Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Pinko Punko is away for a week - Light posting ahead

We hope that those of you that come here for your daily fix of Pinko Punko will not be overly devastated. Please see blogroll on the side for suggestions of people that probably have a better blog anyway!

Also, we are accepting Song of the Day submissions. If you love a good song and want people to know about it, write up your review and send it to us. We will post the good ones and will probably post the bad ones as well. Be creative. We love hearing about songs that you love that we don't know. Send all submissions to 3bulls at gmail dot com.

And we continue...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

This post writes itself

From Freedom Camp and Norbiz:

ATTN: SUPERDOME RESIDENTS [Jonah Goldberg]I think it's time to face facts. That place is going to be a Mad Max/thunderdome Waterworld/Lord of the Flies horror show within the next few hours. My advice is to prepare yourself now. Hoard weapons, grow gills and learn to communicate with serpents. While you're working on that, find the biggest guy you can and when he's not expecting it beat him senseless. Gather young fighters around you and tell the womenfolk you will feed and protect any female who agrees to participate without question in your plans to repopulate the earth with a race of gilled-supermen. It's never too soon to be prepared.
The NROs Jonah Goldberg, everyone. He'll be here all week, and for the rest of your foreseeable future. See, the Thunderdome crack might have been cute if people hadn't died in the building, and hadn't lost all their possessions and hadn't already been probably the poorest of the city's residents, so barring all of those real things, maybe this joke could have been funny at one point. Maybe this is why people think Americans are fat lazy slobs that don't care about others' welfare. They got Jonah pegged!

And we continue...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Mr. Sensitivity...

where were you when this atrocity was published in the Purdue paper? Perhaps you were helping liberals hug trees in a less smothering and touchy fashion.
Stinky trees ruin campus ambience

They looked at pictures and said, "Gee, that would make the campus look pretty." I just wish they had thought far enough ahead to realize that although they look good, they smell like a Tarkington bathroom on a Saturday night. I can't wait until the pokeberry trees by Class of 1950 start dropping their foul fruit and making the area smell like a fraternity's front lawn. The poor landscaping choices, combined with the� West Lafayette funk, is almost too much.

Perhaps the tour group members I saw today scurrying across campus with their hands over their faces would provide the administration with enough motivation to plant something that doesn't reek of excrement.

I find it very funny that Purdue has decided to ban smoking. Cigarette smoke doesn't bother me, but wet butt stank does. Just because Purdue is full of unwashed enginerds doesn't mean campus has to smell like one. Unlike smoking, I think this is an issue everyone can agree on, and I know I'm not the only one who has noticed the problem. Why don't we replace some of the landscaping with something that looks good and doesn't smell like the brown side of a homeless man's pants?

Andrew Lowe
Sophomore, College of Technology
Sensitive? I think not. We are all in favor of snarky letters here at Three Bulls! and this guy had it going on until his last graf, but this cobag needs some sensitivity training, and I'm not talking about the trees, maroons. I forgot how Teh Funny homeless people were. I'm sure the ones Andy's talking about are hypothetical, because they probably freeze to death in the Indiana winter every year, so they don't blight his senses, and it probably was their fault anyway, right Andy? Purdue, climbing its way to the bottom of the Big 10 (and remember this Conference has Penn State and Ohio State- it's a long way down, kids!).

PS. Can we get a name on Capt. Sensitive below?

And we continue...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Captain Bullshit to the rescue!

This man will sink to anything to get you out of your tight spot! Hand caught in the cookie jar? Dipping into the till? Etc? Etc? This fine, upstanding young gentleman will lie his ass of for you and your corporate gain, just give him a piece of your pie! See the video. Give massive props to Agius here. Anybody know this douchewad? I want to tell him how much I respect his massive evil cojones.

Update: Note the carefully knitted brow, and the presumably clenched anus. The disingenuous of the "we would if we could" defense actually trumps all other misdemeanors of these guys, and goes to a felony. Please oh please can this person have his words and likeness distributed over the internets!

And we continue...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Possums of all Political Spectra!

Regardless of how you feel about the gentleman's action in this video I am directing you to, I 100% triple-dog dare you to try and defend Mr. Sensitivy's BS. Watch the video and wait for the spokesman to appear with a ready-at-hand lecture, and with an honest face try to tell me a certain College Republican is not lying through his cornhole and has the creamiest of brown eyes because he is entirely full of s***. In a perfect world that guy would be the next "dog poop" girl and the unhappy beneficiary of 1000 crappy handj*bs because of his aversion to certain sexual antics outside of marriage.

And we continue...

Any Third Grade Three Bulls! In the House?

That would like to find an alternate explanation for this logical gem from the intellectual titans at The Corner? I know Professor Booty will giggle.
WORKERS WANT EXPLOITATION? [Jonathan H. Adler]
The WSJ reports that getting a job at the new Wal-Mart in Oakland, California "was statistically tougher than getting into Harvard, with 12,000 applicants for 400 jobs." I wonder how the anti-Wal-Mart crowd would explain this one.
Posted at 06:40 PM
QED, cobags, Q-E-D.

And we continue...

How Come Iron Maiden Didn't Get a Slot In Your Self-Promoting Concert? I'm sure Helloween was available too.

Last article for awhile on how much Pitchfork sucks, but they have flungeth this obstacle into the path of Cookie Jesus, and it must be addressed.

Pitchfork jumps the shark.

The wacky, America-hating Pitchfork attacks Judas Priest by not mentioning them at all in their article about a different band, Iron Maiden. How could they perpetrate such an atrocity? Some back story on Iron Maiden: These guys are my friend's fave band. They write songs about Dune, Edgar Allen Poe, Greek mythology, Phantom of the Opera, Egyptian stuff, the TV show the Prisoner, old weird movies like The Wicker Man. Possibly Lord of the Rings. The songs are 10 minutes long, and they now feature three guitarists. The lead singer sings in the prototypical Heavy Metal "out of his range" range. The Spinal Tap move of the guitarists playing in unison, phallic guitar thrust over the audience, one knee up on the monitor- that's a Steve Harris (bassist) original. Steve also sings along un-miced because he's the songwriter. If you don't already like this stuff, I can pretty much guarantee that this would be a huge "what the ????? after your Arcade Fire or The Shins shuffle onto "Two Minutes to Midnight".

They introduced prog into metal. They are the epitome of bloat, but their fans love it and their merch is super cool especially when you are a kid in junior high and you see that one 9th grader that has a different Maiden shirt for every day of the week- your fave- "Piece of Mind", no- "Aces High", no "Powerslave"! Still talking about shirts. The prog and technical influence of this band opened the door for faster and harder bands, but as with prog, form overrides function. I like these guys just fine, mostly because my friend loves 'em, and its fun to be into what he's into, but for Pitchfork to essentially shit on this stuff for years and years trying to be the cool kids, now saying "it's OK. It's a 7.5." They should burn in hell. All this time they have been pretending to be hipster douchewads, yet now they reveal themselves to be no better than the rest of the long hair, D and D playing math kids (some of my friends), that went for the prog metal instead of the cock rock. Oh, and they completely malign Judas Priest by a failure to mention them. The silence is deafening. When they don't mention Judas Priest tomorrow, it will be more evidence that they hate America.


Oh, all your favorite Iron Maiden "Spong Bob" covers here- part of a terribly gone wrong marketing campaign to bring metal to a new generation. Up the Irons, Squidward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we continue...

