Karl Rove-My Spiritual Locker Partner
Our first serious post. As serious as anything can be that mentions the film Real Genius.
Let me share with you, dear readers, a depressing brush with the power behind our President, our minister of mean, highly functioning autistic, possible fluffy *ucker, Karl Rove. The article we will be discussing today is a three year old piece of blowjobbery about Dear Karl from the Deseret News, a newspaper probably about 70% as corrupt as The Washington Times. The D-News is one of two papers in Salt Lake City, UT, where I grew up for better or ill, and is owned by the Mormon Church. Actually I shouldn’t have to tell you that, descriptions of ownership in Utah are actually opt-out, you only need to say something if a person place or thing is not owned by “The Church.”
Let us begin:
Rove's Utah roots help him defy the odds
Copyright 2002 Deseret News
By Lee Davidson
Deseret News Washington correspondent
WASHINGTON — Karl Rove rocks with laughter in his White House office as he describes the unorthodox strategy that won a race most people figured was impossible. He is not describing his direction of George W. Bush's runs for Texas governor and president of the United States. Nor is it his helping Texas Republicans to take over all its 29 statewide offices just a few years after losing all but one. It isn't even this year's electrifying GOP gains in Congress, which pundits and opponents credit him with orchestrating.
The smiles come from Rove's 1968 run for student council president at Olympus High School in Utah.
The first brick-shaped sh*t to remodel my round bunghole due to this was my state's claiming of Karl Rove for its very own.
As many from smaller, more rural, or more whack job states may now, when you are not from a big state you are insecure about your little state, or your big empty state. It is the small town feel, where "local boy makes good" stories provide a feel-good buzz for the self-conscious citizens. Except Utah has that on a state level. Watching State officials literally trip over themselves to bribe International Olympic Committee members for the Winter Olympics was a sorry ass sight, to be made worse by getting caught. "Well, the Japanese did it the last Olympics" was the excuse, "well they didn't get caught so we're still small time" thought I. I halfway felt Utah tried to claim Ted Bundy for killing people within our borders. I felt a little bit of pride when Jane's Addiction used a sample of Ted talking about Salt Lake City in their song "Ted Just Admit It." I felt we had made the big time. We've had psychos left and right, Ron and Dan Lafferty, Mark Hoffman, The Unabomber came through here. So there is a massive insecurity about how our little oddball state is viewed by the outside world and a craving for acceptance. Therefore I was not surprised that the D-News claimed Rove for our state, but that he had spent any time in Utah at all (indeed 10-12th grades, and a couple of years at the U. (of Utah, is there any other?).
And that brings me to the second sh*t brick to load my trousers. Karl Rove went to my high school and he is telling the world some jolly anecdote about it.
You see, I graduated from Olympus High School. I just found out that Karl Rove was my spiritual locker partner. Perhaps we could sing the fight song together at a reunion. The first verse is exceptionally stirring:
Here at Olympus where the Titans grow,If we did meet at a reunion, he'd probably be there to Basque-whack someone. Do you know how depressing this situation is? I just know he was in debate.
You’re gonna find yourself on winners row.
There’s not another can half compare,
If you’re not from Olympus, You’re from nowhere.
Let me digress for a moment to discuss Olympus High. It is a suburban school that has been open for probably around 40 years, and was enough on the edge of some development that there were occasional vacant lots and fields when I was growing up, and new subdivisions when I went there.
Let's got to the tale of the tape.
Here is some school data from Utah School Tree.org. Let's get inside where Karl spent his randy teenage years. Here is the ethnic make up:
We won't pretend you can read this, the data on the left are the ethnic make up of my high school, the middle is the district, the right is the state-wide ethnic make-up. Pretend that blue is white, and you get the idea for this red, red state. Now think back 30 odd years, and imagine even more blue, the bluest of cerulean blue and that is how white the school probably was. I would add it was probably more middle class back then. The middle class is definitely shrinking, and I wouldn't consider it all gone, but it is shrinking even in Utah, a relatively cheap state in which to live. My guess would be school wasn't as affluent in Karl's day as it is now. Anyway, here's some more data:
This is a graph that represents the Tarbaby:Rastafarian ratio of Olympus High. I think we can confidently say it was 0:0 in Karl's time. Let's us continue with our story:
It — plus some later mentoring by, surprisingly, some liberal Democrats in Utah — taught him how hard work and unexpected moves can help underestimated longshots win against long odds. That's useful in working with Bush, whom Rove says "is one of those people who, for whatever reason, is chronically underestimated."
