Friday, September 30, 2005

Friday Music Pooper Shooter


Courtesy of WOXY once again, truly random, truly 10. Plus one.
1. Black Star-Radiohead
“Filler” from the Bends. It shows how far this band has come when a perfectly nice rock, swirly Bends track seems almost passé. 6.7/10

2. Shuffle You Feet-Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
BRMC drop their Jesus and Mary Chain fetish for a 60s strum-folk filtered through Dylan, the La’s and obscure Brit indie like My Drug Hell. I know Seitz is more into this than me for sure. But basically this isn’t that far a step from their previous, except they unplugged basically. I wish they had stayed plugged in. 5/10 for boringness, execution is just fine.

3. This Is the Way-Devendra Banhart
Anthony and the Johnsons and Joanna Newsome and DB constitute this wave of what I would consider chamber folk. It is totally tasteful and really quite good. He doesn’t do it for me, maybe this song isn’t sad enough, or maybe his vibrato isn’t doing it for me. Personally I think it just needs a massively depressing music video and I would be all over it. 7/10

4. The Holiday Song (Treated)-Frank Black
Frank from Frank Black (himself) and also the Pixies of course, with some Memphis? horns. This song actually sounds more prog or weird in away, the horns don’t hit you in that old R/B way, it seems older than that, or weirdly programmed. Interesting. 6/10

5. Curious-Holopaw
Whoa. A crazy voice. In between the Cocteau Twins lady and the Iron and Wine guy. With a scratchy throat. Over some plucky guitar and some strings. Hmmm. Unrated. I need to get used to the voice, which isn’t that weird really, just weird enough.

6. Eskimo-Versus
Chugga chugga indie blah. 4/10

7. At Home He’s a Tourist-Gang of Four
Whether this is new or old, it’s them doing their herky-jerky twang-a-lang. Messers Franz and Ferdinand laugh all the way to the bank, cuz they dressed it up for the VIP lounge and twang-a-langed and added a DUN DUN DUN right into your ex’s (she dumped you) Papasan chair, and you are pissed. 7/10

8. Sorry About Your Irony-El Ten Eleven
Should be a 10 on the title alone. The intro sounds a little Police-y actually, in a “wrapped around…” outro way. Huh. Uh oh, feeling a little weird now, starting to sound instrumental-ly. Like the Vegans of indie these guys seem to be. Sorry about that dudes, you can’t blow a cool title like that on a pleasant, but albeit vocal-less-instrumental. You have 5 seconds to start singing……you lose. 3/10

9. Leaves Do Fall-The Rosebuds
Is this a cover? Like some psychedelic cowboy music. Hmmm. 6/10
10. Instruments of Action-Forget Cassettes
Awesome 20 seconds start, then downhill. I don’t want to listen to the rest. It’s probably OK, but I want something different and better. Ooh, it has so me cool rocking bits at the end. I think these guys might be like a bad Fiery Furnaces. But I really can’t tell because FF is beyond me at this juncture. 4/10

Bonus:

11. I’ll Believe in Anything-Wolf Parade
I forget why these guys are the shit. Some people are in them from somewhere else. This song comes across like an organic Gary Numan. No really. It does, and I like it. 8/10

And we continue...

The Other Face of Evil

This man wants to force RR to eat oatmeal.



Just because Pops got the team from the Judge and the Aliens helped him to live forever doesn't mean he can force feed us oatmeal.

I also hear he's going to post bail for Asshat, Trollypants and Shortssniffer in Mexico. No one is safe!

And we continue...

Three Bulls Health Corner, UPDATE

I couldn't wait, here's the update from RR:

He writes:
I found my 237 cholestorol rating when getting life insurance about 4 weeks ago. A test I took with a real doctor came last week came back and stated the cholestorol was 203. 203 is still worth worrying about but less alarming than 237. The same result of low HDL to LDL cholestorol was maintained, however, the total is significantly different. All possible causes for variance:


1. I fasted on first test (no food midnight-8AM); 2nd test I had only fasted about 5 hours between breakfast and test; that could skew reading but I would think mainly on blood sugar type readings, not cholestorol (comments here from science guy?)
2. 3 weeks time difference - however, I don't think it's possible for cholestorol to drop that much in 3 weeks, esp since I had not yet started lifestyle modification program
3. Dishonesty by life insurance company (I had self-reported cholestorol at 190-200 to get my preliminary quote, they used the higher reading to justify a higher premium)


I will go in for more bloodwork in a week or two with a full fasting type thing like on the first test - assuming the impact of lifestyle modifcation is small (it takes a fair amount of time), we will see whether theory #1 or theory #3 is at play. I hope I get a low reading and theory #3 is shown to be true - partially for my own health, but partially because it may expose a collusive arrangement between Big Life Insurance and Big Oatmeal. They will launch an investigation, and I'll testify before Congress. It will be great.

And we continue...

Three Bulls Health Corner, Episode 2

The Random Randroid updates us on his health situation in his entertaining way.

He writes:
The 237 cholestorol reading was legitimate fasting; however, the suspicious part is that I did it as part of a physical for a life-insurance policy, and they used the high reading to justify the charging of a higher premium than they originally quoted. So they have incentive to inflate the results. I asked to be sent the results of the bloodwork and have yet to receive that, further adding to my suspicion. Still, it sounds too dangerous to fake the reading.

I am going to go to a real doctor and get a real reading as well. Theoretically he also has incentive to exaggerate the readings, but less so than the evil insurance company.

The diet is going ok. I have found that I can eat oatmeal for breakfast provided that I add raspberries to it (raspberries are much higher in fiber than you would think). The diet basically revolves around a low number of calories (1800 per day) and a high amount of fiber (from what I can tell at least 40g per day). It's a little easier to stick to the diet in that high-fiber foods tend to fill you up more than regular foods, so you aren't as hungry.

I probably won't stick strictly to the diet. But if my old eating habits were a 0 and the diet ideal is a 1, I can get myself to 0.6 at least, which probably helps a lot. As for increasing cardio exercise from my current 2-3x30mins per week to 5x30mins per week, that sounds like a lot of work.

And we continue...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Recuerdo de Mexico!@

In which another excerpted missive from one of our trolls is presented without regard to the sensibilities of the gentle reader.

...and then she says to me, “you filthy pig get out of here!” LOL!!!@! Can you believe it?!!!LOL!

Oh and one last thing LIBERALACE, Cpt. Trollypants IM’ed me and said that Pinko Commo was having a bad day! So Sad!! !!1!! So since it was ‘craft day’ here at the Carcel De Los Locos I thought I wo0d make him a present to cheer him up, a little photo montage of Maj. Shortsniffer and his cat!!11!

Oh does the lil’ Candee bar constantly degrade PinkiePunkadero? So Sadly, Yes!!1! Maybe he should have another Cape Cod or Daiquiri to cheer himself up!1! ROFLMAO!...

… ADIOS & EAT IT!!1!

Unsincerely,
F.M. Asshat
(aka Jefe Pinche Cobagerismo Chignon!)

And we continue...

Overheard on the Internets IV


Brad R: Hey Gavin M, pull my finger.

Gavin M: NO WAY, not again.

Brad R: C'mon, it will be funny.

Gavin M: I'm not doing it, cobag.

Brad R: The Editors always does.

Gavin M: No way.

Brad R: Totally way.

Gavin M: Fine. *pulls finger*

Brad R: *poot*

Gavin M: COME ON!!! JEEZ!

Brad R: SUCKAZ! EAT IT COBAGS!

And we continue...

Who the HELL let Trollypants in here?????

Heads are going to roll cobags. Why not just give Iron Fist the friggin' keys to the jacuzzi?

And we continue...