Friday, August 26, 2005

Self-styled "The Hottest Young Conservative Writing on The Internets"

and all-around internet gaddabout, Yosef, drops this ever-loving turd into our midst. YOU MUST CLICK THIS LINK. And after you have done so, you will want to give Yosef a noogie, but you can't because he has moved his bat-cave this weekend, and is staying one step ahead of the Mother and Father Of All Wedgies (MAFOAW). And Maybe A Swirlie Too (AMAST).

That is all. Return to your business.


And we continue...

Friday Music Pooper Shooter



Mixed bag as usual, for your reading enjoyment.

1. Fleeting Mind-Ocean Colour Scene
"Dadrock" brits with white boy soul singer and Paul Weller idolizing guitarist. From Moseley Shoals. This song is meh, but this album has three awesome songs, no matter how uncool. 5/10

2. Sympathy Wreath-Barbara Manning
SF indie stalwart. Indie pop rocks made me buy compliation used at the best record store in the world, Amoeba Music. This song is meh. 4/10

3. Are Friend's Electric-Gary Numan
Discussed previously here. America's deficit/0.1. One of my fave songs for some reason. Listening to it now makes me type like a robot. Infinity/10

4. We Are Mice-Azure Ray
Sometimes they sound like the girl version of whispered Elliot Smith with a little different production, less rickety maybe. This is one of those. This is a good song, and somehow sounds super sad. From Hold On Love 7/10

5. Song For My Sugar Spun Sister-Stone Roses
The Stone Roses self-titled is full of songs that sound all nice but are actually mean and spiteful. This one might actually not be one of them, meaning it might be nice and dreamy as it sounds. Let's go to the tape. Hmm, indecisive. Could be singing to a whore and something about Parliament tripping on glue. 9/10

6. Nowhere Again-The Secret Machines
I don't care that this song references a band or playing an instrument. This song is awesome. Just slick enough production to make it perfect for a Bruckheimer movie or maybe the orgy scene in some CSI episode right before the sexually exploitative snuff film that is the heart of that show, because there is something scuzzy underneath this song, but it is just a mood, the band marches on above it all. Here's a taste:
another alone on an everyday night
I think in the morning I think I'll be alright
watching the blood flow
no wonder I dont know why

theres a woman in the mirror in a firey state
she motions to me I start pulling away
she's lifting her dress up
all the way up

oh don't look surprised
erased

our lives
erased

our lives
erased
10/10.

7. Cut Me Down-Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
They have so many better songs than this one. I just don't love it. But you forgot this Scouse songster even existed, so a +1 coolness point. 7/10

8. Lazy Feet 23-Earlimart
Sounds a little Elliot Smith with the whsipered lyrics, but the weirdo squiggles in the background recall Grandaddy, with whom these guys have been linked, both musically and geographically (California central valley). 6/10

9. On Your Own-The Verve
Yawn. I don't know. Just don't love it. Except when it gets all insitent and falsetto at the end. Nice save Richard Ashcroft and Co! 7/10

10. Dirty Epic-Underworld
This is probably in the club scene in 500 bad movies. Not their best but the dance kids probably love it. Sub tubular bells blah. Talking nonsense lyrics. Not as annoying as "Born Slippy", but close. 6/10

Party Shuffle hates me. Maybe I have too much crap on here. I should cheat like the Uncanny One.

And we continue...

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Pitchfork Rebuttal Corner

Pitchfork is an indier than thou musical e-zine that takes pride in reviewing albums you've never heard and referencing other bands you've never heard in said reviews. It's OK for them to like someone ironically, but not you, that makes you a douchebag. In honor of the new New Pornographers album Twin Cinema, which Pitchfork recently raved about, we compare their first two albums. See the loser at Pitchfork took part of his review to kind of crap on their second album, which most people might not be able distinguish from their first. See, the Douchefork reviewer probably listened to his free copy once in the limo on the way to the airport from some music industry junket to SXSW while doing a couple last lines of blow off the joint Can/Boredoms limited colored vinyl 12"- Finnish of course, the one that was packaged with the fake Warhol plastic eskimo pie, you know the one.

Cross-posted at Song of the Day.
Uncanny is doing the odds, Pinko is doing the evens as we compare the "inferior", according to Pitchfork, sophomore New Pornographers album Electric Version with the "superior" Mass Romantic. Uncanny's call in orange, Pinkos in red. Tell us what of your faves Pitchfork have murdered, or what pieces of crap they gave a perfect 10.0 to, or what they actually got right in comments!

MR 1. Mass Romantic - Title track, so you know it's going to be good. AND, it's a Neko Case lead vocal. Even better is hearing her voice soar above the chorus. Great driving guitar. There is also an excellent transitionary part sweet harmonizing. And the signature ending canon that sounds nothing like the rest of the track until you realize that it is a perfect mesh with the whole song.

EV 1. The Electric Version - Uh oh, another title track. This is going to be close. These tracks are actually very similar rhythmically, although the drumming is more prominent. Not a Neko lead, but same awesome Neko during the chorus. They even have the same vocal dissolution ending. Edge: Push Mass Romantic

MR 2. The Fake Headlines- Awesome, less hyper more of a slow burn (for them, meaning just normal up-tempo). Can't quite tell if Neko sings on this one, backing vocals obscured on my computer.

EV 2. From Blown Speakers- Similar tempo, very similar tempo to the above. Better synthesis between Neko and Carl- you can hear her, she is integrated into the song, even though just backing. Soft bit in the middle. Totally awesome. Edge: Electric Version Electric Version

MR 3. The Slow Descent Into Alcoholism - An incredibly fun and upbeat song. It keeps getting stronger as Neko and Carl start to sing together. The words are also very fun. One of the three strongest tracks on the CD. It even has the whole gigantic song change

EV 3. The Laws Have Changed - Very good track, but not one of the best. As usual, Neko's voice transcends everything else on the track. It is the closest thing that a NP gets to being repetitive, which is just barely. But the winner of clear. Edge: Mass Romantic Mass Romantic

MR 4. Mystery Hours. Just a complete hyper blast, although not close the strongest track on the album.

EV 4. The End of Medicine. Probably the weakest track on EV, just does not stand out. Edge: Mass Romantic. Electric Version

MR 5. Jackie - Fun song and by NP standard's kind of midtempo. The lyrics are fun and have creative words and rhyming couplets. The chorus is better than the main tune, but the best part awaits the fugue near the end of the song to the words "You gonna stop the sunshine". That blows me away every time! It's short and perfect.

EV 5. Loose Translation - Also a midtempo song and not one of the best tracks. It has a fun assortment of keyboard bleeps and some nice harmonizing, but actually is kind of a bit plain. Edge: Mass Romantic Mass Romantic

MR 6. Letter From An Occupant. We illustrate:
I'm told the eventual downfall/
is just a bill from the restaurant/
You told me I could order the moon, babe/
just as long as I shoot what I want/
What the last ten minutes have taught me/
bet the hand that your money's on/
Where the hell have the '70s brought me?/
You trade me away long gone/
For the love of a god, you say/
not a letter from an occupant/
The time that your enemy gives you/
good times are not the ones you want/
I cried five rivers on the way here/
which one will you skate away on?/
The tune you'll be humming forever/
all the words are replaced and wrong/
with a shower of yeahs and whatevers/
you trade me away long gone/
For the love of a god, you say/
not a letter from an occupant/
Where have all the sensations gone?/
It's the song, the song, the song that's shaking me/
It's the song, the song, the song that's shaking me/
It's the song, the song, the song that's shaking me/

What???? Such glorious nonsense and the song totally calls what it does to you in the song. Remember you only know the words because I told you.

