Friday, September 16, 2005

Aborted Rant of the Day

I was all ready to completely go off the friggin charts with a rant about the apparent Madison Ave. brain drain and the fact that they can market W. as somehow in charge of anything , they can market John Kerry as a traitor, they can market Nascar as having personalities (what gives you personality would get you thrown in jail for vehicular assualt) and they can't friggin market a G. D. Mars bar in the United States.

Remember that kids? We've already lost our barely held together shit about the freeze out of the delightful Cameo cookie by the million kinds of Oreos. But today we were having a breakfast of M&M/Mars Breakfast Miniatures (well that's what they should be called- they're so little they basically talk to you the second you see the bag-"just eat me for breakfast, no one will know"). And after getting pissed off at three Milky Ways in a row (that's a frickin European Mars bar- I don't want to hear about it, Euro cobags), we pondered the fate of the delightful US Mars bar sold to us in our youth by the delightfully ethnic Cpl. Klinger. You may know him as Jamie Farr.

This candy bar was nougat, caramel and almonds. See peanuts are OK, but they are trashy. Almonds are the bomb. So after trying to market that bad boy for a million years, M&M/Mars got tired. They probably lost all their talent to RJ Reynolds "smoking is good for you" division, or TexaChevronPhillipsOilWad's division of "global warming isn't real but if it is it's good for you now look over there, is that Julia Roberts and the twins?" division. Anyway, they just laid down in the road and died.

Sweet Cookie Jesus, were they passing this guy out at the Freedom March? Why don't they just slap Toby Keith's slavering mug on this turd. Oh, "Great New Taste"?? Shit, when are they coming to brainwash me? I seem to remember what the hell this tasted like just fine, back when it was a MARS BAR. When will the cobaggery end??

They decided that Americans were too dumb to understand what a Mars bar was. After 30 years of commercials. They decided that it was a "Snickers WITH Almonds F*** Yeah" bar, after telling us for a million years that what made Snickers a Snickers was the douchey peanuts. That pisses me off. Sleep with one eye open, Milky Way, you are soon to be sleeping with the fishes, while "Snickers without nuts!" unsuccessfully tries to bang your wife. Watch your back, Three Musketeers, "Snickers Just Nougat" is gonna shiv you in the yard. Thanks, marketers. How is it that you can pretty much market up as down, and not just market a f***ing Mars bar?