Rove, Bush's top political strategist, says that no one looking at him back in 1968 would expect him to win that student senate race against a popular opponent who had been president of both their sophomore and junior classes.
"I was the complete nerd. I had the briefcase. I had the pocket protector. I wore Hush Puppies when they were not cool. I was the thin, scrawny little guy. I was definitely uncool," he says. He spent his free time in the library preparing for the debate team. [Quel suprise!] But the teacher adviser to the student senate, Pat Ferrell, talked him into running. With her help, they recruited "the popular captain of the basketball team and an incredibly attractive senior girl to be chairmen of my campaign."
[Pat Ferrell was one of the most popular teachers in school. She passed away from cancer when I was there- I never had a class with her, but she was the Carpe Diem type. Coincidentally, why don't they make movies about awesome teachers that inspire their students to great evil?]
Next, he said, they found maybe the most talented artist in the school to make the campaign posters. "We made our signs by cutting words out of magazines. It was exceptionally witty and funny — and nerdy," he says. But the big challenge would be in the school elections assembly. Rove said his opponent, John Sorensen, "had always won by having himself delivered to the podium to give his speech in an outhouse. John Sorensen — get it? John (a synonym for outhouse)?" Rove expected a repeat and says he knew it would be tough to outdo that. So his campaign sneaked a Volkswagen into school hallways by removing some doors. "I made my entrance into the auditorium in a Volkswagen Bug filled with incredibly attractive girls. Two girls on each arm delivered me to the podium," he said.
Uh, not at my school. Attractive maybe, but you couldn't really tell, it was like we had Sharia or something.
Rove said the stunt "inflamed the principal" but helped the underdog win the unwinnable race with hard work, finding new ways to spread his message, and doing the unexpected — mixed with luck.
What the crazy is this? Did this even happen? I went to that great school- home of the Titans- my sister won her Student Body Secretary race by the mere inclusion of AC/DC into her election assembly slide show, and it wasn't even Bon Scott! This school was dorky enough that a 7-11 across the streetwent out of business, and I doubt it was for selling alcohol to minors, people were too slack to even loiter in an econimically productive way. Not wanting to be too much of a lame ass and demand an investigation into this election lie that engendered many election lies to come, but does this story sound familiar? Has Karl seen Real Genius too many times? It is clear he does not imagine himself as Val Kilmer, but does that make George Bush Val Kilmer? Will Karl go on to talk about how they built a transmitter into poor John Sorenson's head?
Karl: "John Sorenson, this is God. I want you to stop pulling this outhouse gag. For My sake, you are 27 years old and you pull that sh*t every year. Oh, and I'm gonna get you drafted, taken prisoner by the North Vietnamese, released, elected Senator just for you to try this shit again so I can tell people that you fathered a colored baby out of wedlock and talked to the VC. And I'm gonna make up some fake flyers having you attack me, to make you look bad. And that is if you are lucky. I might just tell everyone you're a pedophile."
John: "Oh my God!"
Karl: "You're talking to him. And, John? I'm going to need you to stop touching yourself."
John: "It is you, God!"
This is the cafeteria where all sorts of hijinks occurred. Karl and Chris were building this laser for Prof. Hathaway. Karl had a crush on this French foreign exchange student. She gave him the confidence to ski the K-12. Ricky wanted to molest her and his mom was a total bitch. Oh, I'm confused, that was Karl's junior high. The girl here was Jordan. She was cool. Smart too, and did she ever put out. Anyway, stupid Kent, I mean John Sorenson tried to put the kibbosh on things. But they showed him. They reassembled his car and some stuff. Plus they made ice and snow inside, even though Salt Lake gets 150 million inches of snow every year. Also they filled Prof. Hathaway's house with popcorn and popped it with this big laser in space. It was awesome. I wish it were like that when I went to school there. I had a kit kat and a coke everyday for lunch and had to work at Arby's after school. Real cool, *sswipes, no one has ever written "*uck you" in Arby's sauce before or stuffed a Beef 'N Cheddar into a ketchup bottle. Couldn't you tell I was hurting on the inside?? Good times.