EV 6. Chump Change. It almost doesn't matter, but in this case it is not quite fair, "Chump Change" is a Dan Bejar tune, and it is fashionable in some Pitchfork circles to crap on the Bejar contribs to NP, while when someone else reviews Bejar's other group, Destroyer, they claim to love it. Typical Pitchfork douchery. Bejar's tunes break up the album, but in a good way. Edge: Mass Romantic Mass Romantic

MR 7. To Wild Homes - Not one of my favourite tracks on this CD. It's kind of loud and without that much clarity. The final chorus is kind of nice, but the only really very good part of this song.

EV 7. All for Swinging Around You - Classic sounding NP. Also a Neko Case lead. It's a good comparison to Wild Homes, because it has similar melodic features, but is so much more advanced sounding and interesting. Not the best EV song, but still great. Edge: Electric Version Electric Version

MR 8. The Body Says No. A typical madcap blast as per their usual, a fun song.

EV 8. The New Face of Zero and One. Pretty straighforward until this sublime linear guitar meander takes over at the end and the song breaks down and goes to a different, amazing place, a place that kills in concert, and as soon as it starts it is gone, also hides some cool percussion in the very back. Edge: Electric Version Electric Version


MR 9. Execution Day - This is the very first NP song I ever heard, and it is still a mysterious song to me. Most of the song seems to be telling some kind of story that I don't get. But the song transcends halfway in the Execution Day part. The slower moving Wrens-y guitar line works so well with the singing style.

EV 9. Testament to Youth in Verse - This isn't going to be close, because this is the single greatest NP song ever!!!! The words are hysterical and the musical buildup is excellent. All that makes it an amazing song. But then out of nowhere they break into a capella singing a round of "The bells ring no no no no" and it keeps growing. Then it Neko joins and it keeps growing! Then the bells become more prominent and the voices add! Then the persistent piano comes in and the drums. And finally everything at once. It's a veritable musical orgasm! Edge: Electric Version Electric Version


MR 10. The Centre for Holy Wars. Most Sesame Street intro of all NP songs, super fun, but poor integration of Neko, it's like she's just sauce, when we all know she's more than that. Kind of repetitive, but has a nice little breakdown, the kind they do so well.

EV 10. The Divine Right. Perhaps the only NP song that could be too long. More straight ahead, prominent guitars not dressed in synths. Edge: Push. Mass Romantic

MR 11. The Mary Martin Show - Great great song. Right off the bat, the Carl Newman singing style sounds different and amusing. Everything seems hammed up in this song including the fake brassy synths.

EV 11. Ballad of a Comeback Kid - Great great song. It also has one of my favourite NP lyrics: "Everything was fine until membership lost its privileges". Normally, this would be a push, except the chorus of this song is a bit better, and it has the sentimental part near the end. Screw it, just the "Bat out of hell" lyric makes this song better. Edge: Electric Version Push


MR 12. Breakin' the Law. Not a Judas Priest cover. A woozy, lurching album closer. A great great tune.

EV 12. July Jones. A little bit of a reggae beat done in crunch guitar, midtempo, sets you up for the unexpected amazing album closer "Miss Teen Wordpower" as this song almost feels like a relaxed downshift before they kill you again. Edge: Mass Romantic, but not a fair matchup Mass Romantic

EV 13. Miss Teen Wordpower - It doesn't matter what song Mass Romantic has to go against this. It has the perfect Neko/Carl song play. And the coolest lyric "Because nobody knows the wreck of the soul the way that you do". Besides, the topic of this song is amazing. This should be the best song on the CD, except for the ungodly awesomeness of Testament. Regardless. Edge: Electric Version Electric Version [this counts for EV because it is better than every song on MR except "Letter..."]

1 point for each vote, 0.5 for a push, what do you know. 13.5-13.5. A total tie. And what album do I listen to more- Electric Version by far, more varied, clearer production, more sophisticated, more cohesive.

And we continue...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Deafening Silence On Right! BREAKING****

It is an absolute travesty that someone must look into. Is Hinderaker on the job? I doubt it? Hewitt? Good luck- he can't be bothered to get off his ba-bump-ba-bump-bump (thanks Missy!). LGF? Do they even care?

Glorious metal hair-os Iron Maiden were subjected to absolute Trollery and Malfeasance at the closing night of headlining leg of Ozzfest. Known Internet Trolls Asshat, Jock and Tubesock were reported leaving the scene with Kelly Osbourne. Rumors have it that media magnate Sharon Osbourne set up the whole travesty! We are SHOCKED that anyone would stoop so low. Could it be publicity? WHAT? Read the gruesome details here. I can't possible imagine how this could happen. It's a sad sad day and it's being ignored by the right side of the blogosphere. I wan't their denials of involvement and denouncement of Sharon Osbourne's comments about Bruce Dickinson IMMEDIATELY. We are forced to ask:

Separated at birth?





And we continue...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Clif has an item of interest

A political cartoon thingy at Outside the Tent that really says what I tried to say but did a bad job. Surprised, possums? No, not with all the trollery going on around here.

And we continue...

They were trying to impress Dear Leader

Dear Leader visited his last safe haven, the territory of Deseret [no correction this is really a word], the gerat [correction "great" hat tip Twombly in comments- thanks, we didn't mean to make up a word] state of Utah. Perhaps the police in Utah County were trying to impress him when the called out helicopters and a swat team to bust a rave. Please watch the cops auditioning for London tube-station duty in this video. Over 90 officers and a police helicopter were involved. Also, security guards that had confiscated drugs from ravers were arrested for drug po'. Thanks to Halford for this Livin' After Midnight Report.

And we continue...

If it is too serious for you check out this crosspost from Delicious and Disgusting

This bit is borrowed from the serious post below and is a cross from Delicious or Disgusting, because Cookie Jesus knows, no one will read that post. The last bite of juicy In-N-Out burger......with the combination of crispy griddle-toasted bun, and cool lettuce and tomato with just the right amount of special sauce-is in fact even better than the first*. The absolute key here is the buttered bun that is machine-sliced so perfectly flat, and thrown on the griddle it until browned and toasty with that crispy ring around the outside that happens when you make pancakes at home but never happens at IHOP. This crispness contrasts with the special sauce, especially the saucy pickle, if any of it made it this far and juice from the burger, the still cool lettuce and actually decent tomato. I can only compare it to the last bite of a well packed ice cream cone where ice cream has lasted until the very end. Magnificent.

*That bite looks exactly like this one, but on the other side.

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Wanders to the Flipside, Gets Spanked, Ponders Existence


Dear Readers and Assorted Internets Flotsam,

This weekend Three Bulls! attempted to have some japes and laughs at Little Green Footballs. It is hard to express LGF unless you have been there. It reminds of Free Republic, but in a way, Free Republic is much more free and there is not such a unity and monotony of thought.

Let us take you through events as they unfolded...

It so happened that Sadly, No! has become infested with trolls, as discussed below. These trolls led some of us to desire to see how "the other half lives" and thus an expedition to LGF was proposed. Unbeknownst to us naive "leftists" the right side of the internet likes to squelch discussion, and it turns out that you must register to comment at LGF, and most of the time, LGF registration is closed, thus disallowing interaction with members of that community about topics that are discussed there. This is the proprietor’s choice, and his prerogative. When it was observed that registration was indeed open on LGF this Saturday, yours truly decided to register for account(s). I say plural because it was the intent to have others enter the board, and provide "moral support". Let us know see Charles Johnson's (proprietor of LGF) side of the matter:
When I opened registration this afternoon, a veritable herd of trolls began trying to register multiple usernames, with free “throw away” email services and anonymous proxies to hide their identities. I’ve blocked at least seven of these bogus accounts (registered with names that reek of anti-Semitism).