Overheard on the Internets III



fulsome: Hey Pinko, you're so rad!

Pinko Punko: No way, fulsome, you're way radder. Nay, the raddiest!

fulsome: Nah unh. You are. I LOVE your blog, it's way rad.

Pinko Punko: NO WAY. Yours is way better. Chuckles ROCKS!

fulsome: I love Thai food!

Pinko Punko: and terrorists!

fulsome: yeah.

Pinko Punko: Me too.


And we continue...

Overheard on the Internets II


Yosef: I'm outta here. Gotta hit the gym.

GregH: Hey, me too! I love the gym.

Yosef: I'm gonna marry the gym.

GregH: No way.

Yosef: Way.

GregH: Cool.

Yosef: One more thing...

GregH: Yeah?

Yosef: Gymmy gymmy gymmy gym gym. gym. gymmy gym!

GregH: Gym?

Yosef: Word.


And we continue...

Overheard On The Internets I

Iron Fist: I'm the douchiest douche that ever douched, and I totally want to cobag you and have your babies.

Atlas Shrugged: You can only have my babies if you don't tell Chazmo I'm not saving myself for him. I'm hoping he'll notice me when I go on tour with Phish.

Iron Fist: Hey, I hate it when moonbats issue fatwas against candy bars. They are totally aping their terrorist boyfriends and hating America. I am the original big Kat. They can Take Five up their bumholes.

Atlas Shrugged: You're making me hot. You may have my babies.

Iron Fist: Would you be mad if I told you Phish broke up?

Atlas Shrugged: Cobag.

Ed. note: This bizarre conversation is trumped only by reality. Please go to Sadly, No SELECT for more.


And we continue...

Three Bulls! issues fatwa

against the Big Kat.

No, not Andres Galarraga, this:

It's first and foremost offense against Three Bulls! is the fact that it is now occupying (and brutally so) the slot reserved for Take Five in the basement candy machine. The Big Kat occupying force must be destroyed, and the usually preferred method of "break" "me" "off" "a" "piece" "of" "that" "Kit" "Kat" "bar" is ineffective against this monstrosity. It is the greatest of the Great Satans. And it must be vanquished.

And we continue...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Nerdblog Thunderdome

We thought better of our nefarious plot to strand Fulsome of Well-rounded Nerds in the urine-soaked Tenderloin of San Francisco, and retrieved him from the false address we had slipped him for the Thai-food and New Pornographers fest. We had parachuted in with the Three Bulls! mobile from points unknown. We had several goals in mind for the evening. One of them was Thai House Express’ #40. The Uncanny One can vouch for this dish. Basically Thai carnitas. Maybe I’m a little pork obsessed, but I would guarantee Yosef would offer me a duel for the last hunk, and he’s a pork aficionado.

After deciding to spare Fulsome's life, we settled into a pretty good Thai meal at the corner of Geary and Larkin in SF. In addition to Three Bulls! sacrament #40, Tom Yum Goong (shrimp hot and sour soup) was pretty good. Other standouts were a minced duck salad with lime and cilantro (hey, Iron Fist, before you criticise a) try it, b) don't have such a cobaggy handle). The grilled beef salad was pretty good, and the green curry was OK, but should have melted my head off, and my head was distinctly unmelted. Pla Rad Som (Salmon fried with house special sauce and crispy basil was meh). We then proceeded to go to the show- The New Pornographers with Destroyer and Immaculate Machine.

Destroyer was interesting. Destroyer is basically Dan Bejar from the New Pornographers and people he gets to play with him. In this case it was the drummer and bassist from the NPs and another guy on guitar. He didn't play anything from his casiotone last album, much to the chagrin of the crowd. He also doesn't say a word to anyone really. The songs were pretty good, but my feeling was it would have been awesome if they were New Pornographerasized. Show started way early so we missed most of the opener's set. This is the band that Carl Newman's niece plays in (and she plays with NPs now too). Their last song "You're So Cynical" was pretty good.

As for the NPs. Well, they are consumate pros. They are gonna give you a show and Fulsome and I tried to out nerd each other for pogoing and showering the band with love. I saw Fulsome look below Neko's voicebox a couple of times, bashfully of course, contrary to his stated take. She's way too much for anyone with a webpage, but they do right by their fans just the same. Besides a pedal prob of Carl's the sound was great, I didn't have to put my earplugs in, and the sound wasn't muddied or trebly at all. Of all the shows I've been too at Bimbo's they had their sound the most right (I'm looking at you The Walkmen).

All the new songs were awesome, the crowd was well behaved if a little docile, the band probably bantered too much (not that they werenot entertaining, they broke Fulsome’s heart by axing “Jessica Numbers” after aborting starting it a couple of times because of Steve Perry banter.

Set list for the show, Sept. 27 at the Bimbo’s 365 club on Columbus in North Beach.

Song (album)
Twin Cinema (TC)
Use It (TC)
From Blown Speakers (EV)
Mass Romantic (MR)
Judy JACKIE (god, I have Judy Miller ont he BRAIN) Dressed in Cobras (TC)
The Bones of an Idol (TC)*
The Body Says No (MR)
The Bleeding Heart Show (TC)
The Laws Have Changed (EV)
Broken Beads (TC)
Streets of Fire (TC)
The Fake Headlines (MR)
It’s Only Divine Right (EV)
Bones of an Idol (TC)
All for Swinging You Around (EV)
My Slow Descent into Alcoholism (MR)
Sing Me Spanish Techno (TC)
----
Execution Day (MR)
Letter From an Occupant (MR)
Breaking the Law (MR)
---
Miss Teen Wordpower (EV)
Star Bodies (TC)
Electric Version (EV)
Testament to Youth In Verse (EV)

UPDATE Views on the next night's show at Bimbo's here and here. Playa hatin' here.

*Somebody ruined this song by dropping the stankiest ass fart EVER. It did not smell like a Thai food fart, so I absolve our party of wrongdoing. It smelled like evil and death.

This should be basically correct, (Fulsome- do you remember the second encore is as I have it? I put away my VWR marker at that point- there is a possibility of “Broken Beads” and “Star Bodies” being mixed up, but I don't think so). Most requested song not played: “The New Face of Zero and One” (which is a bummer because it's great live)

Most missed out: “Falling Through Your Clothes”, "Stacked Crooked"

Only disappointment: the guitar sound on “The Bones of an Idol” that Prof. Booty loves wasn’t nearly as slide-y and didn’t quite hit it, kind of like Radiohead only hits that awesome guitar part at the end of “The Bends” (“I wanna live, breathe, I wanna be part of the human race…”) 50% of the time.

Obviously the only annoying thing was the lame audience trying to have a rapport with the band. There were a million requests shouted etc. And some girl repeating some Canadian free health care "joke". I admit I yelled out "Testament" when there was one song left and Carl asked "any requests?" but only after someone else did, and what do you know, they played it, so not too shabby. It is a crowd favorite. I wish they would milk it live with the "no no no no no" at the end, but they play the exact same number as on the record, but it was great to hear Bejar sing it. Surprsingly the Bejar numbers almost seemed more popular than the Neko "hits" as Carl calls them. "Jackie Dressed in Cobras" might be song of the year after hearing it live, and "Star Bodies" totally killed.

As for total nerdburger-dom, Fulsome ain't got shit on Pinko Punko, I was undercover as internet cobag, so I sang along (quietly) to all songs and was jumping up and down, trying to unblock my arteries and have a good time.

And we continue...

