Monday, December 19, 2005

The Mirror Universe Has Two Faces-Evil Spock and Super Evil Spock

Imagine an Evil Spock more Evil that this one, a Super Evil Spock, trained in illogic and unreason, fighting terrorists for liberty. I know. I KNOW. IT'S HARD.

UPDATE: You just watched the press conference. Was that effluent de cobag anymore convincing? The only thing I am convinced of is Super Evil Spock is having his day, preparing for the time when we will all be forced into EAT IT COBAG camps.

Three Bulls have previously discussed the alternate universe that resides on the other side of the aisle. This is not the same universe where Evil Spock has a beard. In this other other universe, Super Evil Spock devilishly concocts illogical contrivances unequaled in the history of human thought. And this illogic is the exact logic that will capture and spear the hearts of al Qaeda and Iraqi insurgents alike, the emotionally fragile terrorist networks with low self-esteem.

Remember how easily these terrorists can be emboldened? Hillary-Hairy Legs orders a soy-chai? al-Zarqawi opens an "IED" factory. Sergio Slappypants marries his boyfriend in quaint P-Town ceremony? Taliban units regroup, grow some opium.

See the whole time, George W. Bush, he's been playing it cool, with the help of Super Evil Mr. Spock. He's been saying that he's going after the bad guys and he's serious, but all they know is that he didn't seem really serious when he let bin Laden go at Tora Bora. But that's part of the plan. The other part of the plan, linking Iraq with al Qaeda, and then invading Iraq (the whole time al Qaeda is all "sphincter say what?"). All this crazy behavior could only lead them to do one thing: lower their defenses. All of their defenses except one. The warrant detecter. al Qaeda have always operated in an incredibly cavalier fashion. When Zarqawi calls me up, I see his name right there on the caller ID, in fact he insists we talk on speaker phone in a public place and that I can't use my code name, and I must refer to him always by full name. In fact, when he comments on Three Bulls! he has a little gravatar with his picture on it. He feels he can be this way because G. Dub hasn't really been serious at all about terrorism or the never-ending war on terror.

That would have been his fatal mistake except the douchey New York Times screwed it up (here's Hilzoy with the drama and details). Al Qaeda's last defense was always their ability to detect any and all warrants issued for determining any criminal activity. Even warrants issued by rubber stamp secret courts! You see? But we were circumeventing their little plan by skipping the warrants, and how would they ever know? Without the New York Times' grave treason, al Qaeda would still be ordering Triple Whoppers using credit cards in their own names!!! We even had al Zarqawi in custody and let him go, just in the hopes of apprehending him in a much more humiliating way, like at a Medieval Times matinee with Anna Nicole Smith! NOW THEY WILL KNOW TO BE MORE CAREFUL. They have eluded the skillful trap set by our Iraq masquerade, a trap set with thousands of deaths Iraqi and American alike. F*** you New York Times cobags, how could you?

That's just what G. Dub and Super Evil Spock want you to think- here's the deal- you're thinking, nobody could believe such an outrageous claim as the fact that America's hands are supposedly tied by due-process and civil rights. That just doesn't sound like the claim of a sane or serious person. And that is exactly what Super Evil Spock wants you to think. It's the old double switch, my friends. I predict with every increasingly laughable assertion of illogic and cobaggery, crack American teams of cunning masterminds will be bringing al Qaeda down, one MySpace account at a time.