Leftist tactics at their ugliest; they give themselves permission to lie, cheat, steal, and stalk their “enemies,” with no concern at all for morality or decency.

I’m watching, moonbats.
Let me remind you that at this point, not a word had been posted, so it is unclear how this could qualify as "ugliest" or even "leftist" for that matter. As for lying, cheating and stealing, again there is no evidence of that. The intent that one has when registering can not be proven or detected, only upon actual comments can it be determined. As for the whiff of anti-Semitism, that would be disturbing, but is there any evidence for that?
Let us continue:
UPDATE at 8/20/05 10:12:02 pm:

One of these people, who registered three different names with an account tracing to X University, actually had the gall to post a comment in this topic.

UPDATE at 8/20/05 10:31:31 pm:

Some of these creeps are coming from here [Sadly, No!], where they’re congratulating each other on being such excellent morons. What a sad, twisted bunch of losers.

A few of the names they tried to register:

BossHaganah
HebrewRaptor
ProphetEzekiel
MajorSS
My goodness, the first three names certainly don't strike one as "anti-Semitic", maybe "Semitic" or in fact pro-Israeli even. The last one- that possibly seems troubling, but it is not SSMajor, let's see the comment posts by MajorSS- to see if we can determine intent:
#177 MajorSS 8/20/2005 09:01PM PDT


#143 Catttt
Welcome to new LGFers. I remember waiting for days, then pouncing happily when Charles opened registration.

Thank you, Catttt. I'm a fresh new baby LGF'er and am honored to have joined. When it seems like everyone else is starting to forget 9/11, it's heartening to have places like this.

So this is a "galling" comment? Would it have something to do with Nazism or anti-Semitism? No, in fact what is galling to those on the hard right is that someone outside of their club would even mention 9/11 as if it only happened to their side of the country. I would grant that it could have been much more of a wake up call for them in their ultranationalist bubble, and a blow to their hyper patriotic pride, but 9/11 was a blow to all Americans. Just because their grandstanding and chest thumping is louder, more garish, and hollow doesn't mean that that day didn't affect all of us. So what is galling is the puffed-up offense that Mr. Johnson takes to the invasion of his den of racism and bigotry. In fact a current post on LGF now is a discussion that makes it seem like only LGF and their ilk even give two shits about what happened that day. I'm not going to sit back a relate how myself and every single person I know remembers exactly where they were that day, and who knew people on Flight 11, and whose cousin's cousin worked in 2 WTC, but happened to be at a meeting uptown and who was flying over the Atlantic right when it happened, because that would already be self-evident. Only a completely self-deluded megalomaniacal moron (ad hominem?, you betcha, but every single one of those attributes would affect one's ability to reason and hold reasonable beliefs, so I'll allow it) would not know that. See were judging him by his actions, not his intent. In fact he closed someone's account on LGF after they had posted over 1400 posts, many of which had been applauded highly, because he determined that the intent behind them merely was to determine the how LGF would response to inflammatory statements and hate speech, responses that were uniformly positive.

The difference between reason and unreasonable, is reason would be in Afghanistan now, have been there faster after it happened and in greater numbers and not compromise that situation before the job was done, but that is a discussion for a different day. I submit that many on LGF never gave a single let alone second thought to the Taliban before 9/11, and probably would have whole-heartedly concurred with Mr. Wolfowitz's assertion that there was no "history of ethnic conflict in Iraq" along with lapping up the laughable link between al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, but I continue to digress.

So Mr. Johnson has essentially no evidence of any foul play whatsoever at this point, but apparently he has determined that this is behavior at its "ugliest" and most deceitful. I'll grant that the behavior was based on deceit, but he had no evidence of that whatsoever. His misunderstanding of pro-Israeli terms, coupled with the unfortunate abbreviation of Major Shortssniffer (one of our fave trolls on Sadly, No!) to MajorSS, led him to conclude that a plot was underway. While we very much admit the plot, we certainly would not want Mr. Johnson in charge of a court of law, or God-forbid a London tube-station police detail. We would add that the insulation of his rabid brood from the worst we could offer them- speech and speech alone- strikes with us a chord the rings throughout the conservative world.

The chord is one of the "danger" of speech. "The insurgents are emboldened by speech." "The morale of Iraqis is suppressed by speech." "People are traitors by speech alone." These thoughts that our raping, murdering, torturing insurgent enemies are powered or inhibited by American discourse in the media are absolutely risible (yay a blog word!). If someone is already willing to lay down their life for their cause, how much more motivated do they have room to be? This is not about a decision to eat the last Ding Dong, even though you know you shouldn't, let's ask Oprah for 101 tips how not to do it, oops I did it because I had low self-esteem. The Lizardoids on LGF have a sad pathology, their desire is for the world to be a certain way, therefore if they enforce those desires and beliefs on others, then the world will become the way they believe it to be. I would liken it to Ben Shapiro's inevitable disgust at his probable desire to masturbate- the worse he feels about himself, the greater his desire to legitimize his choice of virginity and impose his beliefs on others, hoping that they will in turn legitimize him.

One last note: LGF maintains there massively pro-Israeli stance as being staunchly anti-anti-Semitism. This is clearly false, they are merely anti-Muslim. In fact, they constantly use racialist and nationalist language straight out of classic anti-Semitism and Fascism to support their anti-Muslim views. Their very use of the term "Islamofascist" is merely to engender a reactionary, nationalist response against it. This utter belief in the clash between cultures and the inevitability of such clashes is a pillar of Fascist literature. I point you to this quiz of LGF's greatest hits so you can see for yourself.

If Mr. Johnson had only let me post, I merely wanted to discuss with him the new Weezer record, which most certainly must suck, and he has discussed the fact that he was listening to it with the whole world, and get his opinion on In 'N Out Burger. He never knew that the most deceitful intent in my heart, being uncomfortable aping the hard core bootlicking nationalism and obsequiousness ever-present in his domain, was to ask him if he too enjoyed that last bite of juicy I-N-O burger, with the combination of crispy griddle-toasted bun, and cool lettuce and tomato with just the right amount of special sauce- if he too believed that the last bite was in fact even better than the first*. Could it have possibly been that such a demented character on the right could have a tiny sliver of common ground with such a Pink and Punk Pinko Punko as myself? I guess we'll never know, and I must say I think I'm glad not to have seen any good in him. It is possible that he is a bad enough guy that we shouldn't be fooled whatsoever. That being said, does he have a right to his borderline hate speech? Absolutely. Could he be held responsible for one of his minions actions? Morally, yes. Legally, probably not. And that's what makes America a free country. Oh woops, they haven't figure that out.

*That bite I was talking about looks exactly like this one, but on the other side.

And we continue...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Moobat and Lizardoid Thunderdome! Two Tribes Enter! One Leaves!


Chazmo didn't tell you guys what to write? Can you do better than telling us to suck our own dicks? It is moonbat hunting season, and you douches didn't bring any ammo!
UPDATE
Everthing is explained here (the Lizardoid side) and here (the side of the sane, albeit juvenile kids).



And we continue...

Comment threads open-come one come all!


No registration required, or jacket for that matter! Hate on us, we just wanted to talk to Charles about Weezer!



And we continue...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Three Bulls! Too Hot To Handle


When the info gets declassified, we'll give you possums the scoopage on the bunched up panties that happen when we merely strut on by. We're leavin 'em high and definitely not dry tonight boys! Kisses to the LGF! You boys got played like playas!