Thank You Bacon Jesus!*

Where have you been all my life? How I needed thou whenst attacked by the vicious murine insurgent yesterday! If this were scratch and sniff I truly would be dead and in the land of milk and honey rivers. Chip passes the info to us, and we receive it like manna from heaven.
Although I think Gregor should refrain unless he wants PupH to chew his booboo off in his sleep. Also this company is officially the best company ever as they have categories for "bacon/meat" "monkeys" "sushi" "catapults" and EFFING "PIRATES!!!!" and even this!!!
WHAT THE EFF? My fave store ever! (Sorry Tease 'N Keys!)

*Bacon Jesus is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cookie Jesus. We also take a moment to thank Cookie Jesus for the Take Five bar.

And we continue...

Three Bulls Health Corner, Episode 1

The Random Randroid has a hard time with the internets, although he actually owns an internet company. Let's just file this under the category of Cornelius Vanerbilt possibly not knowing how a train works. Anyhoo, the RR is undertaking a lifestyle change that appears might be relevant for the Three Bulls! demographic, based on our market research.

The RR writes to us:
I received the first seriously (if not urgently) bad health news of my life. My cholestorol is 237, with a bad HDL/LDL ratio (6 to 1). A couple of years ago I had been in the 190 area - borderline but manageable. Mon pere has cholestorol issues. We don't know if my grandfather or great-grandfather did, but based on their life outcomes it seems pretty likely. So now I'm facing an uphill battle.

As I viewed this increase to be unacceptable, I sought medical attention. Since we don't want to do medication - first we try "lifestyle modification" - I was put on this crap diet and told to exercise a lot more.

So, at the age of 30-ish, I face the tradeoff - eat well but experience my first "incident" in my 50s, or live a long life of oatmeal? Pinko knows that I favor Existence over Life, so my first attempt will be to stick with the diet. I'm starting it today and man, it sucks. This diet f'ing sucks. How does a man in America live on 1800 calories a day? Since when is 5 Triscuits a "snack"? Jesus, this will be hard.


Highest cholesterol (I'm looking at you Mr. Deep-dried Take 5 bar) wins a Three Bulls! branded Quaker oatmeal tub (seriously). Let's see those numbers in comments.

And we continue...

Special Guest Post by PupH

I’m so hungry. All I dream about all day long is food but Samsa never feeds me. I’m left searching the interwebs looking for pictures of food but never have I seen a picture so scrumpsdelidelicious as this:

KAT PIE!!!!!! Oh it makes my mouth water just thinking about it! But not just any KAT but a special lil’ KAT named Mason. Mason looks like Audrey Hepburn except he’s a KAT and he looks so delicious and filling. *pant pant*

(Editor's Note: Mason is the cat of the brilliant and beautiful HooHawes and her consort HubbyHawes). While we concur with PupH’s considered opinion that Mason is imminently pie-worthy we certainly would never condone such action on PupH’s part.)

DOUBLE UPDATE: Did PupH just Pie-blog? For more pie-blogging check the worlds only (other) source: here, here, here, here, here, here, here. IT IS THE FAFBLOG>

And we continue...

Delay Indicted!!!

Oh my golly! Someone please arrange a care package filled with PB slices and Pringles Prints! He will be hard pressed to spread PBandJ with a plastic knife and he will need Prof. P to help him work out in the yard!

And we continue...

The Most Important News Item EVER

3B! loves food.

Honestly. After the post about putting stuff on cats became a discussion on the finer points of the delicious Take 5 candy bar, it hit me. It hit me like a diamond. A diamond bullet right to the brain. Everyone at this site loves food! All 7 of us 3 Bulls, the lovely Geenie Cola, all the esteemed commenters, and fulsome! We just love food. All kinds of food. I mean, Delish or Disgusting, a site which is loosely related to 3B! somehow (sorry, PP. I haven't read that page in the 3B! manifesto you sent me) is all about food (Spoiler Alert: it's all delicious!)

So when I came across this story on CNN.com, I knew this could be the new most important story ever (unless Ben Affleck becomes a senator in Va.)

Just imagine: a giant vat of marinara sauce, placed ever so lovingly beside a never-ending supply of...


A heck of a lot of Calamari!

UPDATE:
For PupH: Decline of the Redneck Riviera (don't forget from the enchanting Stephanie "for your login needs...
EP@JUNO.COM
123456

And we continue...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

When you're smilin', the whole world smiles with you

Hey, Pinko, cheer up and go look at this

Brad and Gavin wouldn't know what to do with that site.

And we continue...

Greetings from Mexico!!!@!1!

Wherein true cobaggery is defined.

I received this thoughtful e-mail from F.M. Asshat, still trapped and still syphilis-addled somewhere in Mexico. Most of the message and the attached pictures are just too filthy to share but here’s a little snippet:

…This is a picture of the courtyard of the hotel were I’m staying!! It’s called El Cárcel de Locos witch sounds very romantic but let me tell you this place is el dumpo LOL!1! I only want to show it to you because the Enfermeras tell me that the graffiti is very pro BUSH!!1!! If even the Spainish love Dear Leader its’ disgusting that you LIBRUL NANCY BOYZ are so disrespectful!!!!!.!!1! SO EAT IT!!!!@1...

...BTW the Enfermas call me “ jefe pinche cobagerismo chignon,” which they tell me means strong and handsome muscle man in American so you guys can justSUCKit!!1!….

Delightful isn’t he?

And we continue...

I Was Just Over at Some Super Smart Person Bog

You can tell by the name "Reasoned Audacity". Anyhoo, why do they always have names like that? "Seasoned Perspicacity" "Incontinent Globality" "Stultified Mustard" "Cudgeled Brainstem".

I had to comment because the very important topic of the Pepsico CEO eating at the White House. Apparently nothing is more un-American than Pepsi (even though Branson, MO is a total Pepsi town). I mean they sponsor Jeff Gordon (head over to TBOGG for some roundabout linkies), right? Anyway, because the way they worky comments over there at Incarcerated Perspiration is that you can't really do it, they gots to get screened, I had to post this here. They totally cast aspersions against chocolate-cardamom-mango-cashew ice cream. Now, obviously that would be like eating a mouthful of al Zarqawi's insurgent whip, but you know it probably would be pretty good.

I was all:

"I hate to tell ya, but that ice cream is probably pretty good. I had some cardamom-fig-mango ice cream at an Afghani place once and it was yummy. Don't you think, BTW, that this is possibly the lamest topic to be posting on, besides the yummy ice cream?"

UPDATE: if this is some total guerrila marketing by Coke, hats off guys, you've taken cynical to a new level. Charmaine the shill is genius! I mean, thank Gee oh Dee that P-line is on the train (holla, Michelle, Tameka and Tanya!) railing against Pepseroni, I mean it's like they are torturing us. P-line stands up to torture (yeah yeah, it's old news, whatev). Classy.

And we continue...

Monday, September 26, 2005

So The Editors Don't Actually Love Us, And In Fact May Hate Us

so whatev. We will tough it out. What I wanted to not talk about right now is this malaise creeping over myself. Could it be that tonight's Arrested Development was possible the worst episode of the series? I'm sure Jedmunds will post about it, and either agree or disabuse us of that notion. Please feel free to continue to quote on our AD thread, we're still going for the record.

Maybe AD couldn't do it for me, because I need some harder stuff, some stuff to clean out the horrible taste of torture that's just bringing me down.

We have the Human Rights Watch report (the General here, discussed by Hilzoy here, Norbiz here). We havd the nowthatsf*ckedupdotcom situation where American soldiers are trading atrocity pics for amatuer porn. respublica suitably furious here. Americablog on the case here. Of course there is the three stooges affair that was Pat Tillman's death. New details from the San Francisco Chronicle here.

Was it the utter disregard for any semblance of competence that led FEMA to "hire" Mike Brownie back as a consultant (Raw Story reporting on CBS news' report)? Why should they have to pay for that, shouldn't they have gotten all they needed out of his exit interview?

