Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Teh l4m3 THIS IS YOUR LIFE-PRINCESS FOR A DAY

In honor of internet wunderkind/scatalogical mastermind (we actually know what that word means, Dub) Teh l4m3, Three Bulls! presents the first probably not annual "Pony-like Award For Services Rendered*."

We begin our proceedings with a biography of our hero.

Teh l4m3 was born in an unknown dimension to unknown parents. The end. Just kidding. What we don't know about Teh is a lot, which contrasts with the opposite, that which we know, which is very little. Of what little we do know is that he was found as an infant in a wicker basket, floating in the River Nihil clutching the 8-track version of the Xanadu Soundtrack and swaddled in some remaindered Strawberry Shortcake mousepads (to those new to Three Bulls! let me explain to you what is funny about that: we made that item up and then searched for it in Google and found that it existed).
An early clue into teh's soul

Teh was raised by gay wolves in a magical forest with his twin brother, Jonah Goldberg. After the pogrom against gay wolves led by John "Totally and unremittingly straight" Podhoretz, the twins were separated, going on to lead very different lives, one doughy, one less so.

Given to the care of a couple of libertarian appliances, one a Roomba and the other a debauched Segway scooter, Teh entered his teenage formative years.
"Teh Mom"

He could be seen cruising the neighborhood in his pimpwagon.
Le Wagon de Pimpe

The soundtrack in his head was of course My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult's "Sex on Wheels", however the sonic image created in the heads of observers was this one (most important link in this entire post), the self-same song soundtracking George Bush's frantic mountain bike rides to nowhere amongst the encroaching tombstones of Arlington Natl. Cememtary. Always accompanying Teh on his teenage rambles were Stutler and Wildorf™, two animatronic leftovers from the failed conservative muppet-knock off theme park in his neighborhood. The two robots would sit in the backseat spouting endless loops of inane criticism, recently they were discovered plugged into the servers at PowerLine.
Not Stutler and Wildorf™

Anyway, they would cruise around town looking for creatures of the meadow with which to have tea parties.
An old friend of Teh.

These innocent times were shattered by the obsession that was to characterize much of Teh's later, darker years. TQFJTC. We cannot speak more of this troubling time, only that it resides in Teh's psyche as a gnawing, unending hunger, possible never to be filled.

Teh was reborn through the power of the internets. Now he preaches his particular combination of tastlessness, scatology, and heart-warming stories at a little white church of light background called Freedom Camp. He ranges far and wide in his travels, taking the time to lovingly craft his missives for all the bloggers on the internet. Sometimes a thread will only have two comments, invariably one will be Teh L4m3's, the other, the lonely proprietor of the webpage. Never once was Teh seen to have uttered "EAT IT COBAGGOS!!!!!!11!!121" without a gleam of frienship in his eye.

His commenting alacrity is amazing, inspiring and sometimes, nauseating.

Teh l4m3 on the English language. Teh l4m3 being onscure and disgusting in one fetid breath. Teh l4m3 being erudite and rudite. Skewering a fellow bogger. Current events. Skittles. Steel Reserve. Flavor crystals.

Let's go to our celebrity endorsers: Tara Reid. Margot Kidder. Mike Hunt (no relation). Christopher Reeves' Ghost. Stephen Hawking. Carey Roberts (who?). Jonah Goldberg. Donald Rumsfeld. Frances Bean Cobain. Jean Brodie. Drew Barrymore. Lamar Latrell (who the eff?). MJ'. Wilford Brimley. Dr. Theopolis. Twiki. Suzanne Whang. Michael Jackson. Lorne Greene. Maria Conchita Alonso. Ozzy. Billy Dee Williams.

Inanimate objects: Eye Wash Station. Some Nazi. Glenn or Glenda Reynolds. Grover Norquist.

Fictional characters: Charlotte Simmons. James Dobson.

Unclear: Richard DiMatteo.

Internet munchwagons: Markos.

Constructions: Hatress (sic) of Bad Words.

Dictators: Too many to mention, including Subcommander Marcos.

These are but a few of the tools in his arsenal. Today we are proud to award Teh L4m3 the first ever "Pony-like award of Freedom and Democracy*", in its award form in is similar to the "Golden Kip Winger" awarded by the Poor Man, but instead is a "Golden Onion Wiener." While it is nothing like a Pony, nothing ever really is. This is a fundamental truth about Ponies, and Pony-like entities. We are very proud of Teh , and we salute him. Amongst the prizes he is to receive, we dedicate this song (click the fly labeled "video" then the bug labeled "Ooh La La", not for those running Windows 95, I'm looking at you, Nutter) to the memorial Teh L4m3 drag show and revue. We also mentally requested and listened to from KBLW "Let It Whip" by the Dazz Band in Teh's honor.

Finally, while we were saving this for an awesome Jonah Goldberg post about Tigerman, we have decided to name Teh L4m3 "Princess for a Day" and not just any Princess. No not Princess Leia (yawn, played and spanked out my friends), but the ultimate in Space Princesses and the only one diva enough for Teh L4m3-----


PRINCESS ARDALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here is your crown, wear it well little one! Fly away, fly free!!!
Teh l4m3, you may also choose a Three Bulls! T-shirt/thong (from our shoppe, just to the right) of your desire for free, or you may wait for the SPECIAL EDITION T-shirt, which will come along sometime around the next MGT**

*Pony award not actually awarded.

**Could be next month!!!!!!!!!