And we continue...

Conservative Humor

Conservative Humor Click away my hearties! Bwah hah hah hah! Remember Monday Goldberg Theatre starts here! Index on sidebar.

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And we continue...

Three Bulls! attempts to make concession to legibility.

You may or may notice the site has subtly changed- evolved as Pharyngula might say- or been noodled as Flying Spaghetti Monster might say. We await sweet fulsome and his pointed barbs. We need to feel bad about ourselves so we may have an excuse to eat a whole bag of Oreos. Please, sweet fulsome, make this Oreo thing happen. They tempt the fleshy Buddha belly of Pinko!

And we continue...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Pinko's Friday Musical Poop Shoot

Massively uncool this week, let's dive in. Just in time for the Trolls to show up (where are you Lynyrd Skynyrd???????)

1. Minstrel in the Gallery-Jethro Tull
Very wanky Jethro Tull that gets kind of cool/heavy about 4:15 in. Lots of proggy bits, 7 minutes long, weird lyrics about some minstrel and some gallery, and of course the flute pops up. Very pretentious. Not cool/heavy enough to save my coolness, but rocking enough to raise even a skeptical eyebrow, if one is deaf to lyrics, for one minute out of seven. 3/10

2. Oh Madeleine-Oranges Band
My least fave song from an entertaining indie rock/pop album All Around. Pitchfork may have shat upon their new one, but you don't listen to Pitchfork, do you? 4/10

3. Souvenirs-Patrick Wolf
I have no idea how this got onto my computer. Folky, melancholic. I feel like listening to it later. I'm a douche. Skip. N/A

4. I Am Waiting-The Rolling Stones
Very romantic, very sixties ditty from Aftermath, the Stones on their way to the full blown psychedelia of Their Satanic Majesties Request. As usual, has a darker undercurrent than you would expect. I think a lot of people underrate the Stones because not enough of them have died yet. 10/10

5. Playground for a Wedgeless Firm-The Chemical Brothers
Probably one of the least successful tracks from Exit Planet Dust. Just not great, has a little bit of a baggy beat in the middle, but just not really listenable, let alone danceable. 3/10

6. Welcome to the Monkey House-The Dandy Warhols
Nice litle bit of title track cheek from their soon to be not latest album (they have a new one out soon).

The lyrics need to be quoted here:
Wire is coming back again
Elastica got sued by them
When Michael Jackson dies
We're covering Blackbird
And won't it be absurd then
When no one knows what song they just heard
Unless someone on the radio tells them first
So come on come on come on
Come
Come on come on come on
Come on
Come on come on come on
You monkeys
7. Seymour Stein-Belle and Sebastian
Yuck. The worst B/S song? 1/10

8. Here Comes Alice-The Jesus and Mary Chain
Typical song from the homogenous Automatic. Fuzz rock scottish heroes with an america fetish. The highlight for me from this album is "Blues From a Gun". The song you know is "Head On". 5/10

9. Bells On-Sloan
Absolute genius unrequited "I love a girl but..." song from Canadian indie popsters Sloan from Twice Removed. A series of puns and twisting words of crushing emotion. Perfect for moping, and funny. Like a much sadder version of their first hit "Underwhelmed". Twisty Faster would claim patriarchy, but I would ignore her just for this one song. 9/10

10. Jack Ass-Beck
Secretly or not so secretly the best song from Odelay. I know you forgot you even had this cd. This is the best song. 1 billion/10


And we continue...

Friday musical revue

1. Undertaker - M. Ward
This is a sweet piece of AM nostalgia. It sounds like an much older song than it is. The guitar is slow, the singing slow, and the lyrics drowsy. Nice word play of "take me under undertaker take me home". 8/10

2. Golden Retriever - Super Furry Animals
Straight up rock song with good lyrics. More good word play abounds. The song isn't all that interesting though. Maybe it needs one more interlude or tempo change. 7/10

3. The Birds (narration) - Harry Nilsson
It might be a story and a narrative, but it doesn't take away from the charm of the music. It's about the leaf man. How cool is that? 8/10

4. Egg Hit and Jack Too - Grandaddy
This is really old Grandaddy material. All the elements of their sound are present, but it comes off more like a jam. Imagine old Dandy Warhols covering Grandaddy. I like some of the musical themes a lot but others are meandering. 7.5/10

5. This is not who we were - Mull Historical Society
More AM gold. It's all good music, but this one comes across a little saccharine-sweet. But the song is totally redeemed by the tempo change in the middle. Thank goodness becaues there are only so many times you can hear "This is not who we were; this is not who we're meant to be" without puking. 7/10

6. No Christmas While I'm Talking - The Walkmen
I can't make out a single lyric, but I like the music tremelo and buildup. It just has a good tense atmosphere and all the sounds are interesting. I like everything about this song. 8.5/10

7. Don't Say a Word (Hot Chicken #2) - Yo La Tengo
This song breaks your heart from the second it begins. It has the saddest sounding guitar I have ever heard. Ira is good at making his guitar sound like a woodwind and there is nice use of that effect. Music to have your heart broken by. 9/10

8. The View - Modest Mouse
This song doesn't sound like them except for the parts that don't sound like anybody else. I guess the melody is normal but the flourishes are all MM. Not bad, but not amazing. 7.5/10

9. Climb the Ladder - Of Montreal
Typical Of Montreal. The music is amazing and interesting, but the lyrics are somewhat insipid. This has more of an 80s influence. 8/10

10. Letter From an Occupant - New Pornographers
Perfect. The words that make no sense. The A.C. Newman falsetto. The Neko Case belting out. This song has been reviewed to death and always comes up the same. 10/10


And we continue...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Trouble with Trolls...

Trolls seek to destroy internet discourse with statements programmed to raise blood pressure and shatter argument. Their weapons are inept logic and improper hygeine. I have been following a cell of trolls that has been operating at Sadly, No! for the last couple of days. These laughable mental charlatans have given themselves non-sensical military nicknames that ironically paints them in a horrible light as they are not truly serving in our military, they are merely wreaking havoc on the web. These candid pictures represent these individuals*. Let me first introduce:

"Field Marshal Asshat"

The week li'l girlie man are to scared to respond!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by F.M. Asshat at August 18, 2005 10:51 PM
What a piece of work. Wow, this guy is a bastion of common sense and etiquette.


"Major Shortssniffer"

That's right no one cares because you leftwimps aren't funny!
LOL!!!!1!!1!!!!11!!
Posted by Major Shortssniffer at August 18, 2005 08:57 PM


Looks like a nice guy, but he's about to drive over some school buses full of kids before he mows down a row of crosses.

"Private Jockstrapper Johnson"

CENSORED- language too foul and horrble to repost

Wow. Yeah he looks like he could beat your ass down, but the Kevin Harvick freebie shirt suggests why this guy hasn't moved up the ranks.

"Capt. Trollypants"

Triple Heh, Indeedy, Jockstrapper!
We ownz these losers!
Posted by Capt. Trollypants at August 18, 2005 10:49 PM

Note that his pic has already been defaced by his "pals". Homophobia is rampant with these guys, also small dick jokes. And bragging about their sexual exploits with the female stars of the right wing blogosphere. It's vomitous. Since it is incomprehensible that these gentleman would actually couple with superstars of the right such as Kaye Grogan, or Marie Jon' of People Political, it's pretty clear that their sickening "fan fiction" is merely a literary and grammatical assault on literature and grammar.