REMA, I mean FEMA: "Brownie what did we do wrong during our disaster management of Katrina"

Brownie: "Well, I pretty much screwed the pooch when I was in charge, but I can't know for sure what I was thinking, I'm just giving you my outsider's opinion."

I can't tell what is getting me down. I really can't. What will it take for me to have the balls to criticize the "troops" for these horrible actions? I'm not damning them all to hell, but this admin is putting these kids through a meat grinder, and won't take any responsibility for screwing them up, or for placing already screwed up people in the field. The administration loves the idea of individual freedom and individual responsibility, but in this case it is everything about the system that is causing the problems. The system is employing borderline personalities. The system is allowing grey areas to fester and essentially allowing this behavior to happen. They have completely lost all discipline and the ability for enlisted men and women to have confidence in their officers, Armed Forces policy, or US military objectives. On top of that they are horrendously overworked. On extra top of that, many if these individuals should just not be in the Army, period. I am not anti-armed forces, but we do not have a "professional army" by any stretch of the imagination. We have a horrible, insular Military culture that breeds inefficiency and cronyism. The use and abuse of Pat Tillman's name shows that to be the case. I think what we have is proof that the cold-hearted cynics we believe this Administration to be are not quite as cynical as we thought, I mean are they so cynical that they would knowingly destroy the effectiveness and infrastructure of the US Armed Forces? Totally delusional would make me feel better that's for sure.

I only know one thing, and that is tonight's Arrested Development was just terrible, and it couldn't have been the show, could it? I really had to look elsewhere, and there were just too many damn places to look.

And we continue...

The Poor Man Gives a Shout Out to Asshat!!!!!

In a reprise of our fave post ever at TPM cafe, The Poor Man gives Asshat and Trollypants a shout out!! Note this line from Dear Leader!

"Bring it ooooooooooonnnnnn! You got nuthin! YOU GOT NUTHIN!@!!”

Total heart.

Last but not least, the ever-so-true description of Brit Hume as a large and unspeakably evil asteroid.

Now get over there Trollz, and show him how it's done!

And we continue...

Song of the Day Link Fixed

Sorry, all is now well with Blogger, perhaps.

And we continue...

Appropriate Wingnut 80's Songs

I'll start 'em off:

Mickey Kaus- "Sex Dwarf"-Marc Almond
Jeff Gannon- "Brand New Lover"-Dead of Alive

Karl Rove (a la Rude Pundit)- "Master and Servant"-Depeche Mode
John Hinderaker- "No New Tale to Tell"- Love and Assrockets

I'll update this with the definitive list from comments.

And we continue...

Baghdad Calling

Sorry, boys.

Baghdad Calling
LGF Records 2005

1-2-3-4!
Hey, hey!
Ooh!

Jimmy’s outside but you can’t take him back for the drama of design
They hit him in the back and see the long arm dropped over the school cuisines
They say now back and hands facing the sidewalk as they slowly click on

What are we gonna do now?
Taking off his turban, they said, is this man al Qaeda?
’Cos working for the clampdown
They put up a poster saying we earn more than you!
When we're working for the Chazmo
We will teach our lizardoid speech
To the young believers
We will train our blue-eyed men
To be young believers

The judge said five to ten but I say double that again
I'm not working for the Chazmo
No man born with a living soul
Can be working for the Chazmo
Kick over the wall 'cause government's to fall
How can you refuse it?
Let fury have the hour, anger can be power
D'you know that you can use it?

The voices in your head are calling
Lizards rise up, dhimmitude is coming
Only a Klinton would turn the other way
Clickin’ and clackin on the keyboard
You don’t need to fight, we’re doing it at home now
Guard the Cheetos with your life, their coming for you

You grow up and you calm down and
You're working for Chazmo
You start wearing the leather and green and
You're working for the Chazmo
So you got someone to boss around
It makes you feel big now
You drift until you brutalize
You made your first kill now

In these days of evil presidents
Working for the Chazmo
But lately one or two has fully paid their due
For working for the Chazmo
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong!
Working for the Chazmo
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong!
Working for the clampdown

Yeah I’m working hard in Harrisburg
Working hard in Petersburg
Working for the clampdown
Working for the clampdown
Ha! Gitalong! Gitalong
Begging to be melted down
Gitalong, gitalong
Work
Work
And I give away no secrets – ha!
Work
More work
Work
Work

And we continue...

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Hitting the Club, Old School

Saturday night club mix, for the 80s kids. This was basically the retro night featured at Industry (RIP) a pretty great club in Pontiac, Michigan on Tuesday nights ca. 1992-1995. The name of the night was “Homesick” and they packed them in, on a Tuesday night. Being a Tuesday night, it wasn’t your usual sausage festival, not like young Punko was going to be scoring with anyone, anyway. Sigh, it’s broken up into three convenient mixes, for driving there while their simulcasting on 89X, one for when you get there trying to find your groove, and third for when you find it.


1. I Want Candy (Extended 12” Mix)-Bow Wow Wow.
Ah those were the days when Malcolm McLaren could go to Southeast Asia and come back with a 15 year dynamo, and then pose her naked on the album cover a la Manet’s “Luncheon on the Grass” or some such thing. What a scumbag. Has that “eatin’ a sandwich Adam and the Ants beat. These guys were fun.

2. Work (For Love)-Ministry
Al Jourgenson in his With Sympathy phase. He sounds so English and my god what did they turn into. This isn’t even 5% the goth that “Everyday is Halloween” and that wasn’t 5% as abrasive as “Stigmata”. Euro-trash electro disco. Awesome in that ironic time-capsule way. WORK! *for love*/whisper

3. Situation (Move Out)-Yaz
I hate this song. It is only here for accuracy.

4. Cars-Gary Numan w/Fear Factory
This isn’t historically accurate, but the extra crunch and menace of Fear Factory essentially make this an awesome remake. Get your robot swerve on.

5. Uncertain Smile (Original 12” mix)-The The
Kind of a bear to deal with on the dance floor, as it’s not a dance tune, and it’s 10 minutes and it has a problematic flute solo (Pinko Punko gets a rash from flute solos). However the Xylophone or whatever and piano etc, and the general awesomeness of the song gives it a pass. The The seem to have been all but forgotten, but Matt Johnson is a talented guy, and they are worth checking out.

6. Baby Pain (Extended 12” mix)-Intaferon
They may have never even released an album, maybe just a couple of EPs. This tune got played on the modern rock station in SLC, UT. I have never ever seen this record. Of all the stuff of this genre, I have physically seen the record in a store somewhere. A great, great 80s tune, just basically heavy percussion and synth, almost industrial, yet so John Hughes movie worthy. Should have been a huge hit. “Baby pain/make my heart throb again/heart throb with pain”

7. Spirit in the Sky-Doctor and the Tardis
Not even close to the Norman Greenbaum original, but this one’s modern rock.
8. Everything Counts (in larger amounts 12” mix)-Depeche Mode
Ah the kid at camp that played this tape over and over. The California kids were so much cooler than us kids from the sticks.

9. Relax-Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Does Red State America know that Frankie went to number 1 singing about not coming? Oops, it was with his gay lover, never mind. File under almost abstinence, or at least shooting in the right direction.

10. Rat In Mi Kitchen-UB40
The song that brough pop renaissance to us. Hee hee. I’m gonna feast on rat!! NO!!!!!!! Check out the Herb Alpert outro on this bad boy. I know the girl in the Girbaud jeans and white body suit would have loved this song. *sigh*

11. Temptation (original 12” version)-New Order
There is no comparison, this original version from what 1981 trumps the rerecorded 1987 Substance version. A killer on the floor, especially if you have green, blue or grey eyes. Sorry brown eyed girl.

