Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Difference Between Subway and Quizno's

Subway: where your self-esteem and nerves are shot by them forcing you to watch them screw up your sandwich. You are given the illusion of control and it is just that, an illusion.

We illustrate:

1) The Cheese

"Would you like cheese on that?" "No"

"Uh, I said no cheese" as cheese is draped over your motherf***ing BMT. You gesticulate wildly, they remove the offending product, and put it back in the pile. Oh, and yeah, thanks for discontinuing the Cookie Jesus loving Spicy Italian, a-holes.

2) The Tomato

While g*d damn Jared shoves his sweet onion chicken teriyaki into his subhole, sub commander cobag is selecting the tomato slice that has the fricking stem still on it to add crunch to your motherf***ing BMT. Seriously, it is the tomato slice that has the apple core in it.

3) The Hot Pepper
You're not a pussy, you like a little spice on your motherf***ing BMT. So you ask for some hot pepper. They have two kinds, but they don't know the difference between the jalapenos and the banana peppers. So you say one, and then they go to put the other one on, and you point frantically at the one you really want, and your nerves are shot to hell by the assembly line of death that they run.

4) The Hot Pepper 2
Given that tiny snowflakes sometimes become babies, there is also a chance that your sub-subjugator will go for the right kind of hot pepper. He or she will do one of two things, they will put one or two on or 500. Literally a shitload pile of hot peppers on your motherf***ing BMT.

5) The Olive
There are two quantities of olive at Subway. Less and almost none. It does not count as an ingredient. Given the chance that your subtech actually picks up more than 2 olives, you will just be forced to watch those bad boys roll off onto the floor before your very eyes.

6) The Lettuce
I can't print the lettuce on this family show. It is rude pundit-esque but true.

Quizno's: where you think you cede control, yet you have no real idea what the hell is happening to your motherf***ing Spicy Monterrey Club. There is no standard protocol of abuse at Quizno's. This makes it almost more dangerous than Subway's game.

We illustrate:

1) The addition.

Um, can I get some olives on that? OK. And then your sandwich comes out with nothing but olives. You see, they thought you meant "I want olives on that in place of every single other vegetation that comes on the sandwich."

2) No cheese, please.

And then your motherf**cking classic italian comes out with a molten slab of everloving cheese on it. Yeah, because you turn your back, you're gonna get stabbed. And then you have to wait a million more minutes for your new sub to go through the tunnel of fricking love.

3) The whammy.

"One large Spicy Monterry Club, please."

"That'll be 8 dollars."