The thing is, we like trolls, we like to fight with them, because as limited as our intelligence is, they make us feel better. We like to have fights on the internets because we wouldn't like to get into a fight in real life. People talk about feeding the Trolls, but the Trolly boards are the most lively and passionate, because they are the ones that convince you of your ultimate rectitude. If any of these characters shows up here, you'll see for yourself what complete colostomy bags they are. I hope they do, it will freshen up the place.




*random pics from the internets legal disclaimer

And we continue...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

We Urge Our New Readers To Read MONDAY GOLDBERG THEATRE

See sidebar for episode guide. Kaye Grogan, Cpl. Cmdr. W. Jonah Goldriker, Lt. Kathryn Jean Lopez, Admiral Rick Santorum, Lovable Sushi.


And we continue...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Monday Goldberg Theatre

MONDAY GOLDBERG THEATRE
*NEW TIME*
*WHENEVER*
See sidebar for previous eps.
Also, you might want to refresh your Hemingway here.
Episode 5: Will this sun ever set?
Please click image for full size.





And we continue...

Monday, August 15, 2005

Babka and Canada suck

Pinko and Canada are natural enemies.

And we continue...

I will forever hate Sadly, No! for not handling this situation.


"Dear Sadly, No! I am a goldmine of total cobaggery, yet have you dealt with my insanity? Not that Pinko Punko can recall. I AM VOX DAY, YOUR DREAM BOAT OF DOUCHERY."

And we continue...

Monday Goldberg Theatre Delay/Contest like non-contest

Monday Goldberg Theatre would not be Monday Goldberg Theatre if it went up on time on Mondays. That would be some other MGT, not this one. This one will be delayed. This one is more like "My Dinner With Jonah and K. Lo" therefore it requires research at the Corner, and I didn't hate myself enough this weekend to do it. Plus four people read it regularly, and only two people get it, and they don't even comment. We would take hate comments and requests. Also, if anyone has any action figures/characters they would like to suggest, let's hear them. We will have a contest for a Three Bulls! T-shirt for the best comment/action figure suggestion and/or donation. Legally this is not a contest, it is an exchange of one T-shirt for what Three Bulls! considers a useful idea and/or donation of action figures.

And we continue...

Awesome! The frontiers of stupid being pushed back as we speak!

Justice Sunday II. Everyone else is kicking ass on this one, especially Apostropher. We would like to add a couple of thoughts on Bill "Why Won't Anyone Shake My Hand, Don't We All Think Jews Are Behind Stuff?" Donohue's statement about "let's make all Supreme Court rulings unanimous." Seems like Bill thinks that the Supreme Court should have to vote 9-0 to overturn a law of Congress. That's great, Bill, but let's be even more fair, let's make Congress have to unanimously pass legislation, because it's the same principle, right? Wait, let's make a candidate have to take all 50 states to be elected POTUS! That would even be more fair! I think this means that places where dictators get 100% of the vote can show us a thing about how democracies should function.

And we continue...

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Twisty Faster slays us in our den of patriarchy

Many may know that Three Bulls! has a Beach Boys jones. Twisty Faster deconstructs "Wouldn't It Be Nice" here, causing us to mutter "Wouldn't It Be Nice if we could be as funny as the spinster aunt, whom we would allow to destroy us in our patriarchy for free because we know it would be funny."

And we continue...

In which we borrow a page from the General

Our apologies to Jesus' General, whom we think would approve.

Dear Dolly Parton,

Thank you for providing a patriotic Civil War experience for youngsters at your Dixie Stampede (TM) theme show and restaurant. It is important that the genocide of Native Americans be glossed over, so that the entertainment value of having a horse-riding competition between "North" and "South" for 40 bucks a head commence. It is even more important that children learn that the Civil War, or more rightly "War of Northern Aggression" (you don't call it that, but we know a wink wink when we see one), is discussed as being due to "two different ideas of patriotism" that came to a head at Fort Sumter in 1861. This is especially important in the state of Missouri that the young children there be shielded from old wives tales concering the Bushwhackers, Jayhawkers and the Order of American Knights. Clearly history has smeared these patriots just as it has their descendants, the KKK. Our only quibble with the glossing over of history presented at your great show, was that time wasn't allowed to discuss the KKK and their role in public works and the baking of pies. And when you appear in video at the end of the show to claim "there really is no North, or South, only the red, white, and blue" it truly makes the case that we can wave the "Southern Cross" and the "Stars and Stripes" together.

Yours in Patriotism and Rebellion,

Pinko Punko

And we continue...

Three Bulls! Branson, MO Posting will commence shortly.

Or will it? It is possibly too depressing to even contemplate. We would liken it to actually meeting a Kaye Grogan-like person and being forced to contemplate her collection of several thousand "Precious Moments" figurines in person, and then stabbing her in the back by ripping the ever-loving crap out of her on the internet. Except she hadn't first shown her true colors by writing what she thinks, only having been reasonably polite in a distinctly Southern way.

And we continue...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Friday Musical Poop Shoot

This collection is taken from Party Shuffle of my Cube's iTunes library, therefore is enriched for songs I generally think are worth keeping around, but completely randomly.

1. Where Does Yer Go Now - Gorky's Zygotic Mynci
One of the strong tracks from their best CD in my opinion, How I long to Feel That Summer in my Heart, this song has sentimentality, sweetness, and longing. It is also beautifully arranged musically with beautiful interludes of piano, banjo, bells, and perhaps even theremin. 9/10

2. Souvenirs - Patrick Wolf
A very nice understated melody. This song came from the EW Listen-to-this list, and I sure am glad that I did. There is beautiful guitar work accompanying and contrasting the singing. This song reminds me of something that Kings of Convenience would write, except without the harmonizing. The song does drag a little, but it's quite lovely. 8/10

3. Goodbye Stranger - Supertramp
This track ended up on my computer via the Magnolia soundtrack, but of course I have the original CD as well. This is just a great song, irrespective of your feelings about Supertramp. It has the good rhythmic piano, the 70s falsetto, and some of the best rhyming couplets ever put together. Sweet devotion. 10/10

4. In the Devil's Territory - Sufjan Stevens
Perhaps one of the songs that benefits most from a great title. I think this is one of the most haunting tracks from the incredibly strong Seven Swans. It begins purely instrumentally with banjo and piano setting a haunting and striving mood. The lyrics being simple and non-threatening, but the music tells a different story, and shortly we realize that something sinister is afoot. Talk of dragons and death complicate the simple desire of one man to be with his love. The song builds beautifully and complexly. It's such a great work. 10/10

5. Bicycle Rider - Beach Boys
This version is taken from the bootlegs and is purely instrumental except for some harmonizing at the end. Most of this theme ends up in Roll Plymouth Rock in the end, but the music tells a hybrid between Heroes and Villains and Do you like Worms? It's a cute interlude, but not really worthy of its own spot on the final SMiLE. 8.5/10

6. Grey - Simian
This song sounds very British. It would be very much at home on a Doves or Elbow CD, probably more so than on its resident CD, Chemistry is What we Are. It's still creatively arranged and interesting. But not great. 7/10

7. Cupid's Trick - Elliott Smith
Not one of the better tracks for Either/Or this song doesn't seem to have the right balance of pain and defiance. At times, it almost comes across as whiny during the 'It's my life' refrains. It also drags a little. It would be a very good song on most CDs, but on this one, it's a lowlight. 7/10

8. Ya Leil - Sufjan Stevens
Sufjan Steven's first effort, A Sun Came, is evidence that he was not musically perfect from the get go. This song is just not good. It tries to use Indian influenced instruments and lyrics to create a mood, but the mood is one of suckiness. Actually the sound of the instruments is kind of cool, but the music doesn't go anywhere. I don't like listening to this track for more than a minute or two. 5.5/10

9. Grow a new Heart - Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter
This is a good slow lazy song. It is sparesely arranged with good use of slide guitar, and bittersweet lyrics. I don't know why it isn't amazing and instead is just solid. But a very good kind of solid. 8/10

10. Song for Kelly Huckaby - Death Cab for Cutie
Taken from the almost unknown Forbidden Love EP, this track has most of the good qualities of early DCFC music. Great melody and yearning sense. It almost rocks a little, but not quite. The lyrics are clever and cynical, just like DCFC used to be. How I miss them. 8.5/10

And we continue...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Got time to waste?