12. How Soon Is Now?-The Smiths
At this point in the evening, you’re still on your way to the club if you are cool, if you are a dork you’re already there, but then you don’t miss it when the DJ blows this big gun early in the night. The song to end all songs. There could be a 40 minute mix and the kids would still be out there (even pre-X). Before I liked the Smiths I still dug this riff. Because your booty can’t say no.

13. Coming Home (Major Tom)-Pete Schilling
It should be the German version if the DJ is cool. Of course he isn’t because he already played HSIN? The cool kids just start to arrive here.



1. Homosapien-Pete Shelley
Buzzcocks frontman drops a solo track that is more synthy that the Buzzcocks, and totally underrated. The cure girls don’t bite, stay at the bar. You’re hosed, you busted out onto the floor and you can’t slink back. You enjoy it, hoping some noodler is out there with you so that its not just you and your moves.

2. World Destruction (12” Mix)-Timezone featuring John Lydon
Afrikaa Bambiataa hooks up with Mr. PiL/Sex Pistols for some early dance hop. Lydon is great for the dance floor. PiL essentially was dance punk before it was even a genre.

3. Tainted Love (12” Mix)-Soft Cell/w Marc Almond
Thank God. The statuesque drag queens can come to your rescue at least, and and sorority girls. The gothies like this one too, because they can mimic poisoning you with their tainted love, while you are forced to mimic running away although you’d prefer to stay and be poisoned.

4. Mirror in the Bathroom-The English Beat (yes we know they were just The Beat)
A little ska interlude for the skankers.

5. Ca Plane Pour Moi-Plastic Bertrand
Super famous French punk song that is awesome. Probably has been in a million Volkswagen ads, but sadly forgotten on American shores.

6. Dancing in Heaven-Q Feel
For the ladies. The quintessential 80s dance tune from “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”- love ya SJP! *kiss kiss*

7. Reap the Wild Wind-Ultravox
Swoon. Midge. Ure. Making. The. Waver. Girls. Swoon.

8. Hyperactive-Thomas Dolby
Underrated popster drops this electro-funk gem on us, so much better than “Blinded Me…”

9. AEIOU-Sometimes Y (12” mix)-Ebn Ozn
This song is a new wave oddity, but kills on the floor because you are just waiting for the line “she took me home/I told I wouldn’t sleep with her friends/ she doesn’t sleep with my friends/”

10. Big Hollow Man-Danielle Dax
This song is so cool, and I have no idea what it sounds like. She has a lot of sounds that are ahead of her time. She’s like an electro, weird, dancefloor Kate Bush. The voice isn’t quite there but it has a certain theatrical bent. Anyway, this song is about some religious charlatan but sounds like it is set 5000 years in the future on the bombed out robot planet.

11. Genius of Love-Tom Tom Club
Somehow the seemingly whitest two people on earth (Tina and Chris from Talking Heads) one up the funk quotient from their actually pretty funky in its weird way regular band, and drop a track that 1000 budding MCs probably free-styled to, and Mariah Carey sampled TWICE (Honey I think, and I swear Heartbreaker).

12. Doot Doot (Extended 12” mix)-Freur (unpronounceable squiggle)
They went on to greater glory as Underworld, but they were an enigmatic English synth group that beat Prince to the punch for squiggle symbols by 10 years. This song works better when you are young and dramatic and in high school and your activities consist of driving around and maybe getting a Slurpee and thinking about some girl that is invariably making out with some jock at that very moment, and to a less good song. If only you could have at least provided the mix tape! Pop quiz: how many Three Bulls! Dorks™ have probably soundtracked some delightful lasses makeout session with some other guy? You know it’s true. “Thanks _____(GregH? md? pr? Pinko?), thanks soooo much for the awesome tape, I love it. I’ll always think of you when I listen to it not with you.”

13. Our Lips Are Sealed-Fun Boy Three
First of all, I love Belinda and the Go-Go’s as much as the rest of waver boys my age, but this version, the not-original, is the true modern rock classic. Sung in a kind of robotic way. As if he’s halfway into the bottle of pills, and the song is not really accurate about his view of “it doesn’t matter what they say.” A brief respite from the dance floor reverie of Doot Doot and what’s to come.

14. Love Will Tear Us Apart-Joy Division
It is a total sausage festival around the delightful goth girl, and you don’t want to hit on her, you just want to dance with her and feel her pain, but you keep getting squeezed out by the human elbow and orange Mohawk guy that thinks this is a moshing song.

15. To The Sky-The Cure
For a long time you had to settle for this taped off the radio because it was on basically nonexistent Fiction records sampler. “Just Like Heaven” would have worked here before it got played out (was there such a time? Ed.- yes).


1. Tubular Bells/Pretty Boys, Pretty Girls (Extended Mix)-Book of Love
After that last break, it becomes a dance off of death until closing. This isn’t for weenies. This is serious. It’s totally unclear but something about Book of Love was always gender bending and was somehow about sex, so the girls are getting down to this one.

2. Never Let Me Down Again-Depeche Mode
We’ve discussed this previously. This is as heavy and as awesome as they get. You try not to geekily sing along, but you have to, you are compelled.

3. Cities in Dust (Extended)-Siouxsie and the Banshees
You literally cannot enjoy this song until it is clear that it is the extended version, because that version is so much better than the normal one, and the one that lets you do you disinterested stare look during the break down. And you’re not certain of that until 2:28 in, then you go with it.

4. Lips Like Sugar (12” Extended Mix)-Echo and the Bunnymen
You know this is extended right off the bad from the kind of played out extend-o-drum bit that fills out the opener. That doesn’t matter, it’s LIPS LIKE SUGAR. This is a different vocal mix that the album version, so you wait for “the king of Siam I am/and my Siamese twin/alone on the river/mirror kisses” because it’s like, totally different.

5. Out of Hand (12” Mix)-Mighty Lemon Drops
Probably not appropriate for the mix, historically speaking, but it would have fit. The song you know by them is “Inside Out”.

6. Go!-Tones on Tail
Proto-industrial grind from Ash and Haskins? From Love and Rockets/Bauhaus.

7. Everyday is Halloween-Ministry
Oh the Gothies have been waiting for this and they descend upon you. You feign indifference, but deep down you don’t understand, but they heed the call of their master.

8. Blue Monday-New Order
The kids are in a froth at this point. You secretly wished they’d put “Temptation” in this spot instead.

9. Up on the Catwalk-Simple Minds
Deodato, Michaelangelo, Nastasjia Kinski, Robert DeNiro. What? Awesome. Check the song.

10. Are Friends Electric?-Gary Numan.
My love for this song has been well documented on Three Bulls!. I can’t explain it. It is the best pseudo robotic song ever. And don’t give me this Kraftwerk shit, Norbiz. KW has a role in this world, but the ultimate robot song ever is this one, withstanding even Bangalter and Daft Punk.

11. Dominion/Mother Russia-Sisters of Mercy
Wow. Also documented previously the Sapphic tableau presented to Pinko Punko at the club during this song while PP was an impressionable young club goer.

12. Madame Butterfly-Malcom Maclaren
The opera sampling dance floor slow song show closer. What can we say, this song is basically terrible but the aria from Madame Butterfly somehow still sounds great and sends you home happy, albeit sad and alone as predicted by Messers Morrissey and Marr.


And we continue...

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Countdown to Kingsbury Manx



Damn it BLOGGER. Let me post a picture. OK don't.

UPDATE: Thank you, Blogger.

Anyway, we begin the countdown of an uncertain amount of time before the Uncanny One has the new Kingsbury Manx album of tasteful, psychedelic folk rock from North Carolina's finest musical tastemakers in his Canadian paws (mittened of course).

