Thursday, August 04, 2005

If Walmart were a deliciously evil restaurant...



It would be the Cheesecake Factory. "Hi, here's your obscenely portioned well-prepared entree from our phone-book like menu. Remember to save room for a 7 dollar slice of cheesecake!"


Because the Cheesecake Factory "changes their menu" soooo often, they don't bother to list nutritional info on their website. Define often, cobags. The grease oozing mound of delicious popcorn shrimp has been on the menu for 1000 years. Nice, it is like the credit card companies saying they don't want to tell consumers how long it would take to pay of their debt at the rate of minimum payment. Those complete cobags claim that "rates can change, payments can change, we don't want to be inaccurate." Just take an average, a-holes, we'll spot you 2o% on either side, you know the number is still going to be obscene. I guarantee if people didn't have a don't ask/don't tell policy with the goo they stuffed into their munchboxes, they wouldn't order as much as they do. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (those people that issue reports every year saying how bad X and Y types of food are have this to say: "A single slice of carrot cake from the Cheesecake Factory chain has 1,560 calories and 23 grams—more than a day’s worth—of artery-clogging saturated fat, according to the report." Compare that slice of carrot cake , and the appetizer you just had and let's say you're glutton enough to eat HALF of your entree. Do you honestly think you are going to get out of there under 3000 calories? When you see Delish and Disgust tomorrow, you are going to be shocked at how little that food would be compared to the usual Cheesecake Factory monstrosity.

And they do such a large volume o' business, I think them moving into a neighborhood is like having all the local restaurant owners taken out and shot. I mean the bulk discounts they must get- it's not just the tables they have, it's that they shovel four times as much into your muppet hole as well.