Not any more. This site let's you type in a band name and then it will generate a map of all related bands that you might like based on tons of surveys done at the site. You can also take a survey yoursefl by merely saying you like, hate or haven't heard of 10 bands they ask you about based on three bands you say you like.

And we continue...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

SMiLE Live - A review from a year later


As anyone that knows me can attest, one of the most exciting things that happened to me last year musically was the release of Brian Wilson's masterpiece SMiLE. After inhaling the music and allowing it to circulate and repopulate the cells of my body, I also took in my very first live Brian Wilson performance at the wonderful Orpheum Theatre. I was so engrossed with how they made the music - looking at the soundboard guy, studying the instruments, and watching the singing interplay.

So what was in store a year later for Brian Wilson's return go of SMiLE? A better and more confident voice, and a spectacular evening! True, the acoustics at the Bank of Boston pavillion can't compare to the more intimate and controlled setting as the Orpheum, but the music was every bit as magical as the first time I heard it performed. The highlights were, of course, Brian Wilson's medley of songs from Pet Sounds (capped by the perfectly tender version of God Only Knows - which was the first time that tears came to my eyes that evening) and the complete performance of SMiLE. Last year, Brian Wilson's voice was not as sweet sounding and he sounded tentative. There was none of that this year. Every song came off perfectly and it resonated all that stronger. Of course it didn't hurt that adorable girlfriend was in my arms this evening, perhaps giving a little extra meaning to some of the songs. It was a magical concert and a magical evening in the fine hot city of Boston.

And we continue...

Rhetorical Question Quiz!

Three Bulls! would like to know this:

Since science has helped us know when a woman is pregnant, once she IS pregnant is sex still allowable under the culture of life? Would this not be spilling the man's seed? Would not an adulterous relationship with a fertile woman, not using birth control, be more appropriate than humping away on a temporarily "sterile" pregnant spouse? I mean in terms of making babies and stuff. Forget about snowflakes, wouldn't actually implanted blastocyst americans have a better shot at lifey, even if not from your wifey? Also, why do little spermies get the shaft? Why have I not been sued? I knew a kid that cranked it multiple times a day- someone should sue his hairy-palmed ass.

And we continue...

Monday, August 08, 2005

Monday Goldberg Theatre

EPISODE 4:
MISSION ACCOMPLISHABLE?
SEE SIDEBAR FOR PREVIOUS EPS






And we continue...

Who has been constantly degrading me this week? An occasional series.

Crossposted at Republic of Dogs.
Last night, while endlessly trying to find parking, I was constantly degraded by a gentleman on his bike riding in complete obliviousness. What was his misdemeanor, nay, felony, against me? Was he riding his bike at night wearing no reflection and listening to his douchey iPod? No, that would be the usual for around here. He was having an explicit love affair with his ice cream cone. His session of cone-ilingus was degrading to my very core as he weaved to and fro in front of me. In fact it was more like he was fellating his ice cream cone while taking up two lanes of the road. I mean I love ice cream and all but Cookie Jesus Who Art in Heaven (C.J.W.A.I.H.) rent a g*ddamn room with that thing and get off the road.

And we continue...

An Occasional Series-Jr. High Logic

This is a repost of a blast from the past. It regards the absolutely annoying toss-around of philosophy terms that the user doesn't really understand...today it relates to this post by Atrios.

So I’m walking down the street and The Nutter Butter is coming the other way. At first I think he’s walking his dog in an odd fashion, but then I notice that it’s not a dog, it’s actually a goat. And he’s not walking it, he’s *ucking it. He is actually copulating with a live goat, who doesn’t seem to be consenting. In front of the world and Your G*d and all the angels, even the evil ones. Shocked to my very core, with my eyes burning, until I am physically blinded, I fall to the ground. I hear laughter mixed with the indescribable sound of a goat having something indescribable done to it. I grope and grasp with my throat choked with dust.
I call out to The Nutter Butter:

“You goat *ucker!”

Nutter Butter: “Ad hominem.”

I collapse, defeated by his deadly and deafening retort. He is the master and I am but his slave.


And we continue...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Wait until you see this cartoon...

Vodkapundit shows us this cartoon, and let's explain exactly what it means.

And he claims that someone, somewhere is "busted" by it. This post of his is the equivalent to trying to regale your coworkers with the retelling of some joke about Mimi from the Drew Carey show in year 7. It's just not funny, and you shouldn't be telling it, it will only make you look bad. This guy puts the coconut in the macaroon. We have all the old conservo-douchery in the same unbelievably lame cartoon. A cartoon that makes Mallard Fillmore look sophisticated. Let's bring out the ol' chestnut of the NY Times liberality and then claim they aren't covering some non-story about Air America- you can hear the LOL!! ROTFLMAO! from here. The deafening chorus of "hehs" explodes upon our eardrums. These guys are complete ninnies. Please tell us how shitty our page is to prove our point for us.

And we continue...

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Saturday Night Clubbing

Cross posted at Republic of Dogs.

Three Bulls! do not get out to the club much, partially because we like more straight ahead music, you know songs, we can handle the clubby stuff, but usually the good bits are scattered within 10 minute monstrosities. We like the 2 Many DJs/Soulwax approach, which is mash-ups and mixing for shorter attention spans, which leaves the good bits shorter, but you won't get stranded in some f*cking hook wasteland, efforting the hell out of yourself trying not to look bored to death so you can keep the faux sense of coolness about your person, while trying to act like you are not staring at the particular boy/girl shaking their junk/trunk.

We present our square list of songs that we love at the club, plus a couple that we would love but have not actually heard at the club yet. This list may appeal to oldsters with a more 80s/Goth/Industrial/Brit lean.

1. Wrote for Luck-Happy Mondays
6 minutes of hypnotic jangly riff sawing its way through your memory as you can just tune out, Shaun Ryder covers it with his drunken poor-teeth hollering. Different from their later club-a-riffic "Kinky Afro", "Step On" and "Bob's Yer Uncle" trifecta from Pills, Thrills and Bellyaches. File under Madchester, Baggy.

2. Sex on Wheels-My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
Film-noir-Camp Industrial, but fun for the club, perfect for the Drag Queens to sing "Do my kisses burn?/Do they take your breath?/You gotta lesson to learn/It's the kiss of death! SEX ON WHEELS!"

3. Headhunter-Front 242
Helicopter-blade Belgian industrial probably about the slave trade perfectly diffused by the boy on the platform singing to all the pretty boys with his interpretive dance about "setting the line, spreading the net, catching the man" etc. etc.

