff member. This was on the flight back across the country. Video here. I can't discuss the hurricane now, only that Barbara Bush seems to not be the nice old lady we thought she was. Link here. Now that we know Babs is evil like the rest of them, we can imagine her saying a little something to her son. This is giving me a deja vu moment, I know I thought this before, but the quote from the evil Hitchcock mom in Notorious to son played by Claude Raines is appropriate here:

You're protected by the enormity of your stupidity, for a time.

I also saw The Constant Gardener today. I will point you to my conservative friends appreciative review once he gives me a link. I will (not) briefly discuss the films merits and possible failures.

Any film regardless of true merit can be deemed a success or a failure based on one simple metric: did I enjoy watching it, and did I find it compelling? The answer for this one is I found it to be emotionally compelling and intellectually damning concerning European and American imperialist and post-colonial policy in Africa. This is to say nothing of Big Pharma. The bogeyman in this film could have easily been Foreign Policy, mining interests or an oil company, if only Africa had oil to speak of. As for the "love" story, it could not have been more conservative. A sexually liberal woman ultimately redeems her insulated and repressed husband. I feel like Twisty Faster will hate the film, unless she has a secret love of Graham Greene, to whom this film and any Englishman amongst the world film really owes a debt.

As to much criticism of the film, the arguments are specious and ad hoc. Here are some- the film "doesn't truly care" about the plight of Africans, it is "merely using them for its own interests." I find this to be interesting. In this case, is it then therefore impossible to fictionally represent actual truths of any minority or non-Western culture in a commercial film? This is total cobaggery.

Second: the film has been criticised for the depiction of native Africans and poor Kenyan neighborhoods as almost fetishistic in the color and lighting, and it almost enshrines them and their suffering with a false nobility. I find it pretty hilarious that conservodroids fall back on their dusty copies of Susan Sontag's "On Photography" for this criticism. I think they forgot the reason they owned that book was to mock it. It just doesn't hold water.

Third: the movie is said to be unfair in criticism of big pharma. This is also ridiculous. The movie is fiction, the proposition that a corporation of any kind could have less than stellar motives is not necessarily a criticism of all corporations or even capitalism for that matter. We could easily have ethically upstanding corporations that played by the rules, hence Capitalism does not have to be evil. Since we have voluminous evidence of corporate graft and malfeasance to the contrary of the notion of "Enlightened Corporatism", there is no problem in having a corporate bad actor in collusion with corruption both Western and African, because what drives corruption, money and power, and who has that?

Finally, I single out this douchebag extraordinaire at FilmCritic.com.

And I quote:

That not a shred of blame for the continent’s dire situation is placed on Africa's corrupt, homegrown governments reveals The Constant Gardener’s unbalanced political agenda, but such disingenuousness is part and parcel of a film in which Pete Postlethwaite’s Dr. Lorbeer says, without a trace of irony, “Big pharmaceuticals are up there with arms dealers.”

You have got to be kidding me. Apparently he was in the bathroom where the film explicity showed Africa govt. corruption and ruthless African thugs doing ruthless things. I have a question for our sad, misguided reviewer: where does the money and influence come from that leads Africa into this den of poverty, despair, corruption and violence? Could it not be centuries of colonial and post-colonial rule? Could it not be the exploitation and graft of western countries in their desire for African resources? Could it not be the ridiculous health policy of the current administration that desires Africans to only practice abstinence in the face an AIDS onslaught? What about the destabilization of democratically elected govts and the propping up of ruthless dictators? Just how do entire swaths of the African populace become armed? Given that Western capital could easily be posited as the engine of African government corruption, why would the blame better fall upon the Africans desperation driven ethical deficiencies rather than our own, which seem to lack any compelling excuses besides greed?

Finally, our intrepid reviewer states:

Meirelles’ film takes the stand of Bob Geldof’s recent Live 8 concerts, which claimed to be about shining a spotlight on Africa yet were instead venues for narcissistic whites who believe that the only way to save Africa is through Caucasian intervention. Look at all the despondent dark-skinned natives, Meirelles’ supercilious film asks of us, and now watch some decent, righteous light-skinned folks come to their aid.

As mentioned above, since Western bad actors as a whole can be considered driving forces in African corruption (which is explicitly shown in the film to collaborate whole-heartedly with Caucasian moneyed interests), why the hell would it be wrong to suggest that those with power could ultimately be part of the solution. I will actually go out on a limb and consider this quote from our reviewer to be racist in its core, the sad thing is I have no idea of the ethnicity of our reviewer, he could easily be African in descent as this sort of rhetoric can be heard on both sides of the racial divide. In considering the problems and solutions to Africa's troubles, I do not think the film need give time to the "Africa, heal thyself" solution, this could only be valid in the absence of continued outsider malfeasance.