The Manx soon to be in the house! Actual info- Band's page here. Album was out the 20th, but it's not official until tUC has his mits on it and shares with us its awesomeness.

And we continue...

Friday, September 23, 2005

Friday Music Pooper Shooter

Today we did a real random. It's called the R-A-D-I-O. We listened today to WOXY on the internets because we didn't want any chance of having to blow a slot on Linkin Park (I'm lookin atchoo don'tEATnachos). WOXY is here, and they have an OK feed, it's probably better if you go through them than your iTunes tuner. Obviously it is Friday so we got our faves around the webs, we got Uncanny below, Fulsome (and don'tEATnachos in the comments there) at Well-Rounded Nerds, Norbiz is always on his game (motherscratchin' hurricane be damned, although he's out of the fryin pan) and mdhatter at his abode. And we got Gregor's and pr's in comments too, so a good week.

And we make an auspicious start:

1. These are the Fables-New Pornographers
So there's this malicious rumor goin' around that these guys are better to listen to on shuffle. While that might have been accurate for their earlier two awesome albums, it's total bunk on the new one. 10/10 on principle

2. Nothing Gives Me Pleasure-Josh Rouse
Take some cold medicine guy. Maybe a little (lot) too straight ahead for me 3/10

3. The Sun-Must Be You
Intriguing retro yet a little grimy guitar opening, then hits with a not the most interesting singer. OK for the radio. I guess. And then out of nowhere it gets all awesome at the end- here's the lines: “You forgot your dagger when you left/6 inches deep and buried in my chest/and if you come back to look at the blood/I’’ll slap your hand away/because at least I loved you" That dude is all in your FACE!!! 10/10 for that line alone.

4. Pretty Little Neighbor-Giant Drag
Atonal chick sounding like an indie rock giant drag (wah wah, too obvious, touche, douchefork). It just doesn’t sparkle. 2/10

5. Super Love Attack-Carnivalore
Like a shoegaze lurching Dinosaur Jr./Ride hybrid with organ. Although I don't know which is the band or the song. Bueno! 7/10

6. Clear Spot-Pernice Bros
-10 points for kind of sounding like the intro to the Pixies “Debaser”. I try so hard to like these guys but they are boring. BO-ring. 0/10 (update, they could have had a perfect score, but it was -10 points)

7. The Russian-The Bees
Starts off sounding like it is gonna be some choogling organ and beat instrumental. Something that they would subject you too on KEXP, and you would secretly curse the DJ for wasting your time. And then it gets noodley with some regge beat. SUCK. When's Widespread Panic gonna come on and suck more? Kidding. Maybe -infinity out of 0 (it had no chance)

8. 99th Dream-Swervedriver
Hey wait, I own this I think, and I don’t remember it starting all Dick Dale on me. Kind of like older Catherine Wheel. More muscular shoegaze. I think this song is pretty good. I need to go dig it out so I can appreaciate it at more the 48 kbps/resolution. There are some subtleties here that might require a close listen. 8/10

9. The Good People….-Her Space Holiday A little too minimalist for me, you know quirky non-instrumentation. Sounds almost like a bad attempt at the divine Animal Collective. Then some weird sub-Portishead lady comes in. I don’t hate this, but it can never be good I think. 2/10 (I guess I hate it)

10. Forgot to get a 10, gonna do it live (I am listening to something cool by Early Miners called Bijou right now on Indie Pop Rocks, but I'm gonna switch over to WOXY.....Death Cab, not a good one...switching back to something else....Oh another Her Space Holiday song, yeah I hate them. I would show up late to the show if they were opening. And I never do that. EVA. Although they might grow on me, I guess 5/10 -it's better than the other one for sure- it's called "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend"

And we continue...

Friday musical revue

1. Afternoon Speaker - The Sea And The Cake
Remember when you used to hear about post-rock? Remember when people cared about the new Tortoise release? Those were some kind of crazy times, weren't they? TSATC I think emerged the same time as Tortoise and always had a great accessibility about them. It had the light jazzy feel of a good post-rock band, but with words and even lyrics. Afternoon Speaker is taken from one of their best CDs, Oui, and is at once catchy and laid-back. Music to sip iced tea to, and be rested but not too rested. 8/10

2. Good Morning Mr. Edminton - Of Montreal
This is one of the great Of Montreal songs. It is zany, catchy, and involves a somewhat unusual kidnapping. How could you not love it? Many people were annoyed by just the title of Coquelicot Asleep In The Poppies: A Variety of Whimsical Verse. They were right. But the CD has some terrific musical gems that are both whimsical and of verse. I liked Of Montreal when they sounded like this more than when they sounded like an offshoot of a weird '80s band. 9/10

3. Muzzle Of Bees - Wilco
I think it is fair to say that Pinko Punko and myself are among the few that consider A Ghost Is Born a worthy, if not equal successor to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Muzzle of Bees is one of the tracks that is as good as anything Wilco has ever written. It begins quite subdued for the few minutes, but the build-up and chorus are worth the wait. Great guitar work on this track. 9/10

4. S.P.A.T - Badly Drawn Boy
I don't have many film soundtracks. This one, however, for the music of About A Boy is one of the better ones out there for original songs. Silent Sigh is a long-time 3B favourite, and there are two or three other standouts. Unfortunately, some of the instrumental parts, such as this track, just suck. There are some loud funky sounding horns, but mostly noise. Just not great. 5/10

5. The Affiliated - The Dukes of Stratosphear
Oh, those crazy XTC guys. Whatever will they do next? This two-off pschedelic-loving experiment yielded some very fun and '60s sounding songs. The Affiliated is kind of strange song, alternating between a prosey part and an oddly samba-sounding chorus. But it sounds great. 8/10

6. I Felt Your Shape - The Microphones
People love this guy, and I'm not really sure why. This is one of the listenable tracks from The Glow, Pt. 2. Kind of a nice acousticy voice/guitar song that would make me really want this CD if the other songs sounded this good. It almost evokes Nick Drake nostalgia. 7.5/10

7. Million $ Man - Imperial Teen
Imperial Teen are a totally under-rated band. They have great beats and offbeat lyrics. This is music to groove to and music to smile at. 8.5/10

8. Pictures of Me - Elliott Smith
This is my all-time favourite Elliott Smith song from Either/Or. It is sardonic, pathetic, and defiant at the same time. It also sounds suprisingly upbeat, even though it isn't. There are so many memorable little lyrics in this song, but the part that breaks your heart is "Not surprised at all and really, why should I be? See nothing wrong, see nothing wrong. So sick and tired of all these pictures of me. Completely wrong. Totally wrong." I think everyone can relate to this song and the sentiment. I can listen to this song endlessly and be affected every time. I'm so sad for Elliott Smith. 10/10

9. Motion Suggets - Pavement
I'm not really a Pavement fan, but this came along with the Jason Lytle collection, Below The Radio. Which makes sense given that it sounds like a Grandaddy song. Exactly like a Grandaddy song. So I kind of like it. The song feels more attached to the '90s than most other music in my collection and I like that feel to it. 7.5/10

10. Vincent O'Brien - M. Ward
This song is kind of a leitmotif for M. Ward. A sad song about a sad song with the sound of an old sad song. There are playful lyrics in here that read a little like a children's rhyme. I like new music that sounds old. I really like how the song is somewhat recycled, albeit in an altered for on Transistor Radio, where it's called Four Hours in Washington. 8/10

And we continue...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Because This Whole Exercise of Existence is Futility

PICTURE OF PAPI HERE, WHEN BLOGGER FEELS LIKE IT
Sorry, Papi, we're gonna have to give this one back, for the greater good.