4. Money/Naive-KMFDM
The first is a patriarchy deflating mockery of the working man's daily toil, by US-German industrial collective. Preceeded and interspersed with a sythesized Wagnerian monster operatic club killer riff that gives the laughable proceedings a perfect pseudo gravitas for feeling good and pretending to look better doing it. The second, five minutes of beat, funky-for-Germans bass, muttered industrial commands, and punctuated by divine female backup singer hooks about "that's the way of the world/what'you waiting for/she has to be loved/everybody needs somebody" then a guitar riff that sounds like it was piped in from important symbolic rock-God world. All while you get your swerve on. The Germaness keeps you in your pseudo serious "I'm cool" pose, so you don't get shunned by the club gods and goddesses that are working it on their islands of fabulousness, while you are swimming in the sea of people, hoping to gain their favor. Honotable mention for "Juke Joint Jezebel", which doesn't quite give you the perfect dance platform before you are blown away by the chorus.

5. Testure-Skinny Puppy
Hypnotically eerie keyboard intro that carries into the song before the bassy blips start worming their way into your soul. Yeah, the song is about animal testing from these Canadian industrial pioneers, but its hard to notice that as you sweat through your PETA-unfriendly hair gel, and look fab doing it.

6. Kittens-Underworld
Might work better for the partaking crowd, but 4 or so minutes of straight drumming, with maybe sword noises, before you notice that the beat is actually pretty complex, and then the organ-y synth comes in and builds into something like Middle Eastern churchy music that friggin kills. Honorable mention also for Underworld's Cowgirl/Rez live mix from Everything, Everything. Some might know Cowgirl from the Hackers soundtrack with then unknown Angelina Jolie. Rez is an instrumental B-side that completely hypnotizes and can be seemlessly fit into the middle of Cowgirl.

7. Dominion/Mother Russia-Sisters of Mercy.
I don't know how cool a Goth track can be that has saxophone straight out of Tina Turner's "One of the Living" from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (I think a drag queen could kill with that one), but this song comes close as Andrew Eldritch spits out stuff about Russia/Red Square whatever in his creepy bass/baritone. This song was totally killing at Homesick night at the now defunct Industry in Pontiac, Michigan, when some girl decided to partake in this other girl's meow mix, RIGHT THERE ON THE CLUB FLOOR, up against the railing of the stage. I of course, just looked away, as I could not break my Capt. Dancypants persona.

8. Fine Time-New Order
Less well known than their giant sorority girl crowd pleasers, this song acts all suave, saying "you're much too young, to mess around with me" in that cigarette pack warning label way- "yeah, you're too young, but we're gonna do it anyway" is what the song says, because "you got style, you got class, but most of all, you got a lot of technique" as the lazerbeams hit and the pretty boys and girls vogue.

9. I Think I'm In Love-Spiritualized (Chemical Brothers Remix)
J. Spaceman's a-holish ode to heroin is reimagined as a dance floor big beat planetarium laser show odyssey. Not so much for the floor all the way through, but for chilling in the "VIP" section of the club sipping on 100 dollar a bottle champagne on (someone else's dime, natch) waiting for the right breaks to kick it into gear waiting for the Doctor Who sounding bits.

10. Fools Gold- The Stone Roses
Like the soundtrack to some dipshit Leo DiCaprio boy/girl cheesecake fest camping trip in the tropics that goes horribly, horribly wrong (I guess this is how I imagined The Beach, screw the Moby). "The pack on my back is aching/the straps seem to cut me right in half" as you shake your skinny ass down the trail to hell and don't even know it for 10 minutes of straight temptation, you won't remember when you actually sold your soul, or signed anything.

11. Are Friends Electric?-Gary Numan
Poor android in disguise Gary Numan thinks he's human, wonders if it is Ok that his friends are appliances, not realizing his own circuitroid nature. You are filled with the desrire to drunkenly do the robot to this one, but what would be more awesome for a video here is some country music line-dancers at a cowboy/girl bar all of a sudden doing the robot when this comes on before you realize that they are all robots when one of dancers' eyes pops out dangling from a wire and glowing a dull orange behind the braincase motherboard. Now that would be f*cking awesome.

12. We Don't Give a Damn About Our Friends-Girls On Top
The decidedly superior mashup remix of Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me" and the above song that the Richard X produced Sugababes bland redo. The original "Freak Like Me" was a patriarchy uplifiting ode from a freaky girl with freaky secrets that likes to do you night and day, the only tests you'd have to pass would be presumably paying for the date (explicitly mentioned), having a huge c*ck (implied), and being able to keep it on, going strong (as it were) (DEMANDED). However, Ms. Howard placed over our sad android fare suggests a nice robot counterpoint. Everyone is a robot, but they just don't know it, acting out their parts for our robot overlords. This song becomes an unstoppable force. You must bow down to it.

What's your song for the club? You have one, and put it in the comments- be theresville or be squaresville!

And we continue...

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friday Musical Poop Shoot

1. Never Let Me Down Again- Depeche Mode
Whether you want to consider it being about smack or not, this is what I consider the highpoint of a band that maybe is too 80s, “gay” or retro for a lot of people. This song would still kill in the club. Dave Gahan sings like he means it, and it almost killed him. For their formula, this is as relentless as they could get, and it almost gets out of the Depeche Mode box, but Martin Gore’s too precious outro singing brings it back down. 8/10

2. Destruction/Drawn- The Wrens
A nice little ditty of strummed guitar and two threads of lyrics dancing around each other. From New Jersey noise-popsters than might just run you over int he next song with a blast of basement rock. From Secaucus. 6/10

3. Underwear- The Magnetic Fields
A ditty about pretty boys and girls in their underwear. From the genius 69 Love Songs. 6/10

4. Be In- The Dandy Warhols
They open their show with this building, climbing psychedelic swirl of guitars and riffs. This riff was borrowed by BRMC in Heart +Soul. Probably (definitely) about sitting around doing drugs, I guess, in one’s room. Regardless, an awesome wall of sound that sucks you in, and they play the shit out of it in concert. 1 billion/10

5. Blown a Wish- My Bloody Valentine
From their great Loveless, which I suspect more people namecheck than actually like. These are the same people that sheepishly shit on their copies of Moby’s Play once that got played out and go to Pixies shows claiming they always like them, but still keeping their eye on which way the wind is blowing. Also the same guys that put the shiv in Weezer after their last album. Not my fave from this album. Multitracked to a million vocals, wall of sound collage that sounds like thousands of record players with shorts in their speed control. 6/10

6. When Will You Come Home-Galaxie 500.
From On Fire. The band that foreran Luna and Damon & Naomi, Northeast slow-core heroes. This one’s OK, but I am liking Luna more and more and would recommend checking out any of their albums. 7/10.

7. Before You Cry- Camera Obscura.
From the geniusly named Underachievers Please Try Harder. Scottish superstuds Camera Obscura sing pop gems about love and the absence of love. If Belle and Sebastian decided they wanted to care again. Boy and girls singers. One of the albums of last year. So very good. 9/10.

8. Orbitus Teranium- BT
Probably a cheezy song. I don’t know. Lots of bleeps, sounds like a video game, some bits sound really good, like the great incidental music BT did for Go on addition to the soundtrack, you know something that works OK in a movie about raves and shit. The sappy little piano breaks, those don’t work. 5/10. From ESCM.

9.Inner Meet Me- The Beta Band
Recently broken up Scottish psychedelic sound collagists/samplers/Brian Wilson worshippers dropped this on one of their stunning debut EPs available as The Three EPs. They will always amaze. 9/10.

10. She Hangs Brightly- Mazzy Star
Hope Sandoval sounds like she is singing over a lost Doors Track from a The End/When the Music’s Over extended poetry freakout. Not a highlight, but they have know bad albums. Title track from their first I believe. 6/10.

And we continue...