As for criticism that the film used natives as essentially wallpaper for the story of a white man's theatre of narcissism, I would counter that with the argument that the entire story was told for a Western audience by a Western writer about a Western character. Perhaps no Westerners should have been included, and only Kenyan characters used. Of course the critcism then would have been that the characters rang hollow, they appeared to be too noble and that they were merely devices for the Western screenwriters false enshrinement of blah blah blah blah. You could make an "Orientalist" type argument for any possible permutation of this film, therefore it ceases to be useful. These arguments essentially suggest that there could be no possible way to show anything related to African poverty and problems. They are just complete bunk. A criticism that the film treats Africans as essentially teeming, faceless, colorful masses could easily be countered with how are they considered even at all in America? There are many small details in the film that are not underlined for the more brain dead in the audience.

These things being said, the two most chilling scenes: an inteview between Ralph Fiennes character and the local police that illustrates the enormity of corruption and the ease with which any disenfranchised person could be snuffed out. Second, the depiction of a Darfur-like attack on a Sudanese village that perhaps can be called a pulled punch regarding the genocide and atrocities in that country. What is most compelling is that Darfur is not mentioned in the film and much of the audience would not know that the anatomy of the attack shown is probably legitimate in every way except that it probably lacks for scope of true barbarity.

A must-see film, not necessarily for its story (as easily criticised as The English Patient which I loved). Not necessarily for its direction (can be criticised for its possibly auterish excess, although I considered the Malick-esque naturalism to be stunning and important for giving room in the film to contemplate the absolute atrocities both shown and implied and the soul-crushingly enormity of the poverty). Not necessarily for the acting (I found it to be perfectly understated and opaque at times, others might find it inexpressive). An easily criticizable, possibly too slow (I found it meditative) film that I would urge you to see, as the Three Bulls! audience are not merely sheep of the left or raving right wing loonies, and whatever personal drawbacks one might have, I don't think the film will leave you unaffected.
If anyone ever read this far, I'd like comments if you've seen the film. Chester?

Friday, September 30, 2005

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

The Other Face of Evil

Three Bulls Health Corner, UPDATE

Three Bulls Health Corner, Episode 2

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Recuerdo de Mexico!@

Overheard on the Internets IV

Who the HELL let Trollypants in here?????

Overheard on the Internets III

Overheard on the Internets II

Overheard On The Internets I

Three Bulls! issues fatwa

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Nerdblog Thunderdome

Thank You Bacon Jesus!*

Three Bulls Health Corner, Episode 1

Special Guest Post by PupH

Delay Indicted!!!

The Most Important News Item EVER

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

When you're smilin', the whole world smiles with you

Greetings from Mexico!!!@!1!

I Was Just Over at Some Super Smart Person Bog

Monday, September 26, 2005

So The Editors Don't Actually Love Us, And In Fact May Hate Us

The Poor Man Gives a Shout Out to Asshat!!!!!

Song of the Day Link Fixed

Appropriate Wingnut 80's Songs

Baghdad Calling

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Hitting the Club, Old School

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Countdown to Kingsbury Manx

Friday, September 23, 2005

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

Friday musical revue

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Because This Whole Exercise of Existence is Futility

Dit-effing-to

Bootzilla Strikes Back!

The Most Important News Item EVER

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Blue Girls Says Go Here

Bacanora or Bacanono – We Report You Decide

Read Song of the Day today, contemplate it.

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Blogger is Freaking Out

Life's Hard Lessons

As a total dorkwad...

I saw the news today, oh boy!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Salsaghetti: Friend or Foe?

A Very Special and Important Update to Our Blogroll

SPECIAL EDITION MERCH!! LIMITED!*

Yo ho ho, The Howler Be Speaking a Hard Truth Today

A tale o' woe bringin a tear to my hearties

Musical Menagerie: You Pick ‘em I’ll Buy ‘em

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I just banned someone for the first time

BREAKING NEWS

Field Marshal Insensitive Extraordinaire, Asshat

MYSTERY ART BAGE

Pitchfork Cobaggery

Friday, September 16, 2005

Aborted Rant of the Day

As If Our Entire Existence Weren't A Norbiz Ripoff

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dear Governor Perry of Texas

Me. Ow. Barrachus says

Hi, My Name is Hilzoy

Hi, My Name is Norbiz

Hi, My Name is The Editors

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Stinky Food Girl

Thanks, RSS news feed. I feel better.

The Hottest Young Conservative Writer On The Internets