...I was just thinking what I would give in this world for George W. Bush to not have been elected. Would it have changed anything. I'm inclined to say a whole fuck of a lot. Even in 2004? Maybe not so much about Katrina because it would probably take a good three years to clean out the accumulated mouse turds out of the various gutted and defiled Departments of Uselessness created by Dear Leader. BUT. If I were omnipotent AND all powerful (shout out to my kidz at Powerline), I would give back the Sox in 2004 and let the Yankees win for the next 25 years. Does that sound ridiculously serious? Well I am. The vein has literally popped out of my forehead. Please leave your message in comments. Gregor would you give up carnitas? Yosef, would you give up pulled pork? md would you give up bacon? Uncanny would you give up ALL the creatures whence these meats come? Don't hate me Brad R.

And we continue...

Dit-effing-to

dontEATnachos has the poop.

That's a hell yeah and a preaching to the choir from us over here. I really hate it when people do this one thing that he is talking about. You are on my absolute shit list if you do. The vein is popping just thinking about it.

And we continue...

Bootzilla Strikes Back!


Wherin Yosef interviews the musician on the fallout of Seb's comparison of Michelle Malkin (the good half) to the lovely Lady Miss Keir.


Y: Bootsy, thank you for joining us on 3B! today.

B: Well, uh, glory be! The funk's on 3B!

Y: I was hoping you'd say that. I'm not really much of one for needless small talk and not getting to the point (like Blue Girl) so let's get right into it. Bootsy, how do you feel about the comparison made between the good half of Michelle Malkin and Lady Miss Keir?

B: Well, uh, Yosa-doodle-doo, it's, uh, like this. That good half lady is one fiine mutha! I'd let her put the funk upside my head any day. But, uh, Sweet Lady Miss Keir, is also fine. So I'd have to call it a wash.

Y: Yes, they are both attractive, but how can Seb get away with comparing an open racist to a lovely and highly talented singer?

B: An open what? Well, uh, like Miss Keir said, the groove is in the heart, so if Ms. Malkin ain't got no groove, she needs to let ol' Bootzilla help her find it! A-Yabba-dabba-doo!!

Y: Do you think that Seb intentionally targeted Lady Miss Keir for this unfair comparison?

B: Well, uh, I wouldn't actually call it an unfair comparison. Maybe, if, uh, you take the good half of Michelle Malkin, then she would use her other name. Magalagalang is, uh, very funkadelic. But, uh, I do think that Seb should, uh, be a little more careful about his comparisons. I'd hate to have to take the Bootzilla over to that Bog if he compared the, uh, lovely Lady Miss Keir with the bad half of Michelle. I'd take all the Horny Horns with me, and teach him that that comparison would be like trying to put a 5 dollar hat on a nickel head!

Y: Bootsy, I'd like to thank you on behalf of the entire 3B! staff for this interview, and I will be sure to pass your warning along to Seb at the other bog. Thank you for your time.

B: Yabba-dabba-dizzle!


And we continue...

The Most Important News Item EVER

Napolean Defeated at Waterloo - NOPE!
USS Maine Sunk - NOT EVEN!
Titanic Sinks - DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!
Titanic Stinks - WE ALL KNEW IT ANYWAY!
Alien Life Found in Boston - TOM BRADY SUX!!

Forget all that, here is The Most Important News Item Ever! (free registration req. (sorry))
UPDATE
The delightful Stephanie says....for your login needs...
EP@JUNO.COM
123456

And we continue...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Blue Girls Says Go Here

Thanks BG-
She says nobody has done this guys shtick, and after reading his Amazon review, I say, maybe the General has. Still it's funny, but possibly creepy (for some reason I grew a conscience and thought of some poor Sunday School kid wandering onto that and having their brain melt! :)

"Go here:
Then read the post: "Counting Crayons"
He's writing Amazon reviews -- under the name Robert Salsbury.
The title of his first review is:
Purple Jesus!
Go there now!!"


And we continue...

Bacanora or Bacanono – We Report You Decide

An exploration of the spirit world that leads Gregor Samsa to ponder the existence of God.

Simply put Bacanora is Mexican moonshine made from the smoked hearts of the agave. Although commercially produced pretenders have begun to come to market they degrade the true spirit of Bacanora. Your bottle should be corked and consist of a recycled tequila, mescal or occasionally a canola oil bottle. Recent experiments involving the unholy combination of Nyquil and Bacanora indicate that it has promise as a cure for the common cold and the flu.

WARNINGS: It may not make you see God but it very well could make you pray to him like the poor fellow in the Ex Voto. Our sources indicate that our dear Yosef was a happily-married childless millionaire before he wandered down the black agave path. Look at him now and be forewarned.

Verdict Gregor Samsa: At its best smoky and peppery with overtones of burnt tortillas. At its worst a chemically anti-freeze like taste overwhelms the hooch rendering it undrinkable without mucho mixer. It’s a crapshoot.

Verdict PupH: Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine.*

*Unless they are smeared with peanut butter.




And we continue...

Read Song of the Day today, contemplate it.

Then consider a pirate boarding party here. I'm not sure if I can join you, but the pirates must follow the trail of booty, so they might as well start at Atlas Shrugged. Keep it clean, boys, don't give Three Bulls! a worse name than we deserve.

And we continue...

Celebrity Dream Cameo

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Blogger is Freaking Out

Yosef is on Blogger.

2+2=?

Behold the awesome power. Eaten Celebrity Dream Cameo up when Yo finally makes Blogger his zibatch.

And we continue...

Life's Hard Lessons

Three Bulls! pal Seitz teaches us in comments that Gregor Samsa's delightful post about Salsaghetti was in fact so over and had been done before by some techno-dudes that actually filmed the debacle. Welcome to Teh Internets, kids, any original thought ever to enter your head will in fact not be. I swear, when I do the post about Smokedog's butthole, I'm gonna find out that was soooooooo Pandagon, circa '04.

And we continue...

As a total dorkwad...

I was firmly convinced I had attended most of the worst or lamest parties of all time. Let's just say none of them ever deserved the verb party to go along with attendance, does any party really? I mean a plugged in TV never, ever was thrown into the pool, no matter how urgently I commanded it to be so. However, THIS, from tbogg, takes the CAKE. I now feel better about myself. Super Drinkie for everyone!! First of all, can someone confirm whether this Rob Long individual is a porn star or what? Also, Chester, you're in SoCal right? Can we get a Three Bulls! correspondent to these things???

And we continue...

I saw the news today, oh boy!

They said Yosef had just joined 3 Bulls!


And tho the news was rather sad,

I just had to laugh:

I saw the photograph,

It looked like it was the world's fattest caaat!




And we continue...

Monday, September 19, 2005

Salsaghetti: Friend or Foe?

In which Gregor Samsa learns whether dreams really can come true. In this episode, we explore the incongruous delight that is Salsaghetti.

When I first saw this product my jaw dropped! I love Salsa! I love Spaghetti! I love Watermelon! I love Tamarind! I love Hot! But would I love them all together? Ah the age old question.

This product consists of watermelon flavored sour straws with a zesty tamarind marinara. The directions didn’t say that the product needed to be heated so I served mine at room temperature.

Verdict Gregor Samsa: Salsaghetti is our friend but we wouldn’t necessarily call them back the same day. This truly bizarre combo was surprisingly good. However, the product advertised ‘hot’ but in that it was woefully lacking. In my opinion extra heat would have put this candy over the top. Also meatballs would have been a nice touch.

Verdict PupH: Salsaghetti without the tamarind marinara is delightful but the sauce renders it inedible. Also meatballs would have been a nice touch.

And we continue...

A Very Special and Important Update to Our Blogroll

A prisoner is behind bars who must go free.