Rove, 51, said those are among the many political lessons he learned, and still uses, from the five years he lived in Utah. "It wasn't a long period of time, but it was a great period of time," he said.
Among these lessons was that you need to hook up with Lazlo for the laser to work. Lazlo was funny. He lived down in the steam tunnels. He was still there when I was there, he just was disguised as a kindly janitor.
Rove's family, which lived earlier in Colorado and Nevada, moved to Utah when he was entering high school so his father could take a job with Vitro chemical. Rove would later attend the University of Utah for two years before leaving to chase political opportunities elsewhere.
But, quite literally, the falling dominoes of political connections that led him to the White House began at Olympus High School with a teacher-mentor named Eldon Tolman.
"He has since departed. But he was everything I am not. He was a liberal Democrat. He loved labor unions. He was an official of the Utah Education Association and was a huge Lyndon Johnson Democrat," Rove says. But Tolman also inspired a love of politics in Rove — and literally pushed Rove into campaigning. "In 1968, he said everybody else could get an 'A' in his class by doing the course work. . . . But he said if I wanted an 'A,' I had to get involved in a political campaign," Rove says. So he did. "I was the Olympus High chairman for (former U.S. Sen.) Wallace F. Bennett's re-election campaign, where he was opposed by the dynamic, young, aggressive political science professor at the University of Utah, J.D. Williams." Williams would also later become another mentor of Rove, and Bennett's son — current Sen. Bob Bennett, R-Utah — would become a friend. The experience pushed over more dominoes toward the White House. The next came when friends from the Bennett campaign, and an internship with the Utah Republican Party, helped Rove land a job on a Senate campaign in Illinois. That, in turn, led to a job as executive director of the national College Republicans. That led to Rove later being elected chairman of the College Republicans just as George Herbert Walker Bush became chairman of the Republican National Committee. The senior Bush met and liked Rove and hired him as an aide.
So here I learn that he is pals with Bob Bennett, the tool behind the Franklin Quest Dayplanner scam, and that Bennett's dad was also a Senator, and now I know that he doesn't even have the saving grace of having been Deep Throat. What can his point be? I really feel like Karl is only saying this to twist the shiv deeper- I mean, he was forced to go into politics, not because of some expedient situation, but from the kindly ministrations of a card carrying capital-L Liberal? So, he condescends to think warmly of "liberals" that looked beyond his riduclous Nixon crush born of McCarthyite longings no doubt, and pushed him to do more, to be more, and yet coldly rewards their memory and efforts with this now famous speech of liberal treachery. Given current events, one now might view this as a preemptive attack, Rove is the master of attacking from a defensive position. He will even orchestrate attacks against himself as to appear the victim. One gets the sense one is being played, toyed with. This is too rich! (this was my Howler homage). I digress.
Let's jump ahead:
But [Karl] has won most everything possible since then, using that Utah-taught hard work. But, in true fashion of Utahns who hate braggarts, he won't take any credit for the political treasures he has helped others win. The most he will do is say, "I just happened to be in the right place at the right time and was lucky."
Astounding. A guy spends five years in my state, and we claim that his success in evil is due to some sort of Utah-specific work ethic, and I didn't know that we are compelled by state law to hate uppity folks and braggarts. That's good to know. I did not receive the memo. Apparently our state is too good to put fluoride in drinking water, but chemicals for mind and mood control are just fine. I just threw up in my mouth. Excuse me. Here we have the piece de resistance. A State so desperate for acclaim amidst the cesspool of its self-created conservative and freakazoid backwater that it is willing to attribute the ethics-free shenanigans of an Alex P. Keaton on steroids played for zero laughs to the hard work ethic of our delightful state. WHA? Good luck, douches! Let's have a quilting bee for his prison cell!*
*He's going to screw us again, at this moment the DOJ is being filled with popcorn, ADA Hathway is unawares as the Grand Jury Laser is being repositioned over his very office.**
**Cue Tears for Fears, the movie's about to end. "Welcome to my life/there's no turning back- dun duh- do doot do doot do doot...."
Good guy round up: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here.
Others: here, here, here, here, here. Need some hate mail so we can stop pulling our punches.
Rove Hos: here.