FREE OSCAR BLUTH.

And we continue...

SPECIAL EDITION MERCH!! LIMITED!*

In the Three Bulls! Shoppe NOW. Get them while they are HOT!** Remember our mission to liberate the Cheetos from Cheeto Tora Bora? This is how we pay for it. All proceeds from this edition go to the "Teach Yosef How To Use The Internets" fund. I swear it.***

*Limited by your discerning taste only

**Come on people, nothing can get more obscure or elitist that this tee.

***True, if anyone actually buys this, all proceeds to Yosef and his 27 children.

And we continue...

Yo ho ho, The Howler Be Speaking a Hard Truth Today

A tale o' woe bringin a tear to my hearties

From Song of the Day:

Yargh, me be swillin' rums, oh ho, so many bottles to be forgetting the pain oh my dear mum, and her ravishing by a scurvy dog. I shall be filling him up with musket shot and he be tasting the blad o' my cutlass, he be. It shall be the black spot for him!

That blackguard and blackhearted Fulsome be suggesting we relate the woe-sodden tale to ye, so ye be cryin like lassies and drunken wenches.

And here I be weaving my tale for the sodden lot o' ye.

We are two mariners
Our ships' sole survivors
In this belly of a whale

Its ribs our ceiling beams
Its guts our carpeting
I guess we have some time to kill

You may not remember me
I was a child of three
And you, a lad of eighteen

But I remember you
And I will relate to you
How our histories interweave

At the time you were
A rake and a roustabout
Spending all your money
On the whores and hounds
Oh Ohhhhh

You had a charming air
All cheap and debonair
My widowed mother found so sweet

And so she took you in
Her sheets still warm with him
Now filled with filth and foul disease

As time wore on you proved
A debt-ridden drunken mess
Leaving my mother
A poor consumptive wretch
Oh Ohhhhh

And then you disappeared
Your gambling arrears
The only thing you left behind

And then the magistrate
Reclaimed our small estate
And my poor mother lost her mind

Then one day in spring
My dear sweet mother died
But before she did
I took her hand as she, dying, cried:
Oh Ohhhhh

"Find him, bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave
*sigh*"

It took me fifteen years
To swallow all my tears
Among the urchins in the street

Until a priory
Took pity and hired me
To keep their vestry nice and neat

But never once in the employ
Of these holy men
Did I ever once turn my mind
From the thought of revenge
Oh Ohhhhh

One night I overheard
The Prior exchanging words
With a penitent whaler from the sea

The captain of his ship
Who matched you toe to tip
Was known for wanton cruelty

The following day
I shipped to sea
With a privateer

And in the whistle
Of the wind
I could almost hear...
Oh Ohhhhh

"Find him, bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave

"There is one thing I must say to you
As you sail across the sea
Always, your mother will watch over you
As you avenge this wicked deed"

[haunting, sailor-esque musical interlude lead by mandolin, accordion and tuba]

And then that fateful night
We had you in our sight
After twenty months at sea

Your starboard flank abeam
I was getting my muskets clean
When came this rumbling from beneath

The ocean shook
The sky went black
And the captain quailed

And before us grew
The angry jaws
Of a giant whale

[instrumental noise]
Oh Ohhhhhhhhhh
[screaming]
Ohhhhh
[screaming]

Don't know how I survived
The crew all was chewed alive
I must have slipped between his teeth

But, O! What providence!
What divine intelligence!
That you should survive
As well as me

It gives my heart
Great joy
To see your eyes fill with fear

So lean in close
And I will whisper
The last words you'll hear
Ohh Ohhhhh



And we continue...

Musical Menagerie: You Pick ‘em I’ll Buy ‘em

In which Gregor Samsa cedes some of the power of the 3Bully pulpit to our gentle reader(s).

Gregor Samsa’s iPOD recently received an offer of free songs. As a sociological experiment, I have agreed to allow you, dear reader, the opportunity to select five songs that will blow MY MIND and sate the iPOD’s desire. The only rules are that the songs must be available at the iTunes store and that the songs must not currently reside on Gregor Samsa’s iPOD.

UPDATE - Special rule for our 'Special' friend GAVIN: NO FLOCK OF SEAGULLS!!!

And we continue...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I just banned someone for the first time

Somebody thought this comment was funny:

Thank you for your support.
Mohammed Atta | 09.18.05 - 8:02 pm | #

It just seemed so offensive to me. Everyone here at Three Bulls! is pragmatically patriotic in their own way. No one here supports terrorism. We reject the accusation categorically. We feel terrible about banning this turd, because we support free speech, but we don't want that guy in our house.

And we continue...

BREAKING NEWS

Speaking of gummi, where were these when I was trying to perfect my "cold...so cold...I make your eyes...You Nexus 6" impression?

The search for gummi religious figures has been going on this weekend, as a gaping hole in our snacktastic world was identified, and it could only be plugged by gummi. Fulsome has the details. Our fave, the cross-sicles. Mmmm, limey crucifix. GO NOW!

And we continue...

Field Marshal Insensitive Extraordinaire, Asshat


You mean like this little guy? (see comments below). I think he would be pals with PupH, but he would seriously rock AH's n*****k, and I don't mean in a good way. Trolls, so insensitive, so unfeeling. So lubricated- it's 11 am on a Sunday morning, and the Field Marshal is three sheets.

And we continue...

MYSTERY ART BAGE

In which Gregor Samsa, opens his art collection and that of his friends to the gentle reader. In this episode, we learn more about one of the key loves of Samsa’s life: PupH.

First off I would like to thank Pinko Punko from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to post on his blog [ed. this is a web page not a blog, Three Bulls! post, not blog, see "intricacies of..."]. I’m sure that he will soon realize the huge mistake he has made and rescind his offer forthwith.

Our first example from the Mystery Art Bage is of a subject near and dear to my heart. PupH is my sometimes nemesis, fulltime companion and one of the loves of my life. The painting, oil on canvas, is circa 2003 and was done on commission by Tucson artist Dougie Weber.

Dougie truly captures the comically regal and turgid* form of PupH. This is an example by a young master on top of his game. The powerful and bold brush strokes are fearless and evocative of PupH’s nature as well as that of the young artist. Dougie’s selection of a surreal background truly captures the circus-dog spirit of PupH with hints of art deco inspiration. PupH’s expression is priceless in its anticipation of reward or direction.
*By turgid I mean swollen with pride and muscle.
PupH is certainly not overweight; rather, he is simply big boned.

And we continue...

Pitchfork Cobaggery

We recently mentioned the film DiG, about the Dandy Warhols and Brian Jonestown Massacre, which Three Bulls! actually SAW at the Sundance Film Festival. Since we knew something of the two bands, we knew what was kinda true about the movie and what was full of shit. See the Dandy Warhols do this annoying as hell shtick about the drugs they do etc. etc. but when you listen to their albums, even amidst all the jokes and whatever, there are always good, fun and cool songs, and they really try to perform them live- in short they are a professional band doing their thing. Nothing could be more douchey than some Pitchfork reviewer reviewing the new Warhols CD through the lens of the horribly inaccurate yet entertaining DiG. I give you Marc Hogan and his masterpiece of hackery. Hell, he might even be right about the album, but everything about his piece is just wrong. He says the band is a disgrace because of their attitude about pretending to not try. have they not always been a joke band with a full of shit shtick? What is different now than then? Do they only pretend to record albums? Do they only pretend to tour for years and years? Oh woops, it is implied that they do lots of drugs then it is implied that they really are only pretending to do lots of drugs. Who the hell cares, this has been their shtick for the LAST FIVE ALBUMS. WHAT IS YOUR POINT? I HATE YOU!!